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How to Piss Off Someone From Wyoming

by James Frazier Garland May 21, 2015

1. Assume we’re from Jackson Hole.

There’s only 550,000 Wyomingites and less than 2% of us claim Jackson Hole as our residence. Plus there’s a ton of transplant wannabe Wyomingites in that neck of the woods, so take any impressions they make on you with a grain of salt.

2. Say that Jackson Hole is the only worthwhile place in the entire state.

That corner of Wyoming is undeniably beautiful and deserves the hype, but our entire state abounds with incredible places. However, modesty is one of our strong suits and we prefer not to draw the crowds.

3. Tell meth jokes.

When did this virulent substance become humorous? Despite the amusing portrayal of the meth industry in the television series Breaking Bad, this stuff is a real menace. Widespread use is certainly not the norm, but in affected areas the addiction to these substances tears apart families and communities. Please get a little more creative with your jokes and lets laugh about something that’s actually funny.

4. Classify us all as conservative extremists.

Wyoming will probably always go red in a presidential election, but that doesn’t mean we all idolize Dick Cheney. We have plenty of freethinking individuals that don’t sound like dogmatic Fox News anchors. Yes, we might have different views, but many of us see beyond the elephant and donkey show in Washington, and we don’t let politics define us.

5. Complain about the long boring drives.

So you’ve survived the 401 tedious miles that make up Wyoming’s stretch of Interstate 80. Congratulations, you did it once! To get just about anywhere in Wyoming you can count on a lengthy uneventful cruise, and we’ve been doing it our whole lives. Can’t you recognize the beauty that lies in the endless prairie? Can’t you just be happy that such ‘nothingness’ exists? Either way, we do appreciate your contributions to the Wyoming Treasury Department via the Highway Patrol.

6. Drive dangerously slowly in mild winter conditions.

Snow flurries do not warrant driving half the speed limit. You are only creating a hazardous situation by going 20 mph on the Interstate. If you can’t handle driving in wintery conditions please stay off the roads.

7. Ask if we marry our cousins.

We pride ourselves in strong family connections, but not like that.

8. Ask if we ride a horse to school.

Nope, another stereotype unfulfilled. We take pity on you if that was a serious inquiry.

9. Say there’s nothing to do.

In much of the state you can actually do anything you want, but you’re responsible for making your own fun. On second thoughts, you can continue thinking we’re all bored to tears here… but whatever you do, please don’t visit and try to bring your city ways with you.

10. Bring your noise-making machines into our solitude.

Wyoming is unique and beautiful in many ways. We relish the solitude that sits out the back door and we’d prefer to keep tranquil. So if you’re planning to rev up your snowmobiles, motorcycles, boats, and ATVs on public lands, please don’t come to Wyoming to do it.

11. Play something Country in our honor.

Yep, there’s a lot of rural living going on in Wyoming, but that doesn’t mean we all enjoy that clap trap music industry stuff spewing out of Nashville. Do yourself a favor and get to know us a bit before assuming we enjoy the twangy cheese that is corporate ‘Country music’. And by the way, folk and bluegrass are not synonyms for Top 40 Country.

12. Claim our energy economy is the source of global warming.

Until you start charging your smart phone on your own methane releases, I suggest you worship Wyoming for helping to maintain your endless supply of cheap energy. When you live completely off the grid you can proceed to bash our carbon industry, but for now be realistic about your own role as a consumer. Plus, give us some credit for sacrificing our landscapes and wildlife habitats to build wind farms for out of state ‘clean energy initiatives’.

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