7 Things You’ll Never Hear an Arizonan Say
Arizonans are a special breed. They moan about the heat and brag about the amazing Mexican food available in their neck of the woods, but there are certain things that Arizonans never say. Ever. Here are seven things that will never be heard in Arizona.
1. “Pour me a chardonnay.”
The closest thing an Arizonan is going to order at a bar or serve you at their pool party is a pink prickly pear margarita. Arizonans drink one of three things (if they drink alcohol): tequila, whiskey, or beer. Retirees might indulge in brandy or something. But chardonnay ain’t a thang in our state.
2. “Can I borrow your truck?”
There’s a bumper sticker that’s been gaining popularity throughout Arizona over the last 10 years or so. It says: “Yes, this is my truck, and no, I won’t help you move.” Thing is, an Arizonan friend doesn’t need to borrow your truck to move, or for any other reason. They have their own damned truck. And they’ll help you fix yours if it breaks.
3. “What an ugly dog.”
According to Arizonans, you can’t find an ugly pup. All canines are cute, whether they’re gangly, teeny, three-legged, blind, mangey, or snaggle-toothed. We adore all pooches — chihuahuas and pits and coyote mixes alike — for there are no other breeds in Arizona!
4. “Yo’ mama’s salsa is tooooooo spicy.”
Let’s get one thing straight — all of our mamas make the world’s best salsa and our tías make the best beans. Our abuelas make the best everything, especially tortillas. And tamales. And fry bread. And chili. Second, no salsa is too spicy for an Arizonan.
5. “Let’s go to the Grand Canyon.”
Unless they’re inviting you to the North Rim, they’re dragging you to tourist hell, and they know it. Otherwise, no Arizonan would ever even hint at a trip to the Canyon. Arizonans know too many other cool places to visit instead.
6. “Let’s move to California.”
We want to, we really do. But how will we live? How will we ever move back? A true Arizonan friend will never voice our shared deepest desire — to get out.
7. “Go Lumberjacks!”
Half the Arizonans are going to say “Go Wildcats!” and the other half are going to say “Go Sun Devils!” but zero people are going to say “Go Lumberjacks!” It’s just not a thing. Or it’s a thing all Arizonans can agree on. NAU students are too busy skiing and getting stoned to play much football. Or basketball.