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9 New Year’s Resolutions Arizonans Make but Never Keep

by Angela Orlando Jan 4, 2019

Each year Arizonans start out like the rest of the world: with the best of intentions. We’ll work out. We’ll eat better. We’ll reconnect with estranged friends and family. Our success rates with those annual aspirations are probably on par with everyone else’s — mediocre. But because we Arizonans have our peculiarities, our specific resolutions are unique. Here are some of the resolutions we start out with come January 1, and yet seldom really achieve. Oh, well, there’s always 2020.

1. Get that backcountry permit to raft the Canyon.

Of course, it’s already booked up for 2019 so we wait with bated breath for the next cancellation. Which happens, but not this year.

2. Pass on the damned left and move the heck back over.

We vow and re-vow to learn not to obstruct traffic, but we see the semi coming up in the right lane and think, “I might as well hang out here. I’ll pass them eventually.”

3. Eat less Mexican food.

Yes, because that’s going to happen. Maybe fewer times a week would be more realistic.

4. Buy less turquoise.

It’s everywhere and we love it. Decking ourselves out in locally-mined bling is our birthright. But some of us spend as much on it annually as we do our mortgage.

5. Buy a house.

Home prices are just going up, and interest rates, too. Every year, we say the same thing: it’s time. And then the apartment’s air conditioning breaks, and we realize we don’t have to pay for it.

6. Wear sunscreen.

Last summer’s sunburn was the worst ever, so this year we’re finally wearing sunscreen every day. Yeah, right.

7. Drink fewer tequila shots.

You’d think after that one incident with the gila monster we’d know better than to overindulge. Maybe this year we’ll switch to mezcal.

8. Learn how to make tamales.

It’s a serious endeavor but it’s our turn next Christmas, so we should finally learn.

9. Hike the AT.

The 800-mile Arizona Trail is finally complete, so maybe we’ll go north from Mexico to Utah. Or maybe we’ll do it the other way around. But this year we’re doing it, by golly. All of it.

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