1. Treating fashion as a combination of whatever your boss lets you get away with…
Mainly pants and heavy sweaters. Gotta hide those tats.
2. Seeing the ocean more as something to admire from under a toasty blanket on the beach than something you swim in.
Well, you always go in after a few beers to reenact that scene from Free Willy.
3. Walking into a six-lane highway with the expectation that all traffic will come to a halt for your safety.
Unfortunately, your self-importance alone will do little to reverse the epic failure of the rest of America’s transportation systems.
4. Complaining to your barstool neighbor about the lack of hoppiness in your beer.
And you’re all like, “do they even understand the IBU scale?”
5. Putting BYOBud on your Facebook invites.
Washington and Oregon, leading the way in legalizing things everybody up here already had too much of.
6. Looking for the gluten-free section in the cat food aisle at your local Fred Meyer.
Because your roommate Debbie says gluten makes Bocephus gassy.
7. Biking without a helmet.
This is not okay anywhere, but I’ll be damned if I don’t look super cool riding my 10-speed Peugeot with a biker’s cap on and a red bandanna fluttering around my neck tattoos.
8. Assuming there is at least one nude beach within a thirty-minute drive from the heart of Downtown.
Yeah, Vancouver BC, Seattle and Portland all have those. Can’t say they are that great. Just a bunch of cold, pale wieners getting sunburned under an overcast sky. We’re all about sex appeal up here.
9. Talking about how Cascadia ought to be its own country.
Never going to happen, Debbie, and you need to stop posting about Jill Stein.
10. Picking on Portland for being too whimsical, Seattle for being a bleak suburbia, Vancouver for being Canadian, and Alaska for thinking it’s part of the gang.
You are living in the Siberia of North America, Alaskans.
11. Pretending to be more European by telling people you care more about the Timbers and Sounders than the Seahawks and Blazers.
Come on, Debbie, you know the only sport you like is curling, Ms. “Oh My God Look How Fast They Can Sweep! Wee!”
12. Separating your glass, paper, plastic and compostable products at a restaurant assuming they will have a comprehensive sustainable waste system already in place.
Yeah, maybe keep this habit though. The rest of America will catch up. Right? Are you going to do the right thing, America?
13. Using Debbie’s organic detergent to save the environment even though all your clothes reek of pine and baby farts.
Um, feeling like this listicle is getting a bit personal, buddy.
14. Staying quiet when Debbie orders an “affogato” at Dutch Bros. because she is too ashamed to come out and tell the cashier that she wants ice cream in her coffee.
Come on, man, let’s get back on track here. You know she reads these.
15. Going berry picking in the summer, pumpkin picking in the fall, and cutting down your own Christmas tree in the woods.
Because the Pac NW is all about getting the most out of its natural setting.
16. Moving in with someone you just met because all these newbies are making the Pacific NW as expensive as a Manhattan penthouse.
Maybe it is time to reconsider Alaska.