How to Piss Off Someone From Colorado

Colorado Student Work
by Tim Wenger Oct 28, 2015

Ask to borrow our gear.

The answer is no, and not just because you’ll probably break or lose it. It’s a matter of being properly prepared or suffering the consequences.

Make a meme, joke, or entire comedy routine about legal weed.

Yes, we have realized the irony of Denver being the ‘Mile High City’ and no, we don’t laugh about it anymore. That was so 2008. We’ve all got our regular dispensary, and the weekly conversation with our favorite budtender never includes discussion of Oreos or lost keys.

Be a dick.

We’ll say hello, even when walking down Colfax. It’s hard to keep your eyes glued to your shoes when you live somewhere this beautiful — which can lead to that knowing eye contact that separates the locals from the gapers. It must be the polarization of living between the coasts — our ‘flyover’ state never got bit by the asshole bug.

Explain how craft beer is really not your thing.

If we’re out in some wormhole that doesn’t have four IPAs to choose from we might settle for a Banquet, but that’s a last resort. We’ve got our tickets to beer’s biggest event, conveniently purchased online while sitting at the corner brewpub enjoying a post-hike drink, and if you show up asking for a Bud Light you’re going to get ‘The Look.’

Ride around with an Oakland Raiders sticker on your car with Colorado plates.

We see that giant decal on your black 4Runner. How can you possibly root for such a crappy team? It’s like you want to irritate us. Us Denverites know about their damn rings — and it’s been a long time since 1983.

Don’t do any research on ski culture before you vacation or move here.

You’re already skiing in jeans at Steamboat and switch-backing your way down the cruisers at Breck. If you can’t figure out where the moguls go in the summer, you’re beyond hope. Watch a couple Warren Miller films.

Wear that Cubs jersey to Coors Field when we’re playing the Giants.

Oh, that guys is from the Midwest. He’s so unique! Exactly what we needed, another reminder of our town being overrun just as we’re watching our damn bullpen blow it once again.

Be upset when the weather changes abruptly.

There is a reason why we keep a jacket in the back of our Subaru at all times. The 15-minute rule applies, especially on your way up a 14er, and even in the city we’re always ready to shed a layer as we’re walking down the 16th Street Mall.

Breeze? What breeze?

Call Denver a ‘cow town.’

RTD is slowly stepping it up. The DCPA is nearly as good as Broadway. And god dammit, we have just as many mustachioed hipsters as anywhere in the Pacific Northwest. So what about the cattle drive, most of them are from Kansas anyhow.

Say that The Gorge, or any other music venue for that matter, is better than Red Rocks.

The climb up to the entrance is nothing. We’ve done it so many times that we have the timing down perfectly for one more beer on the way up, finishing the last sip and ditching the bottle in the receptacle just before the ticket gate. And that view is like the eternal Facebook cover photo for our minds. No other venue has anything on that.

Complain about doing ‘outdoorsy stuff.’

Our pride is a tally of on-slope days and off-grid nights. The biggest mode of caution when planning a trip is whether Joe is going to bring his cousin from LA that complains 15 minutes into the hike, needing a bathroom, so just keep your mouth shut and keep walking.

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