THERE’S SOMETHING SPECIAL about my new-parent friends. I get it. They’re happy about their new baby. Their lives changed overnight with the arrival of this brand new bundle. But why, suddenly, have so many of them seemed to go batshit crazy?
I know they’ve lost their minds because of their Facebook updates tell me so.
Gone are the days of discussing worldly issues and museum visits only to be replaced with photo albums of 100+ photos of the same toddler eating cake. All different angles, though.
As I faced another day of watching baby updates scroll down my Facebook feed, I decided to start STFU Parents, a submission based blog focusing on the wonders of parent overshare, and quickly learned that I am not alone in believing that some things just shouldn’t be posted online.
“Do I have kids,” you may be wondering. No, I don’t, and I promise, I’m not anti-kid. In fact, I myself hope to have kids one day and love being around babies and children. So believe me when I say STFU Parents is not about being anti-kid. It’s about thinking “Hey, why is my high school lab partner posting photos of her daughter’s first potty poop?” Or “Did my college room mate really need to tell me about explosive vomit?”
No one really wants to know about these things, parents and non parents alike, and STFU is not about judging parents. It’s about judging people for having the lack of forethought to Facebook without any filter.
And you know what? Thousands of submissions and posts later, I realize I am doing a true public service. Do you have any idea how many parents have told me “Oh, I was the worst oversharer until I discovered your blog.” I’ve helped them reform.
So join me now as I take a look at just 10 of the things that parents should never post about on Facebook, but often do. Chances are, you know at least one person (or several people) whose updates would qualify!
1. Potty Training
Potty training success is a proud moment for parents, but do you really want to hear about it? Or see it?
2. The Taste of Breast Milk
Taste it, put it in your coffee, even bathe in it if you want to! Just please, try to keep it to yourself.
3. Galleries of 3D Ultrasounds
Why oh why does this photo album have a page 2?
4. Private Parts
Time Max will suffer from erectile dysfunction when he finds out that his mom posted this online: The rest of his life. Allow your child to have a little bit of dignity!
5. The Elasticity of Child Snot
Gross-out pow-wows on Facebook can be amusing, but I think this is what playgroups are for.
Just because you’re having a “shitty” day doesn’t mean that everyone else has to!
7. Umbilical Cords
What is it about umbilical stumps falling off that causes parents to say, “Hot damn, where’s my cell phone? I need to update my Facebook friends about this!”?
Facebook is not called Scrapbook for a reason.
9. How Advanced Your Kid Is
Tyler rolls over. Tyler sleeps through the night. Tyler is just like every other baby and Melissa’s friends are sick of hearing about him!
10. Baby Contests
Nobody logs in to Facebook to feel like their friends will “punish” them if they don’t vote for their baby. If you think your friends might be annoyed by your updates, they probably will. Even if you do have the world’s cutest baby.