Good ol’ California. It’s a big multicultural metropolis; and when it comes to creativity, the sky’s the limit in California. The state of California has morphed into a giant lab of cultural experimentation with an unfettered spirit that nurtures and encourages ingenious ideas. And with literally everything under the sun at the palm of your hand, it’s difficult not to create new habits and obsessions along your daily grind.
1. Finding a parking spot.
You have literally won the golden ticket. Bitch, I know that you drove around the block nearly 47 times prior to parallel parking into the tiny spot between a Tesla and a decked out Benz. Snapchat and seize the moment. Don’t even bother during peak rush hours; take an Uber. And if you don’t read the parking spots that specifically state the regulations pertaining to the area you are located, be prepared for a nifty little ticket in a white envelope on your dash.
2. Healthy eating
Get it right and get it tight. You live on the border of Mexico where the absolute freshest and most delicious avocados, mangoes, kiwis, and coconuts known to man are available year-round. You have NO excuse for driving your lazy ass through a Mcdonald’s drive-thru when you already know that human beings set up shop on the block for a $5 goodie bag full of fruit that is fresh as fuck.
3. Dogs… Everywhere
Want to take your dog with you to the grocery store? Or even while you’re getting your nails done for the tenth time this month? Go for it. Your four-legged homie is even more welcome than you are. Dress that puppy up and get out on the town to strut your stuff; I guarantee that your dog will get more attention than you do.
It’s the glammed out, superstar-infested extravaganza that you dreamed about and more. The Empire Polo Club morphs into a mecca for the new era. The 78-acre stretch motherland full of love, wannabe gypsies, flower crowns for days, hella sand and a myriad of human beings enthusiastically eager to drown in the music equates to Christmas in April. Sure, you’ll stumble upon spilled drinks everywhere and moment after moment of not knowing what’s in store, but fuck it, right? You’re at Coachella.
Get your zen on, bitch. 25% of Californians talk about exercising, hiking trails, spots to check out across P1 and which ocean has the best surf more than they actually participate. But, for those 75% who engage with glee, being active and physically fit is an advantage that leaks into every aspect of your existence. Whether you’re a gym junkie or enjoy hiking up sprawling mountains throughout gorgeous National Parks, fitness is synonymous with health and health is the ultimate wealth. Or so they say…
6. Bitches who brunch
Bitches who are visibly underfed be brunchin’ on the reg. Due to all of the gorgeous oceanside restaurants with owners that support brunch more than they support calling their own mother, brunch competition is fierce. And you already know that meeting up to talk shit at a table with your besties who won’t let you sit at their table is the cool thing to do these days.
7. Area codes.
Where you living? Bitch, I’m living in the 310. Yup, you don’t even have to thank Ludacris for this one. It’s just a thing. When people ask you where you are living in California, you tell them your area code. People (including my hot mess self) have found a strange sense of pride through fierce expression of where they are renting their 200ft room in a ex reality television stars hideous home.
8. Wearing your bathing suit. Everywhere.
You never know what’s going to go down, right? Sport that bikini under your fake Chanel t-shirt when you’re going to the gas station, because you might meet Mr. Right who is willing to toss away his responsibilities for the day to play with you at the beach. And when I say play, I mean that he is probably going to score and that bikini is going to drop to the floor. Yolo…
Last but not least, like I mentioned earlier, don’t even bother driving during rush hour. Let the kings and queens who sit back in their cars all day and parade our foolhardy asses around town do the work. Yes, you all may have your Bugattis that have been blinged out at West Coast Customs, but you know that’s just for show.