It’s that time of the season when we all plan out a list of resolutions for the year ahead of us, but in Wisconsin, our beloved culture makes certain goals almost impossible to achieve. From cutting back on our consumption of cheese to buying fewer knickknacks, here are seven New Year’s resolutions Wisconsinites make but rarely keep.
1. Drink less Miller Lite, old fashioneds, homebrews, and anything else alcoholic.
Wisconsin ranks as one the top 10 states that consume the most alcohol, so drinking less in the Dairy State is a tall order (not to be confused with an order of a PBR tall boy). If it’s not beer, it’s brandy, and if it’s not brewed at the local pub, it’s brewed in your neighbor’s shed. Good luck getting away from alcohol.
2. Cut back on dairy in the hope of losing weight.
It’s way too cold to go for a jog, and our cheese is too delicious not to eat.
3. Spend less time watching the Packers or Brewers.
We’d be much better off if we devoted all the time we spend watching sports exercising or learning something new, but living in Wisconsin without watching the Packers or Brewers games is like drinking a Bloody Mary without a beer chaser. You could do it, but would you really want to?
4. Eat more vegetables, aside from those in your Bloody Mary.
Our favorite foods are brats, cheese curds, and fish fry — we’re not exactly known for our veggie dishes. The best way to stick to this New Year’s resolution is to probably add more celery to your Bloody Mary.
5. Buy fewer knickknacks.
There’s no denying the value of decluttering your home. But if we got rid of our trinkets and stopped buying new ones, how would we decorate for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Halloween, the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, Presidents’ Day, the first day of spring, Valentine’s Day, Earth Day, and Flag Day?
6. Dress more fashionably.
No matter what goals we set ourselves, it’s tough to wear a dress and heels to work when the ground is covered in snow and it’s 14 degrees Fahrenheit outside.
7. Clean out our closets.
We have a dozen T-shirts and jerseys paying homage to Brett and Aaron, not to mention Harley-Davidson tank tops from every state we’ve visited. At the beginning of every year, we think about getting rid of it all, but then we fool ourselves into thinking that we’ll stitch them together into a quilt for the grandchildren at a later date, or frame the jerseys to hang on the wall of a future rec room. The shirts are here to stay.