1. Take the piss
Yes we may be insulting you and your entire family, but it just shows how much we like you. Alright, you great big dickhead?
The true sound of English fury. And don’t think you can tut at us ‘under your breath’ — we heard it, and we’re going to tut right back at you. But louder.
3. Dance while drunk
We might be stiff-limbed wallflowers while sober, but give us a few double vodkas and we’ll set the dance floor on fire. Beyonce who?
4. Understand subtle criticism
I know that I could instantly destroy your self-confidence by answering ‘fine’ to the question ‘how do I look’?
5. Make snap judgements about people based on their tea preferences
More than one sugar? You probably read The Sun. No sugar, dash of skimmed milk? Guardian reader and possibly a vegetarian. Herbal? Bet you’re a barrel of laughs on a night out.
6. Discuss the weather
So what if our climate is best described as ‘mild’? That doesn’t mean we can’t discuss the weather at great length every day and with everybody we meet. Looks like it might rain later. Have your heard that wind? Blowing a gale.
7. Disguise embarrassing purchases
Uh-oh, we’re out of loo roll/tampons/condoms. But we can’t buy that embarrassing item on its own. Better throw something else into the basket to detract attention. Oh look, a wine promotion. Cheap cheese! Those crisps look quite nice. Now we’re ready to pay.
Fail to observe correct queueing etiquette at your peril. Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me! That’s not the back of the queue! (Giant collective tut).
9. Make the most of sunny days
The sun’s out and the temperature has crept above ‘chilly’ — time to ‘pull a sicky’ and rush to the supermarket for emergency supplies of booze, meat and disposable barbecues.
10. Lose umbrellas
Props to the English for keeping the world economy afloat through the repeated purchase of brollies. We leave them behind on trains, in taxis, and most of all we leave them in the pub. Can we be bothered going back for them? No we cannot.
11. Dress inappropriately for the weather
We’ve bought new clothes for summer. So if summer doesn’t materialise, we’ll just wear them anyway. And shiver. Looks like rain, where’s the brolly? Oh bugger, we left it in the pub.