1. You’ve burned your pubic hair after a Flaming Sambuca stunt went wrong.
2. Pissed ONLY means drunk, not angry.
3. Bladdered, blotto, lashed, mullered, pickled, pie-eyed, plastered, sloshed, smashed, sozzled, squiffy, wankered, wasted and wasto are just 14 out of 141 ways to say you’re getting pissed (see above).
4. Add “off me trolley” to that list, as well.
5. A piss-up means a party, not actually weeing to defy gravity.
6. Your first hangover, age nine, was cider-induced and you puked all over your mum.
7. But you threw up then carried on drinking, you trooper. And it was your mum who cracked open another can of Scrumpy for you.
8. Faking your DOB on an NUS card was a rite of passage.
9. And then going down the pub instantly became less fun once you turned 18.
10. With age, you’ve learnt that drink choice is based solely on colours (patriotic red, white/transparent and blue) and numbers (%).
11. You swear by the old adage: “Eating’s cheating.”
12. And view those who don’t consume alcohol with suspicion.
13. “You can hold your drink” is the ultimate compliment you can give or receive.
14. The only temperature for a lager, bitter or ale is “warm”.
15. A beer garden is a sanctuary for summer fun and wholesome frolicks, until some twat gets sunburnt, picks a fight, spills some pints, breaks some glasses then vomits on himself.
16. You have to finish a drink even if it tastes like rat’s piss, but looks like a Cosmopolitan.
17. That’s because price is always an issue, and pride’s always at stake.
18. You can open a beer bottle 23 different ways, including with your bum, your armpit and your wonky English teeth (we have charming smiles, innit).
19. You let your stiff upper lip relax when sipping a tipple; if you didn’t, there would be unnecessary waste.
20. A nightcap is not a head garment.
21. Dutch courage? ENGLISH courage!
22. We always buy a round, then take over a table, much like we used to take over other countries.
23. Darts, pool, and quizzes are legitimate sports.
24. Exercise is paramount. Spend all your cash on booze + no money for a taxi = the walk of shame home.
25. A landlord or landlady is the person you give money to for booze, not rent.
26. You frequent your local so often, your salary gets paid straight into the landlord’s bank account.
27. Bald Faced Stag is the name of your local, not an insult.
28. Your kids are called Carling, Stella and Newkie.
29. Your grandchildren are called chardonnay, Pinot grigio and merlot.
30. Your dog’s called Beefer.
31. That’s B for Boozer.
32. Drinking whisky — or indeed any alcohol — from a porcelain teacup is the norm.
33. That’s whisky from Scotland without an ‘e’ — none of that rye bullshit.
34. When you drink Boddingtons, it’s mandatory to wipe your mouth with the back of your hand then say “By ‘eck.”
35. We’re all lords when it comes to getting drunk.
36. Wearing beer goggles is a licence to get off with anything, pulse or otherwise.
37. Wearing a bollard bonnet is the funniest thing in the world, especially after 15 pints of lager.
38. You go out at night without a coat in minus-degree temperatures because queuing up at the cloakroom is a waste of valuable drinking time.
39. Shandy is an acceptable tipple, particularly in summer.
40. So is a lager top.
41. Trampagne is also an acceptable tipple, at any time of the year.
42. It simply isn’t a good night out without an honest, passionate yet slurred declaration of love. And take it seriously: this is as emotional as we English get.
43. It simply isn’t a good night out without balling your eyes out for no apparent reason.
44. Boozy games #1: Minesweeper — locating leftover champagne at weddings.
45. Boozy games #2: Buckaroo — where you place objects on a passed-out drunk and wait for them to buck them off.
46. Boozy games #3: Dance of the Flaming Arseholes is also a fun group activity.
47. The best way to make friends on your first day on a new job is take your colleagues down the pub at lunchtime.
48. The best way to keep friends on your first day on a new job is take your colleagues down the pub after work.
49. You fall asleep cuddling a pint of warm ale.
50. You wake up with an empty pint of warm ale and think you pissed yourself.
51. That’s ‘wee on yourself’ and has nothing to do with parties or getting drunk.
52. Buying a doner kebab — with chips and all the sauces — for the journey home is mandatory.
53. And you know that last night’s doner kebab is a more than an adequate breakfast.