1. You know there’s always bread on the table.
You always need bread during a French meal; be it for pâté, cheese, soaking up some delicious sauce from your plate, or for nibbling in between courses, there’s no way you can start eating without it. I cannot count the times I’ve had to run to the bakery just before closing time to get the last of the baguette, or, when really late, whatever’s left (usually a big pain de campagne or some strange granary concoction) just to make sure dinner would not be pain-free. The disappointment of a meal without bread can only be explained by the growling noise your stomach makes when you had – God forbid – cereals for breakfast!
2. You know the difference between “une ficelle”, “une tradition”, “une ordinaire”.
Yes, they’re all baguettes. No, they’re all different.
3. You know crêpes are not a breakfast item.
The only time you’ve eaten crêpes for breakfast was when there were some left over from dinner. And no, they were not last night’s dessert either; you can fill these tasty guys with whatever you’d like so they can constitute a wholesome and healthy meal. You also know that there’s nothing weird about melting a little butter and spreading some sugar inside one of them. If that’s good enough for the Bretons, that’s good enough for you!
4. You know something about cheese the rest of the world ignores.
The stinkier, the better!
5. You know knives are not optional.
In France, when you set the table, everyone gets a fork (on the left of the plate), a spoon (at the top, between your glass and your plate), and a knife (on the right). Contrary to what goes on in North America, in France knives are not only useful for cutting into a steak, they’re here (mostly, but not only) for pushing the food from your plate into your fork. There’s nothing more awkward than trying to get a few grains of rice or eat some long green beans than with just the use of a fork. Cutting a slice of cheese at the end of the meal and spreading on a piece of bread is not optional, so neither is the knife!
6. You know that butter is always salted and stays in the fridge.
You also know that the real deal is Paysan Breton; the kind that has large salt chunks in it.
7. You know paper napkins are not to be seen on the table.
I can still picture my mom watching the French version of “Come dine with me” and yelling at he screen: “Why on Earth would you use paper napkins?! Why?” Not only are they an environmental disaster, but, in France, nothing says “I can’t be bothered” like a paper napkin. You always use the cloth kind and put a ring around it to differentiate yours from other people’s. You must have 200 of them in the linen closet and each has they all have a matching table cloth.
8. You know that the word “dessert” does not deliver on its promise.
Although France is famous for its delicious pastries, you never expect an éclair au chocolat, a choux à la crème, or a Paris-Brest at the end of every lunch. Instead you know you’ll be disappointed with a fruit, a yogurt, or even applesauce.
9. You know very few vegetarians.
And those who dared adopt a cruelty-free diet have left the country… You can’t blame them.
10. You know that Friday night is Apéro night!
Although you wish you could have one every evening after a long day of work, l’apéro is usually a Friday night special. You get the mini-pizzas, mini-sausages, the apéricubes, and the mini-Boursins out and pour yourself the first of a series of good, refreshing kirs.
11. You know who makes the best saucisson.
Justin Bridou, that’s who!
12. You always have a box of Nesquick handy.
When you want to feel like a child again, you put two tablespoons of Nesquick at the bottom of a breakfast bowl, heat up some milk on the stove, and remove the cream layer that looks like wrinkled skin before mixing both. That’s what you had for breakfast for the first 15 years of your life and nothing beats a comforting hot cocoa. Forget Ovomaltine, even though “c’est d’la dynamite”, it does not hold a candle to the content of the yellow box.