“They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime, They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are bringing tacos and margaritas.”
Because Donald Trump “loves Hispanics.” If you want an $18 taco bowl sufficiently pandered to your Mexican taste buds, try the build your own tacos and margaritas at Barrio.
Pro Tip: I recommend washing down your freshly swallowed pride, self-respect, and human decency with the El Diablo (Spanish for Donald Trump (Scalia was right!))
2. Corky and Lenny’s
“Black guys making my corned beef! I hate it. The only kind of people I want making my corned beef are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”
Pro Tip: a retweet of @WhiteGenocide is not an endorsement.
3. Happy Dog
“I will build a great hot dog — and nobody builds hot dogs better than me, believe me.”
Do you build great things with your very good brain? With at least 49 more toppings than Trump policy positions, I assure you this wiener will compensate for whatever problems you have going on down there. Just don’t expect Happy Dog to pick up the tab.
Pro Tip: Order the “1:45 AM special.” Use a knife and fork if you have small hands.
4. Tina’s Nite Club
“Make America Great Again.”
Looking for a place to sing “Glory Days” by Chris Christie’s second favorite Boss and discuss when our country was great? Before Burwell? Before Lawrence v. Texas? How about before Roe v. Wade? Before Brown v. Board of Education? Just like in the primaries, talent or ability of any kind are not needed to perform karaoke hits at Tina’s Nite Club.
Pro Tip: On ladies night, women can choose their own drink, but only if they don’t dress like they’re asking for it.
UPDATE: Only Ted Nugent songs will be available during convention week.
5. Mabel’s BBQ
“Fat pigs, dogs, slobs, disgusting animals.”
Mabel’s, a popular new restaurant on East 4th, has flavor coming out of their wherever. With lines out the door, Clint Eastwood may have trouble striking up a conversation inside. Kenn Starr promises to look the other way as you assault Chef Michael Symon’s beef brisket. Just don’t get any sauce on your date’s dress or a congressional investigation may follow.
Pro Tip: For those who “like their turkey not captured,” I hear it’s free range.
6. Hot Sauce Williams
“Look at my African-American restaurant over there!”
Hot Sauce Williams Organization makes great food.
Pro-Tip: Because this neighborhood does not resemble traditional GOP communities like Scottsdale, McKinney, or Berlin 1936, resident GOP black man Ben Carson will be directing criminals immediately to the guy behind the counter.
7. Around the Corner
“That basketball ring is the same height here as it is New York City.”
Looking for a place to throw back beer so cold it proves global warming is a hoax and discuss your favorite cylindrical athletic pastime with some working-class blue-collar citizenry? Try Around the Corner.
Pro Tip: Ben Carson, Anne Coulter, Tom Brady and other University of Michigan Trumperines may not be welcome at this OSU-friendly establishment. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of other places to find people chanting “Heil!” in unison this week.
8. Barley House
Not to be misunderestimated, George W. Bush will be dancing and grinning on the grave of the GOP all week at Barley House downtown. You won’t have to look far for some real WMDs “White Male Dufuses.”
Pro Tip: Buy G.W. 9 shots and 11 beers and he will admit to anything.