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17 Things You’ll Never Hear a Wisconsinite Say

by Sarah Puckett Nov 28, 2018

As Wisconsinites, you’ll hear us rave about the Packers’ latest NFL win and we’ll never let you forget that we make America’s best cheese. But there are some statements you will never hear us mutter. Here are 17 things you’ll never hear someone from Wisconsin say.

1. “I don’t like football.”

Wisconsinites love football with an almost religious fervor. Whether it’s the Badgers or the Packers, game days call for red-and-white-striped overalls or giant cheese-shaped hats.

2. “Excuse me, sorry.”

Here we say, “Ope, sorry ‘bout that.”

3. “What’s a brat?”

Brat Fest is not the world’s largest celebration of kids with attitudes. It’s a three-day party in honor of our favorite food — the bratwurst.

4. “Go Vikings!”

This is the fastest way to get yourself kicked out of someone’s house on game day. That said, a real Wisconsinite will always mention the Vikings’ lack of Super Bowl wins.

5. “I wish winter would last longer.”

Our cold, dark winters last from October to March. When the sun finally shines and temperatures rise above freezing, it’s like the whole town has woken up from a deep hibernation. Everyone is outside soaking it in.

6. “Thanks for offering, but no, I don’t want a beer.”

When we have guests over, we offer them a Miller Lite. If they’re from Wisconsin, you bet they’ll crack one or two open with you.

7. “Go Bears!”

This is the second-fastest way to get yourself kicked out of someone’s house on game day.

8. “These cheese curds are too squeaky.”

This is what most outsiders will say when they feel that distinctive glide over their front teeth and hear the squeak that goes along with it. Those in the know are well aware that the squeakier the curd, the fresher it is.

9. “Let’s just have one drink, sit by the lake, and talk.”

No, we’re drinking a case and having a bag tournament by the lake. We love our 15,000 plus lakes, and a competitive day of drinking games on the banks is one of the best ways to enjoy them.

10. “I love soy milk.”

Born and raised on full-fat dairy, most likely from a farm up the road, many Wisconsinites probably haven’t ever tasted soy milk, much less prefer it.

11. “Go Lions!”

Just no.

12. “McDonald’s is better than Culver’s.”

ButterBurgers, cheese curds, and custards — there’s no alternative.

13. “It’s too cold to go ice fishing.”

There are very few things cold weather can stop Wisconsinites from doing. With a heated shack, ideally pimped out with a TV and plenty of space for beer, the cold won’t be a problem.

14. “Where’s the nearest water fountain?”

When we’re thirsty, we find a bubbler.

15. “I don’t know anyone who works at Epic.”

Everyone knows someone who works at Epic. Chances are that your high school valedictorian or college roommate went on to work at the “Intergalactic Headquarters” — with a staff force that outnumbers the population of the town it’s in.

16. “House on the Rock is not weird at all.”

With more shag carpet than you thought still existed, an expansive collection of Santa Claus memorabilia, a carousel of mannequins, and a room with a life-size sculpture of a blue whale, House on the Rock is one of the strangest places you’ve ever been. But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t love it.

17. “It’s Friday — let’s have a salad for dinner!”

You can bet we aren’t frying up broccoli florets. It’s called Friday Fish Fry for a reason. A big cut of fried walleye or perch with an even bigger heap of tartar sauce is what Friday is all about.

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