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SHE HAD A FRIENDLY FACE, and that’s what made me pick her.
“Excuse me, would you be ok watching my bags for a few minutes while I go use the restroom?” I asked her politely.
“Sure, no problem,” she answered with a broad smile.
At 1:00am on a Tuesday morning, the Terminal 4 food court of John F. Kennedy airport had very few people around. A group of youngsters, three boys and two girls chatting incessantly in a language I didn’t understand, occupied a corner table. A middle-aged man, with his head buried into his phone, was sipping coffee in another corner. A couple of lone passengers were sleeping on elongated benches placed against the walls.
I looked around. We had to go, Tanvi and I. I was more worried about her though. At age four, she hadn’t really mastered the art of holding it yet. I figured we might have to hurry, and taking two backpacks and a stroller along wasn’t going to work.
She was sitting by herself, two tables away from us, looking into some papers strewn on top. Something about her was extremely approachable. It took me half a second to decide, then I walked up to her.
“I didn’t drink it,” she joked as I picked my coffee cup off her table when we got back.
“Wow, thanks!” I replied, and we both laughed. That broke the ice.
“Why don’t you join me?”
I shrugged and sat down.
She was from Saudi Arabia she told me. Jeddah actually, but was studying medicine in the Caribbean. I knew she was Muslim even before we had spoken because of the hijab that she was wearing. Her flight to Geneva, where she was speaking at a health conference, was at 7:00 the next evening.
“So, you are going to stay here till then?”
“Yeah, I travel a lot. I’m used to these over-nighters,” she said, reading my quizzical expression. Her family was back home. She lived alone, had for about five years now, she told me.
I was trying to process all this information feverishly in my head even as we talked. This was a young Muslim girl, born and brought up in a Muslim country, had left home at 18 for education, lived alone, far away from home. She also traveled alone and did all-nighters at airports.
“Really? And that’s ok?” I blurted out.
“What is?”
“You know, everything that you’re doing. From what I know, women in your country are prohibited from doing stuff. So, I figured one wouldn’t be, what should I say… allowed,” I replied.
She was quiet for a moment and I wondered if I had gone too far.
“How do you know that?” she asked me in a serious tone.
Suddenly, I was ill at ease.
I felt stupid, embarrassed at my ignorance. The truth was, I did not know. I really knew nothing about Islam and Muslim women except from what I had read and heard about them. I had never been to an Islamic country and had no Muslim friends. My notion was presupposed and stereotypical and at that moment I was suddenly very aware of it.
“Well, that’s what one hears all the time.” I had to say something, but even as I did, I realized how phony that sounded.
“Don’t believe everything you hear,” she said authoritatively. “The reputation of my country and my religion towards its women is warped, but there are two sides to every coin. I am as much a reality of it as is the battered, subdued woman that you are talking about.’’
Then she smiled. “It’s alright, you’re not the first person to ask me that question,” she said.
She was dressed formally in a pantsuit and I guessed it was for the benefit of the conference.
“What about wearing the hijab? Is that your choice too?” I asked. It was a bold question. Again.
“Yes, completely.” she answered without a pause this time.
“Doesn’t that categorize you more, though? Especially if you’re trying to break an image,” I questioned. “You want to portray new-age Saudi women as progressive and outgoing, but still you can’t break the shackles completely. Where does that fit in?’’
She laughed.
“You know what,” she answered, “I’m not on a mission to change anything. I am what I am and that comes through, no matter what. I’m liberated in my head but rooted in my culture. Both these factors co-exist in my life. They are inherent to me. Why would I let go of one because of the other?”
This time, it was my turn to be quiet.
I was on the bus going towards Terminal 7 of the airport. My flight home to Kansas was to leave at 6:00am. I looked out of the bus window while Tanvi slept in the stroller.
We’d spoken for long before it was time for me to leave. She’d shown me pictures of her family on her laptop. She was the oldest of triplets. Her sister and brother lived at home, both pursuing their education. Her parents were doctors and had friendly faces too.
She had a twinkle in her eye when she talked about her family. She was happy.
I unfolded the piece of paper that I clutched in my hand. She had quickly scribbled her contact details before I had rushed to leave.
I looked at it for a second.
‘Nilofer. Khan. Habibullah’, it said, and she had signed it off with a little smile. 
Priyanka Kher
Originally from India, I have lived in New Zealand for six years and am currently residing in The United States. My travel stories are inspired by my experiences in these three very different parts of the world. I feel I have a lot to share and in the process am trying to learn something new every day. To read more visit my Matador profile.
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I often get very stereotyped responses from people in the UK (and throughout Europe actually) when I tell them I am going to visit Islamic countries such as Turkey and Iran. Islamophobia is very strong right now and these are the kinds of stories and perspectives that need to be told. Great piece, thanks
This was interesting but your comment of “that’s jst what you hear” made no snse, we know , as just one example women are unable to (legally) have a driving license in Saudi Arabia, to cite just one example, “just what you hear” is a ridiculous thing to say
Yes, Muslim countries and people are not anything approaching what they are in the popular imagination, especially the American imagination. I know, I have lived in Muslim countries and my girlfriend is Muslim. Soon, I may be Muslim to, at least nominally, if I want to marry her. Having to convert is just one of those things and I am not too fussed about it. I’m not compelled to be hyper-observant, and I admire a lot of aspects of Islam, in its various versions.
But Saudi is another mattter. This woman is in total denial. The fact is that in Saudi today she could be gang raped for not covering up and then sentenced to jail for provocation. She may be able to be a modern woman outside of Saudi, but it is impossible back home, and not possible at all for the women who do not come from upper class families and cannot afford to live, travel, and study where they please.
She does confirm to stereotype, I’m afraid: the self-interested Muslim women who doesn’t at bottom give a damn about the condition of women in her home country so much as her own personal advancement… so long as she personally has freedom of movement, dress, abd speech out of the country, why give a damn, right?
Hilarious that the author couldn’t really see the irony in talking to a Saudi woman about how free she was in an international airport.
Oh yeah, and Winston Smith was “liberated in his head” for most of 1984, too…
Can I also add that I don’t mean to denegrate the author at all by my previous comment – it is a good bit of writing, I just think the subject is deluded.
I don’t want to sound like a loon, but the more I think about this article the madder I get.
Firstly, the woman in the accompanying picture is clearly Indonesian?Malaysian/Sinaporean, not a Saudi woman, the subject of the article.
Secondly, it is quite right to dismiss claims that Muslim women are not repressed everywhere in the Muslim and non-Muslim world – but they certainly are in Saudi, where this woman is from and where woman cannot drive or ride a bicycle.
Thirdly, the author explains that the woman in question lives ABROAD, alone, which, she says, she is surprised about, because she did not think that was possible IN THE SUBJECT’S COUNTRY.
I could go on. Sorry, but I found your article infuriating, Priyanka.
I really admire your intention to challenge stereotypes but I think you have gone about it in the wrong way, e.g., I would really question whether there is anything really very progrssive about the fact that a Saudi woman can chose to wear a pantsuit in a foreign airport, when millions of Muslims in Indonesia and elsewhere can and do chose to wear hot pants or shirt skirts all the time, and in public.
Essentially, I think, your choice of a Saudi woman who choses to dress in a “modern” or corporate way when overseas is a bad choice for the puposes of showing that Islam is not always incompatible with a woman’s personal choice or freedom of movement or speech. In fact, using her and quoting what she says only makes her out to be a hypocrite, or at least a deluded individual. I strongly object to the use of a South East Asian woman, too, because it may contribute to people thinking that Islam is the same all over the world and that Muslim woman face, or don’t face, the same level of repression, etc, when in fact they don’t. Problems like not being able to drive, etc, only really exist in Wahhabi Saudi, and they are very real problems for woman there, despite what this woman says.
Yes, Islam is not incompatable with a modern or progressive lifestyle, the point of your article is correct – but your choice of a Saudi woman to illustrate it is dubious, certainly, ironic in the context of an international airport, and she is either lying to you or genuinely deluded.
Hi Will,
First of all, I’d like to tell you that I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you have invested in expressing your opinion about this article. It’s obviously impacted you enough for you to share what you think so vociferously.
Secondly, Thank you very much for your final comment, telling us that your objections and counter-recations are not targeted towards the writing as such.
Finally, coming to the subject and her representation of being a progressive Muslim woman-
the fact that she represents a minority or even a very small fraction of Saudi women, there is no denying that point. But your claim that her ideas and actions are not relevant towards questioning the stereotypes , simply because she is doing all of this living overseas, is something that I do not adhere to. She was planning to move back home later on this year and work there in a hospital. So, to say that she did not care about women at grass root level, back in her own country simply because she was free as long she lived abroad, I think is highly judgmental attitude.
The point that as being made in the piece was not that Saudi women are not repressed ( I’m sure a majority of them are, especially the ones living in Saudi Arabia, just as you point out) but rather to understand that another trend is definitely emerging. Yes, she was talking to me at an International airport but she had broken a lot of so-called rules even to get there. She was from Saudi Arabia, she was doing what she was doing and she was fighting her battles. She is relevant even if she is just one in a million.
Again, I appreciate the perspective that you have brought to this piece here, in whatever you are saying and thanks for that.
Priyanka
“So, to say that she did not care about women at grass root level, back in her own country simply because she was free as long she lived abroad, I think is highly judgmental attitude.”
Yes, guilty - agreed. I suppose I was thinking of some of the expat Arabs I have met personally who partake in everything Western while abroad but accept that those things are bad or haram while at home – you know, like pantsuits - or like picking up women who are not their wives in dingy clubs around SEA while their wives (plural) are under lock and key back home. In comparison, your subject sounds like she has her heart in the right place.
However, I still think that it was wrong or misleading of you to take your subjects comment “Well, that’s what one hears all the time”, which expresses (rather dubiously) doubt as to the level of repression in her country and extrapolate from that that stereotypes about Muslims are inapproriate. This is called generalising from a particular.
Of course, as I wrote earlier, I do consider stereotypes about Muslims to be factually untrue also, in the sense that there is great diversity in the (enourmous) Muslim world. But does the fact that there are many Muslim are relatively liberated (freedom of movement, choice, dress, etc) mean that ”what one hears all the time” about Saudi Arabia untrue? No, and I think you do a disservice to unliberated woman as a result of suggesting that it might be.
There are Saudi women like your subject, all over the word. Even in Saudi there are enlightened families where women have relatively more freedom compared to the rest of their countrymen - but they are a small minority, generally a rich and Western-educated one. And whatever her degree of freedom relative to their husbands and male relatives in the home, the fact remains that if your subject was to walk out unaccompanied on the street one night and be raped, she could be charged and jailed for provocation.
Oh gosh I wrote that so quickly there are lot of typo errors etc, sorry!
One in a million does not break a stereotype.
Says who?
It’s more like 99% of the billion breaking the stereotype that the media and a few bad eggs have created for the entire religion. I’ve lived in the Middle East where the majority of people are Muslim, and have been welcomed with open arms and caring smiles, like I’m part of the family. I’ve had the same reaction from Muslims in the US at mosques in NJ I’ve worked with on fundraising initiatives. We need to let go of our prejudices and remember we’re all human. All religions have their nuts. They don’t define the religion through their bastardization of it.
This is a wonderful, insightful piece. That’s one of my favorite parts about travel–that you can glimpse a culture through their own eyes.
Thanks Priyanka
I know it’s kind of hard to admit fallibility as a writer, but I think we’re all prone to such moments of humility…the fact that you underscored your own ignorance in this piece created, for me, a two-pronged response: (a) it helped me identify with you more, because instead of preaching from a pulpit, you presented your voice as one in the crowd, and (b) it prompted me to consider the stereotypes I unintentionally carry about other people.
This is an important conversation to have, and it will continue to be until we’ve all quit bickering over our differences and realizing that we have so much in common
Thanks for contributing your voice to it.
Priyanka,
excellent article.
You display a great awareness of the need for sensitivity to cultural difference. You seem to realise that an individual doesn’t have to completely reject their culture to be part of that culture’s evolution. And you seem to realise that that evolution will take place of its own accord, and may even do so more efficiently in the absence of outsiders’ incessant use of stereotypes.
This all stands in some contrast to your comments on the article about Kyrgyz bride kidnapping. There you made several points in response to my comment (posted as David). Firstly, you ask about the fates of those brides who didn’t want to marry their husbands. A lot of the time they end up being happy. A lot of them don’t, but neither do people who marry in the West. The important question, though, is what can we do about it? Which is the essential point.
We can generate stereotypes, and say things like “human rights trump tradition”. Unfortunately human rights are not something proven to exist and to override other facets of culture. They are an invention of highly individualistic Western culture. To say that human rights trump tradition is to say “my Western culture trumps your other culture”. And most people outside of the West see human rights that way – as an invention of the West, often invoked to justify things like the war in Iraq or the NATO action in Libya.
By telling people in other cultures than our human rights are more important than their centuries-old traditions, we are aligning ourselves in their eyes with people like George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. What do you think their reaction to that is going to be?
You say that the thought that a Kyrgyz girl would want to act to avoid bringing shame upon her family is highly objectionable. That is only the case if you consider the individual to be more important than the family. But I haven’t seen any argument here to say that this should be so. When a bee acts selflessly to protect its colony and in doing so loses its life, we think it is noble. A lot of people respect a soldier who gives their (usually his) life for their country. But when a girl makes a sacrifice for her family, it is highly objectionable? What do you think the reaction of a Kyrgyz person would be when you told them that their culture is highly objectionable? I imagine it wouldn’t be dissimilar to the feelings most people have when the Westboro church pickets a military funeral.
Perhaps I should have been more clear when I said that jumping up and down about the situation is not going to help. I should have said that Westerners jumping up and down about it is not going to help (Kyrgyz people struggling to change their own culture is a completely different issue). I did say that an open and respectful conversation would be more helpful. If you and others with a like mind believe that respect for human rights and increased individual freedom lead to better outcomes (and of course there is significant evidence to suggest this), then I would recommend a much calmer approach to the situation. One which avoids labelling cultures as highly objectionable. Essentially an approach which reflects the kind of sensitivity you have shown in this article about muslim stereotypes. The most the West can do is act respectfully to other cultures, and to show by example what other options exist. The power of example far exceeds that of ridicule or force.
Its not just the muslims to which this applies. Anything that is outside our normal circle – normal by any standards – cultural, behavioral, procedural – anything that we don’t really much understand about – we tend to assume and presume what would be normal. And then sometimes to make news the media distorts the perception even further. This is another article on similar lines – http://www.forbes.com/sites/scottallison/2012/08/25/gay-in-silicon-valley-a-founders-perspective/.