Going to Hollywood is a mess at the best of times, but everybody knows to avoid it like the plague when the Oscars are going on. But just as the mountain peak called to George Mallory, so too does that juicy Double Double. It’s the one time of the year you’ll find celebrities in Hollywood, so spotting chances skyrocket.
The Lakers finally won a game? Everybody gets tacos! But if you’re going to be in Los Angeles, it’s important to keep your expectations in check. You should thank that guy who knocks your taco ticket out of your hands while he’s high-fiving the guy next to you. He only wants to protect you from the hurt when they lose the next five games in a row.
This is especially fun when watching an old horror film, at which point you become vaguely aware of the possibility of the ghosts rising up with netherworldly fury to critique the failings in their own performances.
Your favorite actor is Jack Nicholson, that’s fine, that’s great. And your hands are the same size as his — that’s fantastic! But that’s not why I’m smiling at you. I’m smiling because I have personally seen every single kind of bodily fluid emptied onto those exact handprints, multiple times, and I know for a fact they don’t get cleaned that well.
For added enjoyment, play the Twilight Concert Series drinking game. Every time you see somebody drop their snacks or spill their wine in the sand, take a shot. If they audibly swear, take two. If you do it yourself, you’ve probably been playing too long and need to get it together.
You’re gonna feel like a smooth motherfucker until you check your bill and realize you just spent $40 for two rum and cokes. At least the view is worth it.
It’s a shadow of its former self since the city decided hordes of costumed drunks reflected poorly on the sporting event and moved it to the middle of the week. But if you’re just visiting, you can bring that spirit back and never answer to a soul.
Every city has its share of great hikes. Only Los Angeles has the kinds of people who would lug a goddamn piano along those hikes. And while the authorities forced the removal of the last piano, nothing would be a better LA experience than to bring another one up. Just because.
The Hotel Café is a small venue in Los Angeles that nevertheless brings in huge quality on a consistent basis. The people that play there inevitably blow up. So check out a show and tell all of your friends you saw them live first. And if you’re trying to make it yourself, maybe just sit in the back and scowl with jealousy. 