10 Things a Maine Girl Is Better at Than You

1. Driving a standard

She’s been behind the steering wheel since before she could see over one, even if it was just to head to Grandma’s house. You can let go of that country song lyric that is stuck in your head about her being in the passenger seat of your pickup — because in reality, with a Mainer girlfriend, it’s the opposite. So just grab a road soda and enjoy the scenery, because there’s no way you’re getting the privilege of shifting into fifth gear.

2. Shoveling snow

Shoveling out after a storm is a rite of passage here in Maine. Depending on the type of snow accumulating by the foot, shoveling can be a brutal task, but we guarantee your Maine girlfriend will be out long after you’ve thrown in the towel.

3. Navigating

She grew up with those stereotypical small-town directions — you know that giant pine tree on the corner? Take a right after that and go all the way to Ron’s Market. It’s the house with the Christmas decorations still up — but that doesn’t mean she can’t point North in a heartbeat. Leave your GPS at home. She’s got this.

4. Eating ice cream

Some girls like chocolate, and that’s fine, but don’t expect a Mainer to stick around if the freezer isn’t stocked with Giffords. She’ll probably prefer “Moose Tracks” but “Muddy Boots” will do, and if you really want to impress her, freeze your butt off standing in line with her while you wait for a free scoop on opening day in March.

5. Working hard

You can try to impress her with your own work accomplishments, but at some point, you’ll realize you can never outdo her work ethic. Mainers are known to be hard workers, and every Maine woman I know turns that into an understatement. She doesn’t just bring home the bacon. She brings home the bacon, then renders it into lard which will eventually become homemade biscuits for the ten family members coming to Sunday dinner. You’re welcome.

6. Winning an argument about where to settle

Don’t even try to convince her to leave Maine. She did that, she came back, she’s here. If you really want to open that can of worms, get ready for the number of reasons why she won’t ever call anywhere else home. Mountains, lakes, breweries, rocky coasts, amazing food, small-town feel… the list goes on. Not to mention her family is here.

7. Getting that lumberjane look

Give her a pair of Dickies, a Carhartt jacket, and some shit kickers and she’s good to go. She needs the outfit to match the lifestyle, and you can bet she has a flannel on somewhere under all those layers. But just wait for a Friday night at the Front Street Tavern — she’ll clean up better than you, too.

8. Stacking wood

Summer is a short season around here, and winter is never far from our minds. That’s why we start preparing in early August by stacking the world’s largest wood piles. There’s an art to the way you lay a log — and your Maine girlfriend will know precisely the method to use. She also won’t stop until it’s done because there’s a certain satisfaction in seeing that perfectly stacked pile all ready to go for the negative ten-degree weather come January.

9. Lighting a gas lamp

She’s been going to camp since she was in the womb, and if you’re lucky, she’ll bring you up for a visit. There isn’t much to do at camp, besides relax, swim in the lake, read a good book and go for a hike, but you will inevitably find yourself learning a few things, like how to build a fire in a cook stove, how to get an old finicky motor going on a boat, and how to light a gas lamp after the sun has set.

10. Having good aim

Whether she grew up going on fall hunting trips in the deep woods or is the champion Stump player, a Mainer can hit a PBR can in the dooryard from the kitchen window without blinking an eye. You can rest assured you will never have a gopher in the garden or a squirrel in the bird feeder as long as your Mainer girl sticks around. Just be careful — that perfect aim can hit the heart, too, and leave you like a lovestruck lobster in a trap before you know it.