1. 305 is the magic number.
Miami is not Lincoln Road or Ocean Drive; you’re talking about South Beach, as in Miami Beach. If the area code is anything other than 305, you are not in our Magic City.
2. Guayaberas will forever be in style.
These linen or cotton shirts make the heat tolerable. Enough said.
3. We are not all Cuban.
Sure, we have a large population of Cubanos and then there’s Little Havana, but Miami is home to a lot of different ethnic groups.
4. Nor do we all speak Spanish.
Or English. Some of us speak Russian, French Creole, Hebrew, or Portuguese to name a few. Take your pick, because there is plenty to choose from.
5. Don’t worry, our menus come in different languages.
Why? Because our city caters to millions of overnight visitors every year, most of them being international. After all, we are one of the top sought-after business and vacation destinations in the world.
6. Never eat Mexican food in Miami.
No, just no. Mexicans are a minority here. You want Cuban, Haitian, or Peruvian food? We are your city. However, when you ask us where you can get some killer tacos, we are sending you to Homestead.
7. The Cuban sandwich is our pride and glory.
The pork is slow-roasted with a blend of Cuban spices, then slapped on a well-buttered loaf with ham, pickles and Swiss cheese. Eating it hot off the sandwich press is a must. And never mention Tampa and our sacred sandwich in the same sentence. We have an ongoing feud on who does it better.
8. No, we didn’t realize the Everglades were our backyard.
It only covers most of South Florida, is a World Heritage Site and an International Biosphere Reserve. And we definitely have never been on that Everglades Tour. Cough.
9. We are also home to Biscayne National Park.
Not only does it protect Miami’s mangrove forests, it also protects the Florida Keys and helps preserve our history.
10. Speaking of which, weekend trips to the Keys are the norm.
So is taking the ferry to Grand Bahama for the day. We are known as the “Cruise Capital of the World” for a reason.
11. Traffic laws are non-existent.
Pedestrians jaywalk because they can and drivers stop for no one.
12. Including first responders.
Not all of us are guilty of this, but it is not a rare occurrence. It’s like playing a game of Russian Roulette. You never know who is going to bite that bullet.
13. Café Cubano is a must.
Cuban coffee is a drink to be worshiped.
14. You need to add a pastelito with that.
A guava pastry. Why? Because that’s how we do it.
15. But remember, no one is really from Miami.
And that is the reality of living in Miami. Most people migrate to the area’s surrounding cities.
16. Yes, we do realize it is hot and uncomfortably humid here.
Summers are like living in a sauna; you sweat in places you never thought possible.
17. You will encounter nude bathers at Haulover Beach.
That’s right, according to the Travel Channel, we are home to one of the best nude beaches in the world. We’re in Miami bitch.
18. Anything below 70F warrants a trip to the nearest department store.
It’s time to whip out the hats, heavy jackets, and boots. No judgment please.
19. Umbrellas are a necessity.
Brace yourself because you’ll be enjoying a sunny day, not a cloud in sight, when suddenly it starts to rain. And it doesn’t just happen once, it comes and goes as it pleases. But hey, that’s the subtropics for you.
20. Also, the lightning here is no joke.
Forget about the massive flooding and approaching hurricanes! It’s the lightning we fear and for good reason.