1. First and foremost, you know that Jack is not fucking Bourbon.
2. Yes, driving to the bordering county or state to buy booze is an inconvenience, but you’ll do it no questions asked.
3. You hugged a sticky toilet at Tootsie’s on Honky Tonk Highway once and knew you had hit rock bottom.
4. Your party has been broken up by a mountain lion on more than one occasion.
5. Memphis in May equates to sweating alcohol and dry rub.
6. As a passenger, holding your liquor on winding mountain roads has become a learned skill.
7. You can stomach five Jack and Cokes but the second some Shut the Cluck Up hits you, it’s all over.
8. You’ve gotten drunk with Maci from Teen Mom at a Gucci concert.
9. You once got the courage to go into a gas station with a fake I.D., only to be reminded that you’re in a dry county.
10. The sight of wine in grocery stores elsewhere in the country is a total mind fuck.
11. You’ve gotten stuck in a time warp on Chicken Salad Wednesdays at Kudzu’s.
12. Three words: Beale freakin’ Street.
13. You’ve shared a PBR with Santa at his pub.
14. Sipping some Jack and dipping sweet potato fries in honey Dijon under the soothing lights of the Bluebird Cafe is and always will be one of your most spiritual moments.
15. Moonshine? Totally acceptable. But only if it’s blackberry or peach cobbler and served in a mason jar.
16. Your drunken spiritual awakening occurred behind the porta potties at Riverbend.
17. You’ve come to terms with the fact that mixing liquor with Sundrop could always be worse.
18. You’ve been to church hungover more times than you’d like to admit to anyone.
19. You’ve been to church still drunk way more times than you’d like to admit to yourself.
20. You’d be much more inclined to stop for kids if they had a Lynchburg Lemonade stand instead of a regular one.
21. The first time you got the spins was at Shenanigans.
22. Steak? Potatoes? Carrots? Chicken? Ice cream? You’d have to be a fool not to soak them all in Jack.
23. Waking up hungover leaves you often wondering which mountain you’re on rather than who you’re waking up beside.
24. You’ve drunkenly convinced someone at the Yellow Deli to give you a matte bar and show you their squeaky clean kitchen at 3 in the morning.
25. A Dolly Parton impersonator got you so shit faced once that you successfully tried to steal her wig.
26. You’ve been to the Jack Daniel’s Distillery to cure a hangover and had a moment of silence upon seeing the safe that gave Mr. Daniel gangrene.
27. You know that beer is best chilled in a mountain creek.
28. With good reason, Gerald has cut you off after two Long Island Iced Teas from Lamar’s.
29. You’ve snuck a flask somewhere in a cowboy boot.
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