1. You know a crik is a creek, a ruff is a roof, and wuder is water.
Are we wrong for pronouncing Reese’s Pieces as ree-cees pee-cees? For not understanding how Italian ice is a better name for water ice? After all, it’s not from Italy, it’s from water. Really, we’re just glad we don’t sound like the people from Maryland or New Jersey.
2. At college, you told everyone you were from ‘just outside’ Philadelphia.
Because you’re lazy. And you got tired of saying “I’m from 35 minutes south of Philadelphia. Do you know West Chester? Yeah, twenty minutes away from there. Do you know where Media is? Yeah, twenty minutes away from there.”
3. You know exactly what a mushroom farm smells like.
I can tell you what it smells like. It smells like a Snorlax came in and laid of bunch mushroom eggs and each egg individually exploded into a million garbage cans. Should be be proud of the fact that HALF of America’s mushrooms are grown near Kennett Square, PA? God help us.
4. The Delco Daily Times“Sound Off” is better than any reality TV show.
Sound Off is for people who love to complain about nothing and who have not yet figured out the internet. Home to political rants, shout outs to local mailmen, and general complaints about changes of any kind. Pure Delco gold.
5. You find failure in cheesesteaks made anywhere else.
I once ordered a cheesesteak in Pittsburgh and they gave me a Salisbury steak. It was a patty and it was so wrong. Like every good southeastern Pennsylvanian, you know a cheesesteak consists of sliced steak, cheese (traditionally wiz), and MAYBE peppers and onions on a hoagie roll. That is all that you should be eating. Anything else and you’ll be making a cheese(mis)steak.
6. You’ve looked for the devil on Cossart Road.
In Southeastern PA, the road to hell is paved with asphalt. Someone’s uncle’s friend’s daughter’s iguana maybe told you that Cossart Road is the home of the devil house, devil tree, or Satan himself. In fact, they tried to drive up to the house and were chased away by mysterious SUVs (Satan’s Utility Vehicles). You’ve gone looking, but it’s a lot harder now that the road sign is in the basement of some student house in Pittsburgh.
7. You’ve gone on a school band trip to Hershey Park.
Even when it rained there, you could at least go on the Hershey’s Chocolate World Factory Tour ride over and over again. And until you maybe thought you WERE chocolate, you’d wrap yourself in tin foil to begin life reborn as a Hershey Kiss. You tried to find work as a bell on Hershey’s Christmas commercials, but it turns out they’ve been using the same one since 1989.
Also, this is the only place in the world you get to measure your height by candy size. I am barely a Jolly Rancher and I am 26 years old.
8. During the summer you went ‘down the shore.’
Hot weather meant packing up the minivan and hitting the land of salt water taffy – Ocean City, Sea Isle City, or Wildwood, NJ– home of the coolest Wawa. You got pizza at Sam’s, ice cream at Hassel’s and rode on the log flume before your older sister dragged you kicking and screaming onto Dante’s Dungeon, the scariest ride for children under 12, or me at any age. Maybe you preferred the Atlantic Ocean, cold, green and now with 50% less trash.
9. You’ve been bitten by something in the Brandywine River.
Everyone knows that the Brandywine is the famous river in the land of Shire in Middle Earth – but YOU know that Southeastern PA has one to call its own. And boy is it fun. You’ve enjoyed tubing, kayaking and swimming in the river with as few as three leaches attached to you.
10. You know Delaware as the state of tax-free shopping.
The Duponts are a legend there – and while you’re not sure how you feel about the rumors of inbreeding and insanity, you do know you love shopping at Concord Mall. You can also thank the Duponts for Longwood Gardens in Kennett Square, PA. My grandparents used to tell me the venus fly traps there would eat my fingers. Thanks, crazy rich people!
11. Your school days were defined by trips to the Franklin Institute and the State Capitol.
When your elementary school choir wasn’t busy singing “Rudolph’s First Communion,” to the governor, you waited out field trips to the Franklin Institute tripping the other kids running through the giant arteries.
12. Your friend’s parents had a bathroom dedicated to Penn State University.
About a third of your class ended up going there. Another third went to West Chester University. And the other third went to Temple University. My brother went to Pizza University. He couldn’t make the grades so he had to make the pizza. Just kidding, he goes to Temple too.
13. Your cousin was an extra in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
AND HE WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Spoiler alert – M. Night Shyamalan’s career has been dead this entire time.
14. You know the Pennsylvania Dutch is not just an eggnog company.
Lancaster County is your source for good food and solid furniture. You’ve driven past a horse-drawn buggy, took a picture of it and sent it to your friend with the caption “NBD.” You shop at Booth’s Corner Farmers Market where you enjoy the freshest meat, produce, funnel cakes and whoopee pies the PA Dutch can provide.
15. You’ve seriously injured yourself sledding on the Clayton Park Golf Course.
You were fine as long as you could stop before the tree line. Or the water feature. Also as long as you didn’t get a hole in one… of your snowpants’ legs.
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