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15 Signs You're Back in Portland

by Michelle DeVona Jul 27, 2016

1. The over-100 years-old spooky goth GasCo building is not there anymore.

The drive along Route 30 just got much less interesting.

2. Your now-married friends all moved to Gresham.

And are trying to convince you that’s it’s the “next” Portland.

3. There’s multiple vans parked on your street absolutely covered with Bernie Sanders bumper stickers.

Nice to know you’re back in the progressive habitat that is Portland.

4. There’s a boutique hat shop where your favorite punk club used to be.

In fact, entire blocks are becoming too rich for your blood. Once a stomping ground for outsiders and degenerates, now some scenes are just boring.

5. There’s now a New Seasons Market in your neighborhood, which can only mean one thing…

Might as well kiss low rent prices goodbye, along with that hole in the wall neighborhood bar you frequent.

6. You just caught a headline in Willamette Week that one of your favorite local metal bands broke up.

First the punk club, now this?

7. It takes 15 minutes longer to commute home on I-5 than it used to.

Which makes you wish everyone would just stop fucking moving here already.

8. The shitty dive you used to go to for $1 beer and cheap food all of a sudden had a paint job. And the floors are not sticky anymore.

In other words, it’s too nice now, which pretty much ruins the novelty of going.

9. You used to enjoy biking along that scenic route on North Willamette Blvd. but now it’s overrun with cyclists.

And too many cars.

10. Suddenly, you notice that more than half the people living here are younger than you.

Are you just getting old or is Portland’s population getting younger?

11. There’s a vegan “cheese” shop and a vegan “deli” next door to each other.

Only in Portland.

12. You have a minimum of three options for a non-dairy creamer at most coffee shops.

Which is a welcome relief after only having soy milk as the option.

13. Your server can tell you everything about the menu, from where the ingredients are sourced, how the food is prepared, whether it can be made vegan or gluten free, etc.

You have to admit, this is kind of nice.

14. You just downed a Breakside IPA and loved every minute of it.

Best beer in the universe.

15. You don’t have to leave the city to go hiking.

Because Forest Park.

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