Thou shalt not liveth in Beaverton.

Live in Sellwood or even in St Johns. But live in the suburban sprawl that is Beaverton and your life choices seem questionable to us.

Thou shalt know how to make her a morning coffee using the most pretentious brewing methods possible.

We shall appreciate your talent for brewing beans with that retro glass pour-over machine. Just make sure the beans are freshly ground.

Thou shalt refrain from taking us to a strip club on the first date. Or the second date.

An evening at Union Jacks Club does not pass for a date. Well, at least not the first few. This is Portland, after all.

Thou shalt be not be a meathead.

Your obsession with dumbbells and protein powder make for a boring conversation. Sorry bros, cantaloupe-sized biceps don’t impress us.

Thou shalt have some other form of employment besides thy homebrewing “business.”

We sometimes want to go on a date that involves an activity other than sipping homemade pilsner in your backyard.

Thou shalt be versed in outdoor activities such as climbing, hiking, and cycling.

Because what else do sane people do around here?

Thou shalt avoid growing facial hair of Charles Manson proportions.

Get yourself over to Bishops Barbershop. We really don’t want to deal with post-makeout beard burn.

Thou shalt never wear skinny jeans that are tighter than ours.

Unless you can really pull it off.

Thou shalt love thy DIY guitar we built for thee. From a flower box.

Obviously we spent some time making you a gift from whatever recyclable junk we had laying around, so at least pretend to love it.

Thou shalt be in a band. Even if it’s a shitty one.

Learn some form of musical talent. Most likely, it’ll get you laid here.

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