Confuse us with the FIBs.

You might know this delightful little acronym if you’re from our neighbor to the south. Illinoisans like to invade our space. They come up north, eat our cheese, drink our only-available-in-Wisconsin beer, then go back home like they think it’s better down there. And the whole time, they drive terribly. So they’ve earned the nickname “Fucking Illinois Bastards.” The FIBs. So whatever you do, don’t confuse us with someone from Illinois. Or Minnesota. Or Michigan.

Diss the Green and Gold.

Wisconsin is Packers country. Don’t get all up in our state wearing your Minnesota Vikings shirts and Chicago Bears hoodies. We’ll tolerate you if you do, but if you try to tell us that any team is better than the Pack (or the Brewers for that matter), that’s when the fangs come out. Oh, and no matter what, don’t mention Brett Favre. We’re still on the fence about him.

Think Wisconsin is in Minnesota.

No joke, I was at a bar in New Orleans and told the woman next to me I was from Milwaukee. She’s a teacher. Her response: “Oh, I love Minnesota!” Well that’s nice. Good to know you’re educating our country’s children. So let me reiterate: Wisconsin is its own state. It is not in Minnesota, nor is it part of the Twin Cities. When we tell you our town name, don’t pretend you know where it is. And, while we’re on the topic of Minnesota, their license plates may lead you to believe it’s the land of 1,000 lakes, but I’m here to tell you: Wisconsin has more. And we have great glacial landscapes, cliffs, rolling hills…we’re not all farmland and country bumpkins.

Insist happy cows come from California.

Those stupid commercials from the early 2000s have created a huge misconception. Happy cows do not come from California. They come from Wisconsin. You know, America’s Dairyland? And speaking of dairy, don’t even think of telling us your state has the best cheese. We’re called Cheeseheads for a reason. Which, by the way, is not the huge insult you think it is. We wear that badge with pride.

Refuse to drive to Milwaukee from Chicago.

This one’s for my southern Wisco pals. Chicagoans, don’t tell us you can’t drive to Milwaukee because it’s SO far. We’re not stupid. We know exactly where Chicago is — and it’s about an hour and a half away. I get it: your world in the “big city” is like an all-inclusive enclave that you’re too good to leave. We don’t want your snobbery anyway. But believe it or not, we CAN determine distance.

Neglect the Friday fish fries.

In Wisconsin, fish fries are a religion. We go every Friday. It’s how we celebrate our heritage and the end of the work week. If you don’t come with when you’re invited, you’re going to hurt our feelings. It’s like you’re dissing the entire state.

Correct our northerly grammar.

We enjoy our little verbal tics. We will always ask if you want to “come with.” We will always ask you to do something “real quick” or “right quick.” We’ll always give you both options when asking a yes or no question (“Did you go to the store or no?”). If you have a problem with that, keep it to yourself — because we think YOU’RE the one that sounds funny. Oh, and we don’t sound like the characters in Fargo. We sound better.

Ask what a bubbler is.

If you don’t know, we won’t let you use one.

Talk down New Glarus, or call us alcoholics.

Trust me when I tell you this: no beer is better than New Glarus’ Spotted Cow. There’s a reason it’s only for sale in Wisconsin, and that’s because we don’t want you to have it. We’ve also been home to many of your other favorite beers: Miller, Pabst, Schlitz, and Leinies, for starters. But don’t think that makes us alcoholics. Sure, we like to drink (and can hold our liquor better than you) and we like to bring our kids to taverns (the perfect fish fry venue). But that doesn’t mean we’re always drunk!

Complain about your “arctic” 40 degrees.

Hey, friends south of the Mason-Dixon. What’s that? It got so freezing cold today? Forty degrees? How terrible for you! Did you know that just yesterday, our wind chill was -50? Yeah, it was -10 without the wind chill. Frostbite occurs in about 15 minutes at those temperatures. AND WE WERE OUT IN SHORTS. It sounds to me like you southerners need to man up. Put on a coat and quit whining. You have no idea what cold is.

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