Photo: Agnieszka Gaul/Shutterstock

10 Commandments of Living in Portland

by Michelle DeVona Aug 9, 2016

1. Thou shalt recycle the fuck out of everything.

Upcycling a waist belt from that bike tire you’ve been meaning to replace? Sure, why not.

2. Thou shalt ride thy bicycle as much as possible.

Driving vehicles that belch toxic emissions is just not considered cool in this green city.

3. Thou shalt consume local organic coffee.

Head straight to Oblique Coffee Roasters or one of our local beaneries to sustain your addiction, because Portland will show its wrath on those who acquire corporate beans.

4. Thou shalt love Oregon beer and wine.

Our region is blessed with rich soil from abundant rainfall, used for the harvesting of hops and grapes. So indulge your alcoholism by way of strong drink, like Burnside IPA and Willamette Valley Pinot Noir.

5. Thou shalt never take the name of thy state “Oregon” in vain.

Those who mispronounce Oregon shall fall from grace. Repeat after me: OR-UH-GUN

6. Thou shalt not be a Republican.

Be an anarchist, be some strange variety of libertarian, or hell, be a nihilist. But be a Republican, and it’s best if you go elsewhere… Like Idaho.

7. Thou shalt bear many piercings and tattoos.

Portland needs to uphold its too-cool-for-school image, after all.

8. Thou shalt support thy brethren by the purchase of goods from local farms, businesses, and artisans.

Get yourself to the farmers market at PSU for fresh produce instead of that frozen garbage, or buy a hand-crafted guitar string bracelet at the Saturday Market in Old Town. Our farmers and craftspeople will be thankful.

9. Thou shalt honor thy artistic endeavors by working three or four jobs that pay jack shit.

Because experimental noise and street punk art keep things interesting.

10. Thou shalt keepeth thy city Portland weird.

Portland is a bastion for freaks, misfits, and other degenerates whose mere presence preserves our culture. In our land, a Darth Vader-masked bagpiping unicyclist is equally as commonplace as a shop that sells artisanal light bulbs.

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