1. You’re totally in denial of your emotional (over)compensation.
Sure, relationships are nice, but they don’t come with a 5.4L V8 to haul your ice shanty AND your Harley, and they definitely don’t have 500 horsepower. Not to mention, you don’t have to buy flowers for your F-350 and your new boat couldn’t care less if you leave the toilet seat up.
2. You’re living at home.
If you’re still bunkered up with your parents under the same Green Bay Packers sheets you used in high school, and your UW-degree is still hanging on your wall, chances are that you haven’t brought someone home for a while. That doesn’t mean you can’t try to claim all the glory of your mom’s Wisconsin Rhubarb Cheesecake on a surprise visit to a prospectives’ pad.
3. You pick Butter Burgers over babes or boys.
You got the gym membership, even splurged on all the “high performance,” overpriced workout gear to motivate yourself into going. Still, the hardest work you’re doing is butter-burger-bicep curls at your local Culver’s. At least you’ll look really active while doing it.
4. ‘It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!’ is a phrase you use daily.
Without consulting your phone, you know all the happy hours where $1 PBRs are being served. You have a bar stool reserved especially for you at more than one local watering hole. You’re on a first-name basis with the bartenders, and/or have a drink named after you. Your nickname is “Frank the Tank,” “Crunky Courtney,” “Loosey Lindsey,” or a similar name of endearment indicating your regular levels of inebriation.
5. You’ve joined a league.
Romantic connection with anyone in your immediate circle is completely tapped out, so you’ve decided to really put yourself out there and join the volleyball league at your favorite bar. Good for you! Once you realize that everyone there is already dating, or overly competitive/drunk, you try the slow pitch league. Don’t get discouraged, when all else fails, there’s always bowling.
6. You have ALL the dating apps.
And let’s face it, “Plenty of Fish” is your go-to because the name appeals to your love of dropping bait in your favorite lake. How could Wisconsinites not be lured in for a peek?
7. Your friends are always trying to pair you with this guy or girl who is just “perfect” for you.
It’s nice to see your friends so eager to get you out on a date, but the only things you and the last two Jacob’s had in common were your love of squeaky cheese curds and your Brett Favre jersey. Yeah, their heart is in the right place, but you have a better chance of meeting your Badger bombshell while playing the bubble hockey game at the Plaza on a Monday afternoon.
8. You’re doing plenty of Netflix, but no Chill.
Ahhhhhh Netflix, it’s got classics like Happy Days, That 70’s Show, and Laverne and Shirley. So it never disappoints. In fact, you’re sure it knows you better than your friends do. Speaking of Friends, you know damn well that all the episodes total a glorious 84 hours of television gold. If you decide right now to make it your full-time job to watch Friends until your soulmate materializes, by this time next year you’ll have watched each episode 25 times and by God, you’ll have mastered Joey’s “How you doin’?” pickup line.
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