1. Call Utah a “flyover state.”
Seriously? You can’t call us a “flyover state” and then sneak in to use our world-class ski resorts in the winter or our red rock hiking trails in the summer. And never lump us in with the Midwest.
2. Ask us about polygamy.
Polygamy has been illegal in Utah since the 1800s, people. We’re not a mass group of polygamists. And we don’t want to talk to you about Utah until you can: 1. Reference a more current event. 2. Stop watching a drama series on TV about fundamentalist groups you then project onto us. And 3. Come up with a more interesting conversation starter after we say “I’m from Utah.”
3. Make fun of fry sauce.
It’s already tragic we have to mix our own ketchup and mayonnaise together when we’re out of state to create a delicious dip for our fries. At home it’s premixed and ready to buy in bottles on the grocery store shelves. Don’t give us a dirty look when we ask for a side of mayo. And don’t hate on fry sauce before you’ve even tried it.
4. Have an opposing view about the ‘Y’ or the ‘U’.
You either ‘bleed blue’ or ‘bleed red,’ but you have to bleed something. Not having an opinion isn’t socially acceptable. Sorry UVU or USU, there is only BYU and U of U when it comes to opinions about college football. Pick a side, and make sure it’s the right one or you might end up with your garage door spattered with raw eggs or your front lawn spray-painted blue.
5. Fail to have a straightforward address.
In Utah we know how to build streets and we still believe in the reliable grid system. Want to meet at 9th and State Street? What about 500 N and 300 W? Don’t ask us to find a house on a street with an actual name or we’ll need a GPS.
6. Hate on minivans.
It isn’t about style people, it’s about efficiency. We’d like to see you cart around five kids in anything else.
7. Ruin the ski moguls.
Stay off our slopes if you and your snowboard feel like terrorizing our ‘best snow on Earth.’
8. Imply that the government will fix everything.
No matter how varied we are on our personal politics, our skepticism of the government runs deep and has been there since Utah’s founding. We believe in self-sufficiency. If something is broken, we try to fix it ourselves first.
9. Vandalize our national monuments.
There’s nothing that induces rage like hiking in the Canyonlands or trekking to Delicate Arch and seeing ‘A+S’ incased in a crooked heart scratched into our geological masterpieces. Save your crude vandalism for a public restroom.