1.

A normal friend will tell you how they feel in almost any situation.
An English friend will keep all their feelings bottled up until they’re blind drunk and then shout them at you.

2.

A normal friend will give you their honest opinion about something when you ask for it.
An English friend will tell you what you want to hear until they’re three pints in.

3.

A normal friend will give you compliments, be nice and be affectionate when they’re trying to show they like you.
An English friend will call you a dick and punch you on the arm.

4.

When you first meet a normal friend they will ask you questions about yourself in order to get to know you.
When you first meet an English friend, they will stay quiet until something happens that you can both moan about.

5.

A normal friend will bond with you over stories of travel and lovers and taking and receiving advice.
An English friend will bond with you over making stories, becoming your lover and being the reason you need advice after one too many pints of ale.

6.

A normal friend goes on a night out to dance and meet new people.
An English friend goes on a night out to drink too much, say questionable things to strangers and not remember why they woke up with puke in their hair and a bruise on their thigh.

7.

A normal friend will only go to the beach when temperatures reach at least 25C and the sun is shining.
An English friend will go to the beach in any weather, armed with sunblock and a windbreak, all year round.

8.

A normal person will help you solve your problems by listening and giving advice.
An English friend will help you solve your problems by filling you with either tea or beer, depending on the severity of the situation.

9.

A normal friend will greet you with a hug and a kiss.
An English friend will talk about the weather before they ask you how you are.

10.

A normal friend will apologise for walking into you.
An English friend will apologise to you for something you did.

11.

When a normal friend asks you if you’re alright, they’re really asking if you’re OK.
When an English friend asks you if you’re alright, they’re saying hello.