1. People who consider themselves “above their station” (i.e. Irish reality TV stars, models, business tycoons etc.)
Under no circumstances should you flatter yourself into thinking you can become noteworthy by being funny, pretty, smart, interesting, or wealthy. You’re Irish, for God’s sake. Have some dignity.
2. The recession
Once there was no money. Then there was loads. Then we all went crazy spending it when it wasn’t real. Then we lost it all. Now all we do is fucking moan about it.
3. Someone stealing your parking space…or your booze
They say that possession is 9/10ths of the law, and nowhere is this more true than in Ireland. After 800 years of occupation by the English, Irish people have a possession obsession. In 2012, Irish homeownership was at 74%. Apply that to what’s outside your house, and what is most precious to your social life, and you get the idea…
4. The English (but only in theory)
Technically, if you’re Irish you’re supposed to hate the English, but no one really does. In fact, most Irish people now live in England. Don’t believe me? How many neighbors do you have? Yup, 0. They’re all living in London. What are YOU still doing here?
5. People who aren’t in the round
If I’m drinking, you’re drinking. Otherwise, get out.
6. Other people’s success
The Irish are a nation of begrudgers. You might be happy for someone to their face, but you’ll whittle their success down to nothing behind their back in the time it takes to neck a Guinness.
7. Weather extremes
The default weather setting in Ireland is a grey, cold drizzle, peppered with sporadic clear spells. The Irish are in no way prepared for extended periods of heat or snow. The former will induce lengthy complaints to radio stations about the shortage of fans in supermarkets and the death of the garden lawn, whereas the latter will slowly grind functioning society to a halt and create a national grit crisis.
Knackers are a distinctly Irish phenomenon, and as such, we have a certain fondness for them. However, they will always be the butt of the joke and blamed for pretty much anything except the economy, because they’re useless spongers.
9. The price of bread…
…and soap, and nagans, and basil pesto, and petrol, and bikini waxes, and concert tickets, and cabbage, and pretty much anything else that you can exchange for money. They didn’t call it “Rip-off Ireland” for nothing.
“They come in here, stealing our jobs and our women, drinking our beer, can’t even understand them…” Ehh, haven’t we been doing that for years?! How quickly we forget.
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