1. You (and everyone) drives a Subaru.
I admit, I drive a Subaru. So does my wife. So do many of my friends. But at least as many of them drive Toyota Tacomas, so you can’t say everyone.
2. You pray to a statue of John Elway.
Yep, and you sing chants of ‘Let’s Go Broncos!’ in church and wear beanies and parkas year round. Yeah, we’ve all seen South Park.
3. You sit around freezing your ass off all the time.
Have you ever been to Minnesota? Do a little research. Our climate is actually pretty temperate compared to what you might think — much of the state is located on the edge of the plains or in a high desert. It does get cold in winter, but odds are it’ll be sixty degrees a couple days later, so you’ll thaw out just fine.
4. You know how to ride a horse and wrangle a steer.
My friends and family really don’t know the first thing about either of those activities.
5. After you wrangle the steer, you cut off its balls and grill them.
Only on certain occasions. When you’re in a landlocked state and the craving for oysters hits like the plague, you gotta do something.
6. You’re a Midwesterner.
No. No, actually I’m not. Basic geography, people.
7. You live to ski (or snowboard).
Ok. Got me again. I’m on the slopes as much as possible each winter. However, I know a surprising amount of people here who don’t ski or snowboard at all. Personally, I think they are crazy.
8. You spend each April 20th at Farrand Field in Boulder.
One of the most distinct memories of my teenage years was marching, through a thick cloud of smoke, across the CU-Boulder campus towards Farrand Field, only to find it barricaded by police. After a quick powwow (“Aw, man, total buzzkill!) the stoned masses decided to take the field back. We jumped over the fence, darted around the officers, and re-congregated in the center of the field just before 4:20. Despite the fact that they turned the sprinklers on us, the annual plume of smoke rose above the campus like an over-inflated balloon that had escaped from a child’s grasp.
Oh wait, did I just admit that?
9. You’re hoping to grow up to be a hippie or a cowboy.
Hippies lived in the sixties and cowboys are a dying breed.