Photo: Nick Starichenko/Shutterstock

29 Things You'll Never Hear an Alaskan Friend Say

by Jennifer Gracey Sep 13, 2017

1. I can’t stand fishing.

If an Alaskan said that, his or her Alaskan-ness would be severely questioned. One is simply not Alaskan if one does not have a love affair with fishing.

2. Camping sucks.

Alaskans are straight up camping addicts. Camping in Alaska and camping in the lower 48 are not even remotely similar. The only legitimate exception to “Camping sucks,” is if it is followed by, “…when you’re doing it anyplace else but Alaska.”

3. Hiking is so boring.

Distance here is of no consequence. Alaskans need hiking like Denali National Park needs the northern lights. Anyone thinking it’s a waste of time and lacking excitement simply isn’t doing it right.

4. Why would anyone want to sit and watch a moose?

We can sit and watch wildlife big, small or otherwise for hours on end and not lose interest. We relish every opportunity to observe our Alaskan co-residents be they fur, feather or fin bearing.

5. I don’t drink coffee.

Alaska is where it’s at when it comes to coffee culture. If there were some kind of coffee famine, we’d be in a dire situation.

6. I’d rather not take a road trip.

Considering one gets very few places in Alaska without it being a bonafide road trip, we are raised believing, “Road trips are the bomb.” And we eagerly toss our supplies in the backs of our vehicles and head of for a day (or days), Often we have no specific destination and we just get on the road because we love being on the road in the big open spaces.

7. Alaska is the worst place on earth.

Alaska is one of those geographic regions which inspires extreme human reactions. People tend to be the love-it-never-gonna-leave-it tribe and then the can’t-get-outta-here-fast-enough clan.

8. Northern Lights? Psh! Who has time for those?

Much like wildlife viewing, no matter how many times we see them, they never get old. Especially when we can catch glimpses of ALL the colors.

9. No, I can’t fix that.

It’s an Alaskan thing. We’re born and bred a population of broken stuff fixers — “If it’s broke, I can fix it. If I can’t, by some rare and unlikely fluke of nature, I know exactly who can.”

10. Just buy a new one.

In the same vein as the fixing it thing. With shops and stores in many places around the state a far-flung option, just buying a new one is a highly unlikely proposition which is generally saved for last resort situations OR a thing has been fixed umpteen times already and it will no longer stay fixed as it’s more duct tape and jury-rigging than the original structure.

11. I don’t own boots.

While we can’t prove it due to a lack of formal studies on the topic, we’re pretty confident the average Alaskan owns at least twelve pairs of boots — each of which is dedicated to serving a distinct and separate purpose.

12. I’ve never ridden that.

Hang with an Alaskan for more than a few minutes and it quickly becomes obvious our breed has an affinity for moving faster than our feet can carry us. Whether via land, sea or air, motorized or non, if a machine exists and can be ridden, it’s likely we’ll have given it a go at least once. It’s even more likely that we or a close Alaskan friend owns a minimum of one of whatever mode of transport is up for discussion at that moment.

13. I love winter but hate the snow.

In Alaska, we tend to favor the opposite. We love waking up to a thick blanket of beautiful white snow. What we don’t have quite the same level of love for is the long cold dark that embodies our Alaskan winter. It’s one of those “Can’t have your cake and eat it,” quandaries and we learn early on to simply suck it up and deal.

14. The sunshine is over rated.

Said no Alaskan in the history of creation— ever.

15. I wish Alaska had fewer mountains.

Okay, maybe a few old timers said it when they were making their way up to the far north in the early gold rush days, or maybe an Inuit running a dog team over rough terrain. It would have been rough going before there were more legitimate road systems in place. Otherwise, the majority of us would be quite happy if there were a few more. One can never gaze upon too many mountains.

16. I hate the smell of campfire.

The only time an Alaskan would be heard making this kind of obnoxious statement would be if it were part of some joke or story about visiting out-of-staters.

17. I’m so excited it’s construction season again!

This is exactly like waking up one morning in September and saying, “I’m so glad it’s not Christmas.”

18. Alaskan seafood is disgusting.

Alaskans think out seafood is without rival. Anyone saying or thinking otherwise has never eaten Alaskan seafood.

19. You’re better off never visiting Alaska.

We love showing off our state. Impressing friends and family from the lower 48 with our magnificent state is, in fact, a common Alaskan summertime activity. Everyone is better off visiting Alaska— so long as they go back home again.

20. Taking a cruise is the best way to experience Alaska.

Said no Alaskan ever. Truth be told, it’s a sure flag signal that you’ve truly not experienced Alaska. The cruises are only for tourists (and their Alaskan minders.)

21. We have excellent public transportation systems.

Alaskans are, for the most part, okay with the idea of not having a public transportation grid. Aside from defeating the entire concept of Alaska in general, there just aren’t enough of us to warrant the financial output required to install one.

22. I’d rather stay home.

Okay— we may say this one on the rare occasion the weather is running amok. Driving in a full-blown blizzard or when the roads are as slippery as a kid’s slip-n-slide is no one’s idea of a good time, not even in Alaska.

23. It’s no big deal that places refuse to ship to Alaska.

Lower 48 companies, seriously. When will you get a grip on this and start shipping to Alaska? We’re part of America, for crying out loud and we do have mail service.

24. I’d never hang fish to dry.

Hanging fish to dry is a summertime winter prep activity for many of us— especially those of us who live out in the bush, or with native backgrounds. And the taste of the dry fish is out of this world.

25. Dog sledding and mushing is animal cruelty.

Hear our inner Alaskan roar! “The dogs LOVE mushing. The dogs LIVE for mushing.” It’s not even remotely close to animal cruelty.

26. Why would you cook that on the barbecue?

It’s an Alaskan thing. We cook everything on the barbecue. We love the barbecue.

27. The sun was up for way too long today.

We love the sun. We especially love that we have insane amounts of sunlight in summer. What makes us sad is summer solstice. It’s our great reminder that from that point, we’re losing daylight instead of gaining it.

28. I’d rather not use the drive-through.

We don’t know how people cope without drive-through everything. It’s the best thing since dogsleds.

29. No, I don’t want salmon for dinner.

Well, we may say this if the salmon is farmed or from some other place. If it’s Alaska salmon and especially if it’s home-caught Alaska salmon, we’re more likely heard saying, “I’ll take seconds if there’s enough for another round.”

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