1. I don’t know about you, but I prefer the watery blandness of store-bought salsa over the earthy, flavorful depth of red chile or the sweet vegetal heat of green chile. Who likes versatile, deliciously spicy regional foods anyway?
2. Given the choice between hiking to one of New Mexico’s many breathtaking views and staying in bed, I choose bed.
3. New Mexico has countless regional traditions rooted in many cultures. All those parties and festivals sound exhausting.
4. Colorful, varied regional vegetation that gives a cinematic quality to the desert landscape? No thanks, I prefer concrete parking lots and soybean fields. Plus, cacti are dangerous!
5. I didn’t like history class, so why would I care that New Mexico is full of ancient historical sites and home to countless petroglyphs, ruins, and even UNESCO World Heritage Sites?
6. There’s just too much art. Whether it’s famed contemporary museums, folk art markets or countless galleries, it’s overkill! Plus, turquoise is really not my color.
7. So what if New Mexico is home to some of the most mind-boggling caves and rock formations known to man? The earth’s surface isn’t like, a wondrous and complex tapestry of geological phenomena or anything.
8. A walk through the gypsum crystal dunes of White Sands National Monument is just so cliché.
9. Why would I soak in a mountaintop hot spring when I can just stew in a tepid hot tub at my local motel?
10. Pie Town? Meh, I’m more of a cake person.
11. The Albuquerque hot air balloon fiesta is the largest in the entire world, which sounds like it would be a nightmare.
12. I’m partial to a cluttered and oppressive skyline, none of this “big sky” stuff.
13. They say the New Mexico Dark Sky sites are some of the best stargazing spots in the world, but staying up all night staring into the enigmatic abyss of the surrounding universe sounds like a recipe for a cold and an existential panic attack. Pass.
14. I’ve been ordered to stay at least 1000 feet from George R.R. Martin so I should probably avoid his home of Santa Fe.
15. One word: Aliens.