1. More than twenty minutes of rain
What is this, Seattle? I’m trying to get in a 20-mile bike push on my lunch break but I might have to wait till tonight now, and if my roommate took my headlamp again I’m totally screwed.
Fortunately, this rarely happens, but if you want to get a good look at Colorado privilege, check out a Coloradan’s Twitter account anytime the sun goes away for more than half an hour.
2. Crusty ski conditions
God forbid we ever go to the east coast, because anything less than packed powder is prime game for a Colorado local to do two quick runs and think, ‘Man, I’m gonna bust my edges on this shit!’ and head straight to the bar to commiserate with the rest of the let down crowd.
3. People who take forever to get ready
Get your stuff together the night before a powder day, or risk being the butt of endless jokes throughout the day. This applies to going out at night, also.
4. Crappy draft beer selections
Coloradans’ openness at expressing discontent with lazy beer menus has actually accomplished quite a bit. Even the chain restaurants around here are adding ‘& Taphouse’ to the end of their name.
5. The political signs in their neighbor’s yard
Oh, the nuances of living in a swing state. Friendships are put on hold during election season, and casual waves turn to blank stares as you drive by your dog-walking neighbor from the other side of the aisle.
6. The Colorado Rockies
Or, more specifically, Dick Monfort. It’s only going to get worse now that the Cubs and Indians are in the World Series. One of them is going to win, and our team will be further cemented as one of the league’s perennial losers.
7. Global warming
It’s totally justified. As I write this, it’s a balmy 70 degrees in late October. I’m scared shitless, and reading the New York Times opine on moving to Boise instead of Denver to avoid the perils of the crisis doesn’t calm my nerves in the least. More than 46,000 people in our state alone work in some facet of the ski industry, and that doesn’t count all of the other eco-related jobs that may be affected by a warming planet.
Here in rectangle state, we have little sympathy for those who don’t benefit from white Christmases and the eternal joy of four seasons. Does the entire population of Dallas need to spend Christmas in Durango every year? How’re those blue jeans doing to ward off that whitewater? Don’t get me wrong, we’ll gladly take their money, as that season pass isn’t going to pay for itself.
The fact that several stretches of this highway are monuments to modern architecture and helped to put CDOT on the map as one of the country’s prominent overseers of transit improvement matters little to the average Coloradan. Just the mere mention of I-70 brings a sour look to people’s face, and births a premature anxiety about their ability to abide by the alarm clock’s demands on a Saturday morning or face the consequences of high-altitude gridlock.
10. People moving here.
All of the other factors are merely a result of this one. No matter their political or social views, no matter the level of commitment to the Broncos, no matter what part of the state they’re from, the ONE thing that every Coloradan will gladly moan about is the state’s skyrocketing population. Add a few beers, and the moaning will only get louder and less forgiving.