1. The male comedian
Every month you’ll receive about 10 Facebook invites to his improv shows at IO West. You’ll usually catch him sporting a hip comic logo t-shirt, beard, wild hair, and thick-rimmed glasses. He has always been a fan of Louis C.K., even before it was cool. Do not feel bad if his hellos are quick though — he is probably on his way to print a headshot and resume at Kinkos, before his commercial audition, which he will be bitter about later.
2. The executive
Pedestrians beware. These Angelenos will risk hitting you if it means getting to their meeting at the office more quickly. Don’t be surprised if you also see the executive throwing out a middle finger from inside their black BMW after they’ve pressed the car horn for a solid 10 seconds. Their preferred drink of choice is a well-stirred 180 degree double tall skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks. They are frequently seen west of La Brea.
3. The hipster
Imagine the stylishness of James Bond, and then throw all that out the window. The hipster wears overalls, a tie-dye hat, a man bun, unicorn sunglasses, and combat boots in 90-degree weather, and they’ll still look effortlessly cool. Although you can spot them all over the city, their home base is Silverlake, where they’ll probably be checking out the hottest local band you’ve never heard of. If you want to keep in touch, follow them on Instagram, where their photos feature obscure street art, filters, and random action shots from their backpacking retreat in India.
4. The wannabe
This person may or may not be successful in the entertainment industry, but you can be sure they will pretend to be. They love to name drop their celebrity friend from that CW show. You may recognize The Wannabe from a reality TV show they did back in the 2000s, and in that case, they’ll insist on taking a photo together. You can usually find them wearing too much makeup or cologne, so your recommended distance is standing a minimum of 3 feet away. If you are prone to insecurities, do not follow this one on Instagram, where their feed consists of minimally-clothed shots in the locker room at Equinox.
5. The Yogi
After a session at Core Power Yoga, you’ll see this gal rocking flip flops, Lululemon pants, a matching tank top, and a ponytail as she heads over to Urth Cafe to meet her friend for an organic juice smoothie. There’s a good chance she lives in Santa Monica with her boyfriend, Brock, the social media millionaire, so you may not get to see her as often as you’d like since that 405 freeway traffic can be brutal. When not in yoga class or at Urth Cafe, she can be frequently spotted in the vegetable section at Whole Foods — or showing off her new yoga mat to an unwitting stranger in the check-out line.
6. The native
They have become accustomed to the look of surprise upon revealing that they were actually born and raised in Los Angeles. The native is a phenomenon most non-locals don’t think actually exists. The good news is that this is the nicest type of Angeleno you will meet. Because they are from here, they don’t feel the need to overcompensate. General field of work tends to be anything not related to the entertainment industry. Do not even think of saying a negative thing about the Dodgers in their presence.
7. The princess
She is a mystery. You scratch your head wondering how this 23-year old who works 20 hours a week at the Gap at Hollywood & Highland manages to live in a Beverly Hills apartment. She brunches every Sunday before hitting up the Melrose Trading Post at Fairfax High School. How is this possible? She moved out to LA two years ago from Texas, and her parents pay for her rent and her Prius. She is most likely an actress but could also be going into fashion. Catch her while you can though, because she’s probably heading to Vegas for the weekend.
8. The man-child
He is approaching middle age, yet he acts like he’s 24. He is the reason women are bitter about dating in LA. He is too old to be using the term ‘bro’, and he somehow manages to date 20-year-old model/actresses while barely making ends meet. He was probably a nerd in high school and is now making up for lost time. He has such a fear of commitment, he has been known to literally ask women if they’re open to a booty call situation. The likely career fields for this guy include editor, social media marketing, bartender, mildly-successful actor, stand-up comedian, and musician.
9. The nice celebrity
It’s your childhood hero in the flesh. You get to tell her how much her work has meant to you and inspired you over the years, all while she is sweetly holding your hand and smiling as if you’re talking to a dear relative at Thanksgiving. This is the kind of celebrity encounter we all dream of, and it’s happening to you. You should consider yourself lucky since not everyone has the opportunity to see a famous person during a visit to LA. This actress has been working in the business for 30 years, and she appreciates each and every one of her fans. Don’t forget to share that photo on Facebook. Your high school nemesis will be so jealous!
10. The mean celebrity
They’re 25, beautiful, and have millions of followers on their social media. If only they were as approachable as they pretend to be. You’ve just spotted this one from that YouTube show with a bunch of other beautiful twenty-somethings outside of Gelson’s Market in Franklin Village. Now is your chance to say hello. Unfortunately, this celebrity isn’t having that. You get a cold hello, while Snobby-McSnobberson keeps her sunglasses on, and behaves as though a fan asking for a photo is the equivalent of a root canal. In most cases, they’ll bottom out in about 5 years when they’ll be spotted in Hollywood nightclubs with the cast of The Jersey Shore.
11. The screenwriter
It’s 5:00 am and this person is already at Coffee Bean on the laptop. Do they sleep? To be honest, no one is quite sure. They had a hit film in the 90s and ever since has been trying to stage an epic comeback. They are usually wearing an understated baseball cap, glasses, and basic, neutral-colored clothing. Don’t be offended if they don’t say much, since they are pretty shy to begin with. To supplement income, they also moonlight as a Lyft driver, where they’ll gladly give you a copy of their script to read if you show any interest.
12. The Scientologist
Probably the most feared in all of La La Land — the Scientologist is just as intimidating as you’ve heard. They are frequently seen around Hollywood, either at Celebrity Centre in Franklin Village or on Hollywood Blvd. dressed as door-to-door salesmen handing out flyers to unsuspecting tourists. Do not let your love of Top Gun lure you into going inside their lair, for once you are in, they will try to keep you there as long as possible. Some suggested tips for encountering a Scientologist include: saying you have no money, pretending to not understand English, and simply screaming and running away.