8 Things Oregonians Love To Whine About

1. People who can’t drive in the snow.

About once a year a couple of inches of snow falls across the valley causing a large portion of the population to assume the rule of general anarchy. Cars slide sideways down on-ramps as they spin their wheels faster and faster thinking it may just help them get traction, trucks are left abandoned on the freeway, four lanes become one and law and order are put on hold. Meanwhile, those who aren’t from California and have driven in the snow before trade smug smiles of satisfaction about how this “isn’t even bad.”

2. Anheuser-Busch buying Ten Barrel.

When it comes to corporate takeovers, one could say Oregonians are not a fan. But this is even more true when it becomes to our beloved beer. But with millions of dollars on the table and an unbeatable distribution network, could you blame Bend’s Ten Barrel for selling out? Yes, we could.

3. Californians, Washingtonians, and “other” invaders

They drive up rent, take our jobs, and change our culture! Wait a minute. That sounds kind of like the nationalist right-wing rhetoric that got Donald Trump elected. Hmm. How about, we “like” them, we just wish they’d have stayed home and left the crappy affordable apartments to us.

4. Portland

Everything is always about Portland. Oh, Portland, you’re so special and unique. Something happened in Portland? Now everyone in the state knows about it. No one cares about Medford. Poor Medford. It’s all the hipsters’ fault. What lies lie beneath those beards?

5. Traffic

It took me thirty-five minutes to get across town. Unbelievable. Shut up California, no one cares.

6. The loss of public land

Oregonians like to hike, walk, birdwatch, ski, run, and ride bikes naked. When the state starts to sell off public land to the highest bidder, there’s a little less room for stuff like that, driving some Oregonians (and out-of-staters) to take over federal buildings to make a point. And why not when many of them got off without being charged for a single thing.

7. Liberals

While the majority of voters in Oregon are liberal, most of them come from Portland and the Willamette Valley. Geographically speaking, the state is about as red as they come, awash in a sea of crimson every election season, yet Portland decides how the state will vote, leaving many to wonder why they vote at all. The answer? Moral high ground in political discussions, of course.

8. The OLCC

The Oregon Liquor Control Commission is a dinosaur of the prohibition era that not only decides the price of alcohol in our state, but won’t let us buy our hard booze at grocery stores like other civilized states. We have to go to a state-controlled liquor store to buy our heavily-taxed bottles of spirits. They also sunk their greedy bureaucratic fingers into the buying, selling, and licensing of marijuana dispensaries and grow operations. What next OLCC? Are you going to ban me from drinking at work!?