A Spaniard doesn’t say “something is cool.”

He says that “is the bomb” (Es la bomba) or that “is the milk” (Es la leche) or that “is the glass of beer” (Es la caña) or that “is the lemony pear” (Es la pera limonera).

A Spaniard isn’t crazy.

He “is like a goat” (Está como una cabra) or “is like a cowbell” (Está como un cencerro) or “is like a watering can” (Está como una regadera).

A Spaniard doesn’t have nice muscles or is fit.

He is like a thick, long book (Está tocho).

A Spaniard doesn’t say senseless words when he’s older or senile.

He just pussy jibber-jabbering (chochea). [Author’s note: use only the verb chochear. Do not use the noun “ch*cho”. Again, do not use the noun “ch*cho”. Seriously guys, it’s very vulgar. I’m feeling even bad trying to explain it].

A Spaniard doesn’t say some place “is really far away.”

He says, the place “is in the fifth pine tree” (Está en el quinto pino) or “is in the fifth hell” (Está en el quinto infierno) or “is in the fifth pussy” (Está en el quinto coño) or “is a tomar por culo” (something kinda untranslatable related with “taking-the-ass business”).

A Spanish kid doesn’t go to the bathroom.

He just goes “to do pipi or popo.”

A Spanish man doesn’t pee.

He “goes to change the water to the canary” (Va a cambiar el agua al canario).

Spanish people don’t do their best.

They do things “with two big balls” (Con dos cojones).

A Spaniard doesn’t just lack interest in something.

It’s just like he really “cares a cucumber about it” (Le importa un pepino) or “cares a pepper about it” (Le importa un pimiento) or in a more disrespectful way, “Se la repanpinfla / Se la sopla” which means that “he doesn’t really give a fuck.”

A Spaniard doesn’t have a big car.

He has “un coche de la hostia.” [Note: Hostia means “communion bread” but informally it’s used as “damn / damn it / bloody hell.” Note 2: Do not ask why].

A Spaniard doesn’t go fast.

He goes “all pill’s way” (A toda pastilla).

A Spaniard doesn’t forget something.

“His head just goes” (Se le va la cabeza) or “his clothespin just goes” (Se le va la pinza) or “his pot just goes” (Se le va la olla).

A Spaniard doesn’t say “the weather is very hot.”

He says “wow, Lorenzo is hitting” (Como pega Lorenzo). [Note: Yes, we call the sun “Lorenzo” sometimes. Note 2: Here’s an extra witty and naughty Spanish saying related to the hot weather and voluptuous girls being around: If you are in a very hot place and there are some beautiful women with big boobs nearby, you can joke — read carefully, this is important — with your friends (if you dare to tell the woman, she will slap you, so watch out!) saying “hace una calor que te torras.”

You don’t get it, do you? OK, it literally means “it’s hot like you are toasting yourself” but — again, read carefully, this is important — “te + torras = tetorras = very informal way to say big tits.” Got it now? Pretty cool, eh?]

A Spaniard doesn’t only get surprised when something happens.

He also says, “that’s hard, dude!” (¡Qué fuerte, tío!)

Spaniards don’t have a good time.

They just “have a mother f*cker time” (Se lo pasan de puta madre) or “have a sunflower seed time” (Se lo pasan pipa) or “have a tit time” (Se lo pasan teta).

A Spaniard is not tired.

He’s “made of dust” (Está hecho polvo).

A Spaniard doesn’t say “I don’t want to do something”.

He says, “it gives me a stick” (Me da palo).

A Spaniard never disturbs.

He just “gives you the tin” (Te da la lata).

Spaniards don’t say “I don’t like you”.

They say “you fall fat to me” (Me caes gordo) or “you fall like the ass to me” (Me caes como el culo).

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A Spaniard doesn’t try to seduce a woman.

He “throws her pieces of tiles” (Le tira los tejos).

A Spaniard never arouses you into doing something awesome.

He just “makes your teeth longer” (Te pone los dientes largos).

A Spaniard doesn’t do things on his own.

He “goes in his ball” (Va a su bola).

A Spaniard doesn’t “get distracted.”

He “is in the silly soup” (Está en la sopa boba).

Young Spanish people don’t live with their parents.

They just “live of storytelling” (Viven del cuento). [Note: Just forget this one. It’s too autobiographical].

A Spaniard doesn’t fall in love.

He’s “filtered for your bones” (Está colado por tus huesos).

And a important one, Spanish people don’t tell you, “go away,” in a disrespectful manner.

They just tell you, “go to fry asparagus” (Vete a freir espárragos) or “go to dig scallion” (Vete a escarbar cebollino) or “go to take the sack” (Vete a tomar por saco) or something like — OK, this might be a bit more disrespectful — “go take the ass” (Vete a tomar por culo).