Photo: maureen_sill

This guide to hostel sex will get you out of the dorms and into sweaty, awkward bliss faster than you can say “light my fire.”

WHAT DO YOU GET when you drop a few dozen backpackers into a hostel, soak with beer, and mix in a healthy dose of liberation from social norms?

A tidal wave of hormones…and one major problem: where to go to get it on?

Unless you’re a flamboyant exhibitionist, nothing puts a damper on romantic relations like company. Dorms are almost never empty, and even when they are, the likelihood of someone barging in makes anything more than surreptitious groping an impossibility.

If you’re hankering to slide the key into the ignition and get your motor firing on all cylinders, you need to get creative, and get out of the dorms.

Unless you’re a flamboyant exhibitionist, nothing puts a damper on romantic relations like company.

First of all, let’s consider the options in and around the hostel.

Every hostel has hidden nooks and crannies that offer enough space and privacy for at least a hasty knee-trembler. You can be sure the hostel staff know about these spots, but unless you’re hooking up with one of them, asking for directions is bad form.

The trick is to know where to look, and to scout locations in advance if you’re feeling lucky. Here are some possibilities:

The laundry room

Most hostels have a laundry room that is abandoned at night. If you’re feeling naughty, the stacks of fresh-smelling sheets and towels make an ideal love-nest.

The more considerate and hygienic option is to make use of the sturdy appliances, with the woman sitting on top of the washer / dryer. (Extra points for spin cycle.)

The roof

When checking into your next hostel, take a look around and see if there’s any way to access the roof. Overhanging trees are one possibility, as are upstairs windows with broad sills from which you can pull yourself up to the rooftop.

Of course safety is important, and you shouldn’t take unnecessary risks, but you’d be surprised at how many hostel roofs are accessible with a little ingenuity.

And once you’re up there — well, the sky is the limit.

The bathroom

OK, maybe it’s not the most romantic location, but most hostels have bathrooms that lock. As long as the floor and toilet are reasonably clean, you can shut yourselves inside and bump uglies to your heart’s content.

Even open bathrooms with several stalls offer the possibility of a quickie — just ask Senator Larry Craig.

The best position is for the guy to sit on the toilet while the girl sits in his lap — this way she can lift her legs off the floor if someone comes in, so that from the outside it looks like just one person is in the stall.

The broom closet

If the laundry room is locked, the roof is inaccessible, and the thought of sex in a bathroom stall makes you queasy, the hostel broom closet is a classic option.

The main problems with the broom closet are that nothing more than a standing position is possible, mop handles have a way of whacking you in the head at inopportune moments, and the smell of high-test floor cleaner can make you pass out.

Don’t have sex in the hostel kitchen. No one wants traces of mystery juice in their stir-fry.

The key is to be quick (if you’re screwing in a broom closet I doubt this will be a problem).

The Kitchen

Don’t have sex in the hostel kitchen. Just don’t. People cook food in the kitchen. No one wants traces of mystery juice in their stir-fry.

Plus, hostel kitchens aren’t as private as you might think. Even at 4am you can bet that someone will be looking for a midnight snack, and nothing ruins an appetite like the sight of bare asses bouncing on the counter.

Seriously, don’t have sex in the kitchen.

The great outdoors

If your hostel has a backyard, look for a shadowy spot behind a tree.

Better yet, if you’re in a semi-rural area, get out of the hostel grounds entirely. A copse of trees can provide all the privacy you need, and a lonesome beach is even more enticing.

Just remember to snag a towel or a bed-sheet from the hostel before running naked down the sand.

Get a room already!

Look, I know you’re on a tight budget. But I guarantee that a few years down the road, when you’re married and have a mortgage, you won’t regret having dropped a couple extra bills for a night of passion.

In many countries, like Japan and Taiwan, there is the ‘love-hotel’ option, where you can rent a fantasy-themed room by the hour. Otherwise, just jump in a cab and ask the driver to take you to a guesthouse or motel.

As usual, Mark Twain sums it up best, “10 years from now you will be more disappointed by the people you haven’t done than by the ones you have, so cast off the panties, sail away from the hostel dorm — explore, dream, get laid!”