1. You breeze through stop signs and crosswalks.
Yeah, whether in a big town or small town: Oregon is a pedestrian-friendly state (also just a normal friendly state). And where are you trying to get to in such a hurry? California?
2. You accidently call U of O “UC Oregon”
Yeah no, there are folks scrambling to get into our university system, be it for PSU’s urban planning program, UO’s journalism school or Oregon State for robotics and engineering (and this started before Californians started coming up to escape the overpriced UC system).
3. You don’t simultaneously complain about and gush over McMenamins.
Ugh. So touristy, the beer sucks and the food is crazy bland…but wow is it cool to be dancing to bluegrass in a repurposed morgue right now.
4. You think that we are just a bunch of Haight-Ashbury and Williamsburg expats.
Tell that to the folks at Pendleton Roundup, one of the largest rodeos in the world.
5. You get out of the car at the gas station.
You may have heard: we have attendants, just like every other great state in the union. What up, New Jersey!
6. You start being a total bummer to be around at the end of September and don’t let up until July.
Jesus, drive to Klamath Falls if you have to get out of the rain so bad.
7. You won’t shut up about Couch Street.
Ha-ha, we say it funny. Also correctly.
8. You don’t have heaps of mildew-y sweaters lying in your closet.
Sometimes it feels like sweaters are the most prized inheritances for born-in-state Oregonians who find these comfy flannel and wool items to be the perfect gear for a sentimental rainy Sunday in the yard.
9. You think we die of dysentery for some reason.
Is this like a reference I’m missing? Are you one of those really old 90’s Babies clinging onto irrelevant cultural iconography or something?
10. You cannot tell the difference between a Doug Fir and a Ponderosa Pine.
Bro, look at the needle tufts, pinecone shapes, and bark flakiness. Or just remember which side of the Cascades you’re on.
11. You make fun of my flannel.
Why no, I am not a lumberjack…oh. Ha. Hope you enjoy that plastic raincoat during a 70-degree sun shower.
12. You don’t know what “sun shower” means.
Or heavy drizzle, downpour, freezing rain, sleet storm, blistering fog or condensation hullaballoo (the last two only REAL Oregonians know about. Don’t even try to internet this one).
13. You hear Oregon Country Fair and think county fair.
If you are looking to bask in that legendary Oregon weirdness, this be the renn-fair-y place. Bring a costume.
14. You talk about micro-brewing like a passing fad.
Micro brewing has been our thing since Portland’s Cartwright Brewing Company opened in 1980. Thank the weather or a law that legalized brewpubs in 1985, but binge drinking craft beer is here to stay.
15. You keep talking about how Portland is the Next SF or Seattle.
Oh my God shuuuut uuuuhp with this noise (also, Seattle wishes that it had the urban planning foresight of Portland).
16. Your weirdness ends at died hair, micro-homes, and veganism.
Ho brother, just wait until you hit up Stripperaoke. Bring your mom.