1. Anything even remotely calling into question the greatness of the Packers.
Including but not limited to: “Go Bears.”; “The Packers are not the greatest team ever.”; “Do you think the Packers have a shot at going all the way this year?”; “Aaron Rodgers is not the best human being ever created.”; or complimenting any other team in the NFC.
2. “Flyover country”
It really gets under a Wisconsinite’s skin when people say that there is nothing worth seeing in the state. How could you ignore all of the amazing museums, unforgettable festivals, deliciously unhealthy food and beer?
3. “Do you live on a farm?”
Wisconsin made its name by being America’s Dairyland, but that’s not the only thing great we have going on. Ask any Wisconsinite — especially from Madison or Milwaukee — if they live on a farm and watch them roll their eyes as fast as a birthing cow. Wait. I don’t even know if birthing cows roll their eyes because I don’t live on a farm.
4. “Happy cows are from California.”
Wisconsin is proud of producing the most delicious cheese and milk in America. And when someone tries to question the happiness of our cows and compare them to cows in other states, we are offended. The same goes for daring to compare Vermont cheddar to Wisconsin cheddar.
5. “Lake Michigan is a pond.”
Anyone who questions why Lake Michigan is considered a great lake (both in geography and many other ways) clearly has never seen the lake or stood on one shoreline. Try swimming all the way across, and we’ll talk after.
6. “Well, Miller is technically MillerCoors now.”
Perhaps Miller has merged with Coors, did something funky with a Canadian company, and moved their corporate headquarters to the Chicago area, but that doesn’t mean Miller is not 100% Milwaukee any longer. Milwaukee’s most well-known beer is still made in Milwaukee. You can have your boring corporate meetings, we’ll keep the beer!
7. “I don’t drink beer.”
Unless you are a child or a recovering alcoholic, this statement simply will not register in Wisconsin. It’s practically like saying you don’t like water. Who does that?
8. “What’s so special about Cheese Curds? They taste like normal cheese…”
Don’t be dim. If you can’t notice the delicate squeakiness, the lightly salted nuance, and delightful rubbery texture, you insult the world of cheese.
9. “What’s Milwaukee?”
Now you are really pushing it. For those of you who don’t even know Milwaukee is a city, you can give back all of the beer in your fridge now, and the cheese too. For those who have at least heard of Milwaukee, but are still geographically challenged, don’t make us explain that Milwaukee is “North of Chicago.” Granted, it probably doesn’t help our case that too many outlanders pronounce it “Ma-Walkee.”
10. “I love American cheese.”
American cheese is not real dairy food. It may have the same color as cheddar, But. It’s. Not. Real. Cheese.
11. “Football is only a game.”
Football is more than just a game in Green Bay — it’s a way of life. The people of Green Bay own the team (not some rich owner) and ordinary people run into players shopping at the grocery store and feel free to give them their critiques from last week’s game. Kids grow up loaning their bikes to Packer players and walk them across the parking lot to practice. Our cousin used to babysit for the running back’s kids and all the fire hydrants are painted green and gold. Welcome to Titletown.
12. Someone from a mild climate saying they know what it’s like to be cold.
You can’t just claim that you know what it’s like to truly feel the cold until your snot freezes in your nose while you shovel your driveway at 6 AM.
13. “I’m just going to stay in this weekend.” (In summer).
How. Dare. You. There is absolutely no excuse to not go outside and enjoy one of the many events that are going on every weekend in the summer. The couch, Netflix, and that book you can’t put down will wait. Perfect weather and world-class events will not.
14. Anything questioning Brett Favre’s loyalty to the Packers.
It’s complicated. He left us for the Jets and then the Vikings. For three seasons, we felt like the children of divorce thrown in the middle of a very messy custody battle. Of course, it all worked out in the end and we have our beloved Aaron Rodgers, but that doesn’t mean we want people to hate on Favre. After all, he came home.
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