Photo: Megan Mahoney Photography/Shutterstock

How to Confuse a Coloradan

by Tim Wenger Sep 21, 2016

Ski in jeans.

Oh, Texans. You’re not on a ranch. Thank you for spending so much money in our state, y’all are awfully friendly, but when will you get a clue?

Have a panic attack when driving over a mountain pass in the summer.

Look, it’s going to be fine. Breaking into a cold sweat and driving seven miles per hour is only going to make things worse.

Talk about ocean-related activities.

Deep sea fishing and yacht upkeep are two topics on which few Coloradans have a firm grasp. We can hold our own in conversations around activities that can be done at a reservoir, but if there’s salt in the water where you’re from, better keep the talk elementary.


My wife recently told me that I look awkward when I dress up. This is mostly because I have no idea what I’m doing. Neither do many others around here, which is why Colorado towns like Durango consistently top ‘worst dressed cities’ lists. Rocking the ‘Colorado tuxedo’ to fancier places is the preferred method — a polo or button down and nice jeans.

Take away the mountains and we’ll have no sense of direction.

On the front range, the mountains are always west. I can find my way home as long as I can see the mountains. On the western slope, it’s a little tougher but there are still high-alpine landmarks — just gotta make sure you’re looking at mountains, not plateaus or mesas.

Suggest that it’s too hot or cold out and we should just stay in.

What are we going to do? Sit around and play cards?

Put us in a place without four distinct seasons.

Hot in the summer, cool in the winter, colorful one way in the fall, colorful another way in Spring. Always.

Discuss the topic of cannabis-friendly nightclubs.

Since the rec law took effect January 1, 2014, the topic of being able to smoke pot in public has constantly been on the tongue of the press, state and municipal governments, and the general population. Cannabis-friendly clubs will open, then they’ll be shut down, then a law will be proposed, then another. As far as I can tell, no one — not even the politicians — have any clue how to handle this topic and it really seems as though we’ve done three or four complete 360s with nothing being decided.

Discuss population growth.

With all the ‘no vacancy’ bumper stickers and constant demonizing of new construction all over the state, it seems at first as though Coloradans are firmly against people moving here. But no one seems to mind the increased wages, job opportunities, and awesome activities going on as Colorado, and Denver in particular, continues to grow on the world stage. Most conversations seem to lead to a conclusion of ‘Yeah, it sucks that the traffic is getting so bad and rent is so high, but all of the attention is kind of exciting!’ with each person taking both sides of the argument at one point or another.

Don’t understand what is so great about craft culture.

We’ve got breweries, distilleries, artists, produce, you name it — if it’s from CO, we’re all about it.

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