How to piss off a German

By Paul Sullivan On January 16, 2012 · 436 Comments

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Paul Sullivan shows you how to really piss off your German friends without even mentioning the war.

BEFORE YOU READ ON, know that I am genuinely fond of Germans and Germany. For the last three years I have lived in Berlin. I have German friends and deal with German people on a daily basis. My experiences here have been overwhelmingly positive, but you don’t live in a place this long without learning a few things. Here, then, are some surefire ways to upset a German person, should you need to….

Cross at a red light (with small children)

The simplest and best way to provoke some classic Teutonic anger is to meander across the road when the light is showing red. You’ll be risking a fine for jaywalking and you may even be mowed down by a speeding vehicle, but it’s worth it to witness the expressions awaiting you on the other side of the road. Elderly, hunched women, beefy tattooed workmen in overalls, sensible parents authoritatively clutching their young children – all united in their righteous mix of incomprehension, disgust and outrage. For maximum impact, skip across the street with a couple of small children, whistling cheerfully as you go.

Stare back at them using binoculars

If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time. In places like the UK and the USA, staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time can get you yelled at, punched or even killed. In Germany, staring openly is something that just happens – like breathing, walking or developing a long and unnecessarily complex vocabulary (see below). People here don’t just stare at you, they stare through you, mostly through genuine curiosity but sometimes critically (it’s no coincidence that the most intense surveillance apparatus in European history, the Stasi, occurred in East Germany). Staring back only creates a stand-off which no one can win, so the best counter-attack is to use the element of surprise: whip out a pair of small binoculars and return eye contact at close range. Failing that, ask loudly (through a megaphone if you can find one) if they’d care to take a photograph.

If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time

Use fancy English words they don’t understand

Most Germans (of a certain age) speak very good English, which makes them slightly smug, especially when only three non-natives in the history of the world have ever been able to master German. This is mainly because many German words, as Mark Twain once noted, are “so long that they have a perspective.” One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”. The longest word in English, Antidisestablishmentarianism, is pathetic in comparison, so a long-word battle isn’t going to work. Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace. This method is guaranteed to replace the smugness on your companion’s face with something way more anxious.

Urinate standing up

This one is for men (obviously) and is based on a subtle cultural anomaly in Germany where men tend to pee sitting down. There’s even a name for men who do this: sitzpinklers; those who insist on standing — and therefore spraying, maintain the (mostly female) critics — are called stehpinklers. This is not a massively advertised national trait and applies mostly to domestic situations; even the most house-trained German men don’t wee sitting down in clubs or public toilets. But it’s a very real phenomenon and you may well find pro-sitzpinkler stickers adorning lavatories. So in order to be ultra-annoying, you need only (literally) stand up for your male rights.

Say you don’t like asparagus, especially if it’s white

Germans are – there’s no other way to put this – absolutely, uncontrollably cuckoo-crazy about asparagus (spargel). It’s been dubbed the ‘vegetable of kings’ and ‘edible ivory’. What’s more, it’s not the usual green variety they obsess over, but white asparagus, which the rest of the world generally regards with suspicion. More of the stuff is eaten in Germany than anywhere else in the world except Switzerland. From the end of April to the end of June they literally eat nothing else, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Normally sensible restaurants transform their menus into a list of asparagus recipes, wooden huts pop up at roadsides, and public toilets absolutely reek of the stuff. While Germans are generally not known to spend large amounts of money on food, they’d sell their own grandmothers to land them some-o’-that ‘White Gold’. So if you are ever invited for dinner during asparagus season, advising them you are not a fan of the stuff, “especially the tasteless white version,” will guarantee you instant enmity, if not a good kicking and deportation.

As Mark Twain once noted, “Some German words are so long that they have a perspective.”

Recycle erroneously

Germans were busy recycling things back when most of us were still learning how to use our opposable thumbs. Hence their recycling infrastructure, refined over various millennia, has very strict rules involving colored bins for different forms of rubbish (plastic, tin, food etc.) and a veritable army of binmen rumbling about the place. As well as the recycling systems that are inherently part of each household, you’ll also find large green, white and brown containers on the street, which are used for correspondingly colored glass bottles. To irk a decent segment of any local neighbourhood or town, simply rock up to these containers with a trolley full of bottles and start placing them in the wrong units. Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage, as old men with sticks and pony-tailed schoolgirls alike sprint from their houses and hang from their windows to shake their fists at your stupidity and ignorance.

Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One

Asking a German person if they know Dinner For One is a guaranteed way to make their eyes light up. The film is about a bonkers aristocrat (Miss Sophie) who celebrates her 90th birthday with friends who, given they’ve all died off, are imaginary. Her butler, James, comically fills in for each of them, mimicking their voices, drinking their toasts in turn and getting steadily more sloshed. It’s been shown every New Year’s Eve in Germany since the early 70s and is nothing short of a national institution. When your acquaintance, hours later, is done enthusing and quoting, quietly point out to them that, despite holding a Guinness Record for the most aired TV program in history, Dinner For One has never, ever been screened in Britain or the States, and only a few times in Australia.

Set your alarm and grab the sun loungers first

Yep – you can even annoy Germans outside their own country. Vacationing Deutsch folk are notorious worldwide for their lounger-bagging. So much so, that in 2009, Thomas Cook set up a booking service to help Germans bag their loungers before they’d even boarded the plane. For maximum vexation, set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers with towels. (Extra points if the towels are imprinted with a Union Jack).

About The Author

Paul Sullivan

Paul Sullivan has been a freelance writer and photographer since 2000. Operating primarily in the realm of music, travel, lifestyle, and culture, his work has taken him around the world. His work has appeared in/on the BBC, Dazed and Confused, DrownedInSound, Electronic Beats, The Face, The Guardian, DJ, Intelligent Life, iDJ, fRoots, The Independent, Observer Music Monthly, National Geographic Music, Time Out, Wax Poetics, The Wire, and others. He currently lives in Berlin.

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Michelle Schusterman

Hilarious! Adding both circumbilivagination and sitzpinkler to my vocabulary.
http://www.groundedtraveler.com Andrew

Add the following… Close all windows in the winter and do not open them before spring. Germans refuse to stay in any room that has not been properly Entlüftet. This involves opening the window for 5-10 minutes the moment the chill is gone from the air from the last time it was opened.

Add this to the Sitzpinkel idea where there are bathrooms without heat or closed windows. It is a cold place to sit especially when you are not used to it.

http://www.facebook.com/writerren Renae Rost Gregoire

Ah, then it is my heritage that explains why I loathe stuffy, warm rooms! Thanks for sharing

TheSaintMunich

Alas, I must admit, when someone talks of a Durchzug, I am the first to close the window to make sure that a train does not come rumbling through…

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=642250038 Jules O’ Meingott

when someone in IReland talks about “Draft” i tend to get out my pint glass…

TheSaintMunich

Nice.
TheSaintMunich

Nice.
TheSaintMunich

Nice.
TheSaintMunich

Nice.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606042425 Thorsten Kahlert

I hear you. Draft in Irish homes is a standard built-in feature, hence the little peep-holes commonly referred to as windows.

Another German Guest

HaHa – I think it’s “gelüftet” but sooo true! And there’s an easy explanation for the idea of Sitzpinkeln – we German women like for men to share the experience of having to sit on a freezing cold toilet seat )

Candice Walsh

This is absolutely hysterical. ”
One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means ‘No’.”

Googled ”
circumbilivagination.” Not what I thought it was. Slightly relieved.
Candice Walsh

This is absolutely hysterical. ”
One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means ‘No’.”

Googled ”
circumbilivagination.” Not what I thought it was. Slightly relieved.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Seth-Barham/1008496761 Seth Barham

A lot of these are the same for Swedes…especially the staring, disobeying traffic laws, and recycling. I think only a German enjoys rules more than a Swede.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Seth-Barham/1008496761 Seth Barham

A lot of these are the same for Swedes…especially the staring, disobeying traffic laws, and recycling. I think only a German enjoys rules more than a Swede.
Andrew in Bonn

I had a falsche recycling incident only this morning, but I think I got away with it!

TheSaintMunich

REBEL!

hints:

1) if someone complains about paper recycling that you did not remove tape, metal, etc. – tell them the BVSE (bundesverband für sekondär rohstoffe) allows for 1pct (by weight) of non paper materials. sure, paper mills are not thrilled about your pizza cheese, or tape, but give them the 1 pct finger. You are giving away raw materials and may feel you are doing something for the environment but the reality is that they are making a profit off it and shipping it overseas (likely China) as there are hardly any paper mills in Germany that use those low-end recycled grades. But I digress.

2) recycled bottles all get mixed in together afterwards, anyway.
TheSaintMunich

REBEL!

hints:

1) if someone complains about paper recycling that you did not remove tape, metal, etc. – tell them the BVSE (bundesverband für sekondär rohstoffe) allows for 1pct (by weight) of non paper materials. sure, paper mills are not thrilled about your pizza cheese, or tape, but give them the 1 pct finger. You are giving away raw materials and may feel you are doing something for the environment but the reality is that they are making a profit off it and shipping it overseas (likely China) as there are hardly any paper mills in Germany that use those low-end recycled grades. But I digress.

2) recycled bottles all get mixed in together afterwards, anyway.
TheSaintMunich

REBEL!

hints:

1) if someone complains about paper recycling that you did not remove tape, metal, etc. – tell them the BVSE (bundesverband für sekondär rohstoffe) allows for 1pct (by weight) of non paper materials. sure, paper mills are not thrilled about your pizza cheese, or tape, but give them the 1 pct finger. You are giving away raw materials and may feel you are doing something for the environment but the reality is that they are making a profit off it and shipping it overseas (likely China) as there are hardly any paper mills in Germany that use those low-end recycled grades. But I digress.

2) recycled bottles all get mixed in together afterwards, anyway.
TheSaintMunich

REBEL!

hints:

1) if someone complains about paper recycling that you did not remove tape, metal, etc. – tell them the BVSE (bundesverband für sekondär rohstoffe) allows for 1pct (by weight) of non paper materials. sure, paper mills are not thrilled about your pizza cheese, or tape, but give them the 1 pct finger. You are giving away raw materials and may feel you are doing something for the environment but the reality is that they are making a profit off it and shipping it overseas (likely China) as there are hardly any paper mills in Germany that use those low-end recycled grades. But I digress.

2) recycled bottles all get mixed in together afterwards, anyway.
TheSaintMunich

REBEL!

hints:

1) if someone complains about paper recycling that you did not remove tape, metal, etc. – tell them the BVSE (bundesverband für sekondär rohstoffe) allows for 1pct (by weight) of non paper materials. sure, paper mills are not thrilled about your pizza cheese, or tape, but give them the 1 pct finger. You are giving away raw materials and may feel you are doing something for the environment but the reality is that they are making a profit off it and shipping it overseas (likely China) as there are hardly any paper mills in Germany that use those low-end recycled grades. But I digress.

2) recycled bottles all get mixed in together afterwards, anyway.

goodqualityisavirtue

what a bunch of cliché bullshit
http://www.facebook.com/jamesglazebrook James Glazebrook

I love a good Sitzpinkel, especially in Spargel season!

Too true, too funny, and we too have noticed the staring thing in our first year of living in Berlin: http://www.uberlin.co.uk/a-year-in-berlin-%E2%80%93-five-things-we%E2%80%99ve-learned/
http://www.wollmilchsau.de/ Tobias Kärcher

All true! Makes me angry even reading!
Madlen

I am German and I hate asparagus.
Fred

How to piss off a Englishman?

Mention the four
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA9q2O9dTtQ

http://www.facebook.com/corporalcave Christopher Caddell

Not really our footballers are a bunch of overpaid ninnies and we can always point to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ0uIKjommQ

Mr G

but every german knows, that this was a once in a lifetime game…

TheSaintMunich

I am pleased that the discussion has turned to soccer.
TheSaintMunich

I am pleased that the discussion has turned to soccer.

Marc

Haha, awesome. We germans are such a pain in the ass.
http://www.frockazine.com/ Kat

t5hat’s exactly why you have to love the Germans
Levelord

“get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers
with towels. (Extra points if the towels are imprinted with a Union
Jack).”

Love this one! But make sure you really do it in the middle of the night! By 6 o’clock in the morning you will be too late!
http://www.chasingheartbeats.blogspot.com Ashley Ludaescher

this makes me want to carry my binoculars around with me… usually I just stare back with a “what the hell are you looking at?” look, but most of the time the stare-er keeps on staring. oh how I love the deutsch
http://www.chasingheartbeats.blogspot.com Ashley Ludaescher

this makes me want to carry my binoculars around with me… usually I just stare back with a “what the hell are you looking at?” look, but most of the time the stare-er keeps on staring. oh how I love the deutsch
German

Witzig, zeigt aber nur, wie hoch entwickelt die europäische Kultur auf dem Festland ist, während die britische Intellektuelle noch in in den 80ern verweilt…

How you really pissed off a german:
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/16/lse-students-in-nazi-drinking-game-brawl_n_1208324.html

TheSaintMunich

The reality is that some idiot got upset about it. Realizing that the English (disclosure: I am American) perhaps still use the term Nazi out of context is a problem Ze Djermans will have to deal with for a few years, but the guys involved showed a lack of social skills by letting themselves get into a fight. seriously, who cares?
TheSaintMunich

The reality is that some idiot got upset about it. Realizing that the English (disclosure: I am American) perhaps still use the term Nazi out of context is a problem Ze Djermans will have to deal with for a few years, but the guys involved showed a lack of social skills by letting themselves get into a fight. seriously, who cares?

http://www.facebook.com/alexander.ebel1 Alexander Ebel

Last not least: Write an article like that.
http://www.gapdaemon.com Nadia | Gap Daemon

The first time I went to Germany I was BAFFLED by the red light thing – it really does bother the hell out of Germans (huge generalisation here, but true!) if you cross an empty road at a red light.
http://www.romanofski.de/ Roman

Mahahaha – great read
http://twitter.com/MDowideit Martin Dowideit

I am German, I don’t like aspargus. And when it is aspargus season and you say no to the waiter if you are handed over the special aspargus menu he will stare at you with disgust.
Guest1

How to bore your reader with stereotypes…
Cait

What a lame article. Try harder. :3
Cait

What a lame article. Try harder. :3
Bjørn Scarfield

Perhaps not a long way from Germany, but in Norway the Dinner for One is a Christmas tradition. In 2004, a survey done by Get, then UPC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_AS) showed that 7 out of 10 (68,3%) Norwegians “have to” see that show every December 23rd. It’s shown on the Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation channel…
Bjørn Scarfield

Perhaps not a long way from Germany, but in Norway the Dinner for One is a Christmas tradition. In 2004, a survey done by Get, then UPC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_AS) showed that 7 out of 10 (68,3%) Norwegians “have to” see that show every December 23rd. It’s shown on the Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation channel…
Clare Cosgrove

ROTFLMAO . I bare witness to this!! British lass trapped in NRW for over 14 years!! Thanks for putting in words!! LOL
Clare Cosgrove

ROTFLMAO . I bare witness to this!! British lass trapped in NRW for over 14 years!! Thanks for putting in words!! LOL
Derzwen

this is brilliant.
greetings from germany
Derzwen

this is brilliant.
greetings from germany
Derzwen

this is brilliant.
greetings from germany
Stephie

“Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage”
….Haha, one thing I have to mention: In Germany, it’s not allowed to recycle glass bottles on sunday
Stephie

“Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage”
….Haha, one thing I have to mention: In Germany, it’s not allowed to recycle glass bottles on sunday

Thomas M. Lange

I remember that too, or wash a car…..;o)

Sorcha Murphy

it gets worse: in most cities washing your car in your drive way or on the street (i.e. flushing the waste water in the public drains) is no longer allowed (oil/lead etc. pollution)
How do they survive? And they cycle on cyle paths and even have traffic lights for cyclists. Groan. And – god help them – the public transport! Safe, on time, affordable! What next? World domination???

Grande

Nah, we tried the world domination thing… that didn’t work out at all…
Grande

Nah, we tried the world domination thing… that didn’t work out at all…

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=642250038 Jules O’ Meingott

Ixiter

tz .. Inselaffen … machen Gesetze um auf der falschen Straßenseite zu fahren, essen gleich nach dem Aufstehen zu Mittag, und haben Orte mit Namen wie “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”.

Achja .. und sie tun Zucker auf Tomaten und Essig auf die Pommes *Gesicht verzieh*

Craig

Haha, aber kommt schon… LlanfairPG ist Welsh, nicht alle die Britte ist die glaiche, tut mir lied fuer meine Detsch aber mindestens ich vesuchsmal.
Und essig auf pommes ist lecker!
Abe

Oh, look, somebody is already pissed
Abe

Oh, look, somebody is already pissed

Alain

As a german I have to say: RIGHT!
C Mc

Thank you, thank you, thank you – I am still recovering from my laughing fit.
C Mc

Thank you, thank you, thank you – I am still recovering from my laughing fit.
Michael

not pissed off at all i think its normal that each country has his positive and negative attitudes and you should laugh about them
Olsen

Two small additions:

1. Aspargus needs to be drowned in ludicrous amounts of Sauce Hollandaise at all times. Even if it’s the cheapest shit the local store has to offer, everyone will go “yummy!”.

2. “Dinner For One” is our “The Sound Of Music”. Deal with it!

TheSaintMunich

…. these are a few of my favorite things.

Dimitris

I have to agree wtih Dinner For One. A German friend could absolutely not believe that I had never seen it! It is funny though:
Markosekulla

that’s a second league article with a nom of reseach bugs
Markosekulla

that’s a second league article with a nom of reseach bugs
GermanGuest

wow, everybody who is really pissed off by this article, go and check your life. greets, a german

kate

and …. with his uneducated insight. 3 Years… must have been walking around with his eyes closed.

Kathy

With his blinders firmly in place, he deserves to get whacked by a car crossing on red. He seems to have identified some anomalies only foreigners notice and got stuck! I lived in Berlin for 21 years and just returned to Minneapolis where the recycling is just as intense. Like escargot, Spargel is an acquired taste, which this article lacks entirely. Too bad! He will just move on to another place and after 3 years write the same article that attempts humor. Berlin is gorgeous, sly, funky, slate grey for months, in your face, and cozy in the rain, rude, generous, has endless beaches, and is completely outrageous–all simultaneously. It’s an endless feast, but he missed the main course. Stupidity over ”sit or stand” pisses me off!

Abs

Take a chill pill. it’s just humour!
Herr.Boo

Endless beaches? Berlin? really? do you know what endless means?
do you know what beach mean?

Frg

Do you know what “Wannsee” means?
Berliner

Berlin has no beaches in the meaning of Bondi Beach, but come to Berlin (in summer) and look for places like http://www.strandbar-mitte.de or http://www.arena-berlin.de/badeschiff.aspx or http://www.bar25.de
And (un)countable others

By the way, my favourite german word:
Fussballweltmeisterschaftsendrundenfinalteilnehmer
Starry

Bar 25 closed a year ago, Strandbar isn’t a beach, but rather a bar in a Mitte street and Badeschiff is a jetty packed with proles in summer. What the other comment means is Wannsee, Müggelsee etc etc. It does have countless beaches, yes!
This piece is well written& funny but the author has obviously not been here that long. What about messing with the germans appalling pavement etiquette? Don’t move out of the way of a German coming towards you and watch him fume!!!
Berliner

Berlin has no beaches in the meaning of Bondi Beach, but come to Berlin (in summer) and look for places like http://www.strandbar-mitte.de or http://www.arena-berlin.de/badeschiff.aspx or http://www.bar25.de
And (un)countable others

By the way, my favourite german word:
Fussballweltmeisterschaftsendrundenfinalteilnehmer
Berliner

Berlin has no beaches in the meaning of Bondi Beach, but come to Berlin (in summer) and look for places like http://www.strandbar-mitte.de or http://www.arena-berlin.de/badeschiff.aspx or http://www.bar25.de
And (un)countable others

By the way, my favourite german word:
Fussballweltmeisterschaftsendrundenfinalteilnehmer
Flamenco2

Friend, there are over 3000 lakes in and around Berlin…most of them have sand on the banks…the bigger ones are similar to sea.

Mr. Paul’s article with 3 years of roaming around Berlin chimes with visitors who come to Germany for a week or two…It unfortunately does not chime fully with either Germans or non natives with long German experience.

Crossing red with kids with get you in more trouble in London than in Berlin!!!

Peace.
Dade

Probably meant “bitches”.
Dolph

The beaches of the Wannensee!

Herr.Boo

Endless beaches? Berlin? really? do you know what endless means?
do you know what beach mean?
Kyle

You’ve missed the point. It’s just a light-hearted article. It’s not exactly critical essay on German culture, nor is it criticising Berlin. He also isn’t trying to ‘sell’ Berlin, so why you’re miffed that he hasn’t described Germany’s capital in any way, I don’t know. Read the first paragraph of the article again and you’ll see that the author in fact enjoys his time in Berlin and you’ll see what the point of the article is. Why be so defensive anyway? It’s not like he was saying all Germans are Nazis…

I myself have been living in Berlin for just over two years now, and was in Freiburg for a year before that so it was interesting to read the article. I can’t say I’ve seen all of these trends, but he has a point with some of them. I only just found out about Dinner for One this last Silvester to the shock of most Germans I know. Das Sitzpinkeln und das Starren hat mir noch nicht aufgefallen.
Kyle

You’ve missed the point. It’s just a light-hearted article. It’s not exactly critical essay on German culture, nor is it criticising Berlin. He also isn’t trying to ‘sell’ Berlin, so why you’re miffed that he hasn’t described Germany’s capital in any way, I don’t know. Read the first paragraph of the article again and you’ll see that the author in fact enjoys his time in Berlin and you’ll see what the point of the article is. Why be so defensive anyway? It’s not like he was saying all Germans are Nazis…

I myself have been living in Berlin for just over two years now, and was in Freiburg for a year before that so it was interesting to read the article. I can’t say I’ve seen all of these trends, but he has a point with some of them. I only just found out about Dinner for One this last Silvester to the shock of most Germans I know. Das Sitzpinkeln und das Starren hat mir noch nicht aufgefallen.

Kyle

*ist mir nocht nicht aufgefallen.
B6691045

* noch

Kyle

You’ve missed the point. It’s just a light-hearted article. It’s not exactly critical essay on German culture, nor is it criticising Berlin. He also isn’t trying to ‘sell’ Berlin, so why you’re miffed that he hasn’t described Germany’s capital in any way, I don’t know. Read the first paragraph of the article again and you’ll see that the author in fact enjoys his time in Berlin and you’ll see what the point of the article is. Why be so defensive anyway? It’s not like he was saying all Germans are Nazis…

I myself have been living in Berlin for just over two years now, and was in Freiburg for a year before that so it was interesting to read the article. I can’t say I’ve seen all of these trends, but he has a point with some of them. I only just found out about Dinner for One this last Silvester to the shock of most Germans I know. Das Sitzpinkeln und das Starren hat mir noch nicht aufgefallen.
http://twitter.com/random_soul Jen

I think you completely misunderstood this article.
Boz

Well done Kathy, for being a whiny, complainy German and proving a point.
Helen

Poor you Kathy. No comments to your lack of humor
Haha

Americans…
Steve

Lighten up. This isn’t an anthropological research and is by no means dissing Berlin, Germany or Germans the way you suggest it does. Maybe this article should be retitled to “how to piss off people who take everything literally, think their personal experience is what matters and lack the ability to chill”.
Sporty_lady

Come on Kate, obviously you are lacking a sense of humor if you really take the article that seriously! It IS funny and its true! Exaggerated, but true!
Another German Guest

Oh dear – I reckon it’s people like you who can’t stomach a bit of light-hearted fun-poking that have turned the world into a veritable bed of eggshells everyone has to walk on lest they find themselves in court being sued. Good heavens, lighten up a bit. The truth is the author recognises he’s playing on stereotypes but at the same time stereotypes tend to evolve because there’s that granule of truth to them. He’s not judging anyone, he’s having a bit of fun with some of the habits.
KörlyWörly

I am German and really liked the article. Although some is exaggerated there is still some truth in it…Can’t understand your anger…and didn’t the author mention that he loves Berlin too????

http://www.facebook.com/winterer Andreas Winterer

Sometimes wrong, but very funny.
Germanator

try parking your car in the wrong direction..
Germanator

try parking your car in the wrong direction..
Germanator

try parking your car in the wrong direction..
Germanator

try parking your car in the wrong direction..

TheSaintMunich

… or on the sidewalk.
TheSaintMunich

… or on the sidewalk.

http://www.facebook.com/frank.kemper Frank Kemper

Some things in this article are really well put, while others, which really drive Germans crazy, did not catch the attention of the author. For example: Germans hate people who ignore queuing (British do hate them either, I suppose). The mentioned super-long word ”
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” is slightly an unfair choice. First of all, this word does not exist, second, it is by far not the shortest word in the dictionary (I doubt that it can be found in any dictionary at all). One of the shortest german words is “ja”, which, by chance, is one letter shorter than its english translation “yes”. This word pretends to be the name of a law. Even those Germans who do understand English fairly well, are unable to cope with any ordinary legal text written in english. Usually we even fail to understand what our lawyers write and say in something they think is german language.

bhrgero

woooooooooooosh.

http://www.facebook.com/frank.kemper Frank Kemper

Some things in this article are really well put, while others, which really drive Germans crazy, did not catch the attention of the author. For example: Germans hate people who ignore queuing (British do hate them either, I suppose). The mentioned super-long word ”
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” is slightly an unfair choice. First of all, this word does not exist, second, it is by far not the shortest word in the dictionary (I doubt that it can be found in any dictionary at all). One of the shortest german words is “ja”, which, by chance, is one letter shorter than its english translation “yes”. This word pretends to be the name of a law. Even those Germans who do understand English fairly well, are unable to cope with any ordinary legal text written in english. Usually we even fail to understand what our lawyers write and say in something they think is german language.
Drerwin

Very nice and funny! Thanks for that.
Drerwin

Very nice and funny! Thanks for that.
Ze Brot fromm ze German

To prove your point in utter smugness of Germans regarding the German language: The plural of “Stehpinkler” is not “stehpinklers”, but also “Stehpinkler”. Singular: Der Stehpinkler. Plural: Die Stehpinkler. Singular: Der Sitzpinkler. Plural: Die Sitzpinkler. It’s like sheep in English, where the plural isn’t sheeps but also sheep. Oh,and don’t forget the notorious “Groß- und Kleinschreibung”, because we spell ev-e-ry noun with a capital letter…… . However, I have a tip for any smug native speaker: Try to learn Russian, that humbles the crap out of you……
Besides that, you’re exactly right with everything you said. Point one in partcular. I can’t recount the number of times I got flayed visually only for walking over the street when the light was red…..
Ze Brot fromm ze German

To prove your point in utter smugness of Germans regarding the German language: The plural of “Stehpinkler” is not “stehpinklers”, but also “Stehpinkler”. Singular: Der Stehpinkler. Plural: Die Stehpinkler. Singular: Der Sitzpinkler. Plural: Die Sitzpinkler. It’s like sheep in English, where the plural isn’t sheeps but also sheep. Oh,and don’t forget the notorious “Groß- und Kleinschreibung”, because we spell ev-e-ry noun with a capital letter…… . However, I have a tip for any smug native speaker: Try to learn Russian, that humbles the crap out of you……
Besides that, you’re exactly right with everything you said. Point one in partcular. I can’t recount the number of times I got flayed visually only for walking over the street when the light was red…..
Another German

obvious german quote below humor is our biggest enemy great article… loved it!
Freiherr von Zitzewitz

Achtung! Gestapo and Stasi are watching you now! Jawoll! They will force you to eat Sauerkraut und Spargel the whole day for this provocation! Wegtreten!
Tanya Markham

Just so you know, Dinner For One gets shown every New Years Eve in Australia… It’s a tradition for my family to watch it, just as it was when I was a child, and it was for my husband when he was a child, too
Anonymous

Haha thanks for the laugh!
Pretty much fits to what it really is like here in fkn Germany.
Especially had to laugh about the Olympic one

Heard that Germans are the least funniest ppl on earth… the comments below seem to prove this :/ Quite embarrassing to be part of this nation.
http://twitter.com/LennStar_de LennStar

Dinner for one has also several modern remakes, but the only real one is the original with the laughing woman!

btw: I don’t like asparagus.
We are amused

Nicely done, Paul! Sweet and entertaining … bonus points for pointing out Australian Dinner For One screenings and the lovely word epalpebrate.
Thomas Stoesser

Haha, awesome article. Made my day. – One of the Germanz
Karl Ranseier

*gaehn*
Wenn pfuschen und nichts richtig machen wollen olympisch waere….
Ich glaube, dieser Artikel waere des Goldes wuerdig

Sitzpinkler = Weichei…
Saul PulliVan

To piss of someone is your goal? ridiculous

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

Not at all! You’ve read the title too literally. But you must have a decent sense of humor to spoonerize my name so imaginatively…

Thomas M. Lange

Yes, it’s all true and the reason of the many reasons fled from it as soon as I could and surely never will return, not even dead!

Thomas M. Lange

???? no idea what I was typing there???? anyone know how to delete comments?

Thomas M. Lange

Yes, it’s all true and the reason of the many reasons fled from it as soon as I could and surely never will return, not even dead!
schoschie

While the other points are (mostly) just humurous, that last one is pretty serious You CAN in fact get the typical German vacationgoer EXTREMELY upset if you block “their” lounge chairs. I’d really really like to watch someone do that last one for real; it would be quite entertaining. {I’m German myself and “get-up-early-to-block-loungers-by-placing-your-towel-on-it” is one of the most annoying actual German habits that I know of. (Never done it myself because I fail at the getting up early bit.)}
Anonymous

I lived in Germany most of my life, but I’ve also lived in other countries. All I can say, is that most of the above simply isn’t true. Funny, yes, but not actually the case. I see, that you’re trying to exaggerate for the purpose of being funny, but the basis is missing. Something I learned when I lived in other countries was, that one often tends to generalize new, unusual things one sees and just assumes, that they would be typical for that country. But it might just as well be due to the kind of poeple you have around, the area you live in, or something else. Just from the heading I thought this could be real good and funny article. But it really wasn’t.
Martin

Dont’ ever try the tipp with the red light, in many nations the cars will stop, in Germany they will drive during the green phase…..

The thing about garbage is correct, pls just dont do it.
http://egghat.blogspot.com/ egghat

You can even piss off a German by saying German words like “Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz”

Funny article btw, except the last two. They are kind of lame now …
http://twitter.com/ochsff Georg Wicherski

I’m German. And I had a good laugh, it’s mostly true…
http://drice.org DRice

Wirklich herrlich.
anonym german

great! haha – and mostly true

some minor corrections (typically german):
* observations regarding asparagus are lightly exaggerated
* staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time get you punched or even killed in the metro of Berlin

Out of curiosity: Are Tommies or Yankees ‘Sitzpinkler’? ‘Sitzpinkler’ are considered to be ‘Warmduscher’ (wimps) in the male urban retreat but no husband would dare to anger his wife…

a german

TheSaintMunich

1) spargel: then you are not from Munich.

sitzpinkling– STAND! be a man! but don’t leave a mess.

Your Germans will love you for keeping your masculinity. Seriously.

anonym german

great! haha – and mostly true

some minor corrections (typically german):
* observations regarding asparagus are lightly exaggerated
* staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time get you punched or even killed in the metro of Berlin

Out of curiosity: Are Tommies or Yankees ‘Sitzpinkler’? ‘Sitzpinkler’ are considered to be ‘Warmduscher’ (wimps) in the male urban retreat but no husband would dare to anger his wife…

a german
http://twitter.com/JensWuerfel Jens Würfel

Awesome, Paul!

You really need to repost this one on Quora: http://www.quora.com/Germany/What-are-some-cultural-faux-pas-in-Germany
http://twitter.com/JensWuerfel Jens Würfel

Awesome, Paul!

You really need to repost this one on Quora: http://www.quora.com/Germany/What-are-some-cultural-faux-pas-in-Germany
Berlin Girl

hahaha, so true, especially the red light and the starring
Nemeduo

Nice article, and by the way, i’m german, hate asparagus and never ever watched Dinner for One. But you’re definitely right about the staring!
Berlin Girl

In London I wait for the green lights everytime AND everytime the british stare at me

TheSaintMunich

I hope they don’t stare too long at you.
TheSaintMunich

I hope they don’t stare too long at you.

German girl

Loving it… I am German while by boyfriend is English and we had MANY of the mentioned discussions… I don’t want him to pee STANDING in my parents house.. He doesn’t get it! Why do I always have to show him how to recycle properly?! Also, he ALWAYS crosses red lights in FRONT OF CHILDREN; outrageous!

You forgot one: Our obsession with washing hands. Many people here in England DO NOT wash hands when they come home, can a German believe this?!

TheSaintMunich

Sweety, it is not our job to train your children. Your Children do not look up to strangers. They believe all the propaganda you tell them until they are old enough to make their own opinion. You are GOD to them, not some random stranger on the street. So relax, tell your child to watch the green man, *and* check for cars that may not stop, then walk. Then say, “those guys are American Rebels” it will help us guys get laid in 20 years.

TheSaintMunich

btw, peeing sitting down is emasculating. Especially if your unit hits the porcelain. That is no good, but you girls don’t know that feeling.

Men: making a mess is not allowed. If your bat is short, step up to the plate.
TheSaintMunich

btw, peeing sitting down is emasculating. Especially if your unit hits the porcelain. That is no good, but you girls don’t know that feeling.

Men: making a mess is not allowed. If your bat is short, step up to the plate.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=642250038 Jules O’ Meingott

patronising, much?

i do agree, but peeing sitting down is emasculating? Maybe you should get a bit more confident about your gender.

TheSaintMunich

I am fine with my gender and masculinity but don’t like my unit touching the inside of the toilet. Women forcing men to pee sitting down is a pure power move. Pee like a woman if you like.

German girl

Loving it… I am German while by boyfriend is English and we had MANY of the mentioned discussions… I don’t want him to pee STANDING in my parents house.. He doesn’t get it! Why do I always have to show him how to recycle properly?! Also, he ALWAYS crosses red lights in FRONT OF CHILDREN; outrageous!

You forgot one: Our obsession with washing hands. Many people here in England DO NOT wash hands when they come home, can a German believe this?!
Guest

Hahahaha! I like this. Yes, I’m German and also yes, I have a sense of humour. (And asparagus is tasty!)
Guest

Hahahaha! I like this. Yes, I’m German and also yes, I have a sense of humour. (And asparagus is tasty!)
http://www.facebook.com/people/Joe-Bishop/100000849049386 Joe Bishop

I taught my dog to macht deutsche “act German” =(sieg heil) Some of my german friends think it’s cute… other not so much.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Joe-Bishop/100000849049386 Joe Bishop

I taught my dog to macht deutsche “act German” =(sieg heil) Some of my german friends think it’s cute… other not so much.
http://www.facebook.com/fabien.roehlinger Fabien Röhlinger

Thanks for this awesome and extremely funny article. I’ve had some good laughs – and shared it !

Best from a German from Berlin! -Fabien
http://www.facebook.com/fabien.roehlinger Fabien Röhlinger

Thanks for this awesome and extremely funny article. I’ve had some good laughs – and shared it !

Best from a German from Berlin! -Fabien
Ash

i wonder if all the germans geting pissed over this have realised their being trolled xD this made me laugh
Ash

i wonder if all the germans geting pissed over this have realised their being trolled xD this made me laugh
From Germany

Great article (I am German Indeed grabbing sun loungers is one of the Germans worst hobbies.But with the “Sitzpinklers” you are wrong. I am sure Germany owns the world record in public stehpinkling against house walls. You have to visit Cologne during Karneval. That smells .

TheSaintMunich

as for the sun loungers “grabbing” — you guys all go to the wrong places on vacation. If you have the German invasion, go elsewhere.

Adolf Filter

Forget the standing piss .. thats pissweak.. to really make dem deutschen volk crack the scheisses.. and go affen scheisse, try taking a dump standing up..
for extra effect, do it on a UBahn.
Adolf Filter

Forget the standing piss .. thats pissweak.. to really make dem deutschen volk crack the scheisses.. and go affen scheisse, try taking a dump standing up..
for extra effect, do it on a UBahn.
Sarah Krooo

großartig, and soo true!
Sarah Krooo

großartig, and soo true!
mcash

what a laugh, and soooooooooooooo true, aprt from one, yes, the british beat us there. The sun bed hunt. I was in Tenerife last year and guess what, the gritish had covered the sun beds with their towels and left none to the Germans (like me)!!!! So, see you british people, you can still learn
Mcash

sorry, meant british, not gritish
Aladin [Ger]

Nice, nice. I read some new words and try to remember them
Bouch

it s funny though and I think that he meant this text a bit ironical. Otherwise he didn’t get realy into Germans. But anyway, the article is fünny!
Christin

Great article, loved it! It´s hilarious an so true (I´m German). Can´t stop laughing. Thanks a lot!
Anonymous

Well you know what they say, better pissed off than pissed on!
http://www.Total-Privacy dot US
http://twitter.com/BurningStereo Laika Alfonsdóttir

quite entertaining, thanks for a great post!

I just don’t get this thing:

“Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace. This method is guaranteed to replace the smugness on your companion’s face with something way more anxious.”

because, isn’t it nice to have people trying to understand you? why would someone have the urge to piss them off for being eager about a foreign language?
Andy

Doing any one of those things would piss off anybody with half a brain, irrespective of what nationality they were. If you want to persist with being a cock, I’m glad you’re out of the country. I feel sorry for for the Bosch.
Andy ‘made in Hamburg’.
http://www.traveldestinationbucketlist.com/ AnitaMac

That’s awesome!!! Love that they have recycled for years and are so passionate about it!!! I am all for recycling – but wish they would still keep a stinking garbage can around. Some things just don’t make the coloured bins!!!! Love Miss Sophie – wonder if she is available outside of Germany on line!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

Thank goodness for that, journalists are awful…

Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Trashy

oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!
Gr

oh yes, the “staring” part! I was touching my nose to see if there was anything there…
Pollux

I am French and we had a lot of fun with my German girlfriend reading this.
Mace

Cross at a red light- no problem at all.

Cross at a red light when there are children around – yes we have a problem with that. Simply because it sets a bad example for them and they might get into danger by following your lead.

TheSaintMunich

when the Djerman says, “Beispiel geben” tell them, “I am, I am walking across the road when there are no cars coming. Not all cars stop when it’s red!” Make sure to use the exclamation point – because they use them to excess.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=642250038 Jules O’ Meingott

because thats how children think (keep your generalisations to yourself)

mama

so that means that in england or anywhere else there must happen much more accidents at crossings with little children involved. which is propably not the case.

but instead we have much more grown up people in germany, who are just following the rules without using their own brains. which leads to unsympathatic people and helps dictatorship.

so in my opinion the red light fascists from today are the nazi fascist from the past!

so watch out people hitler is waiting at the red traffic light for you!!

with love

Mama
mama

so that means that in england or anywhere else there must happen much more accidents at crossings with little children involved. which is propably not the case.

but instead we have much more grown up people in germany, who are just following the rules without using their own brains. which leads to unsympathatic people and helps dictatorship.

so in my opinion the red light fascists from today are the nazi fascist from the past!

so watch out people hitler is waiting at the red traffic light for you!!

with love

Mama

Jeskomomotow

Hahahaa, please tell me you made a joke! the hitler-stuff made my day! keep crossing red lights in front of kids and show them how democrats walk!

mama

your mom is a democrat.

simon.says

nice joke, really…

“…there must happen much more accidents at crossings with little children involved. which is propably not the case. ”

Evidence ?

mama

so you like hip hop too? nice…..

Michael Perretta, better known as Evidence (born December 10, 1976 in Los Angeles, California), is an American hip hop artist, producer, and member of the rap group Dilated Peoples.

another german

u really just want at least one like for your comments, don’t you?
Kate

Well, I am not doing her that favour! BTW, mama, it’s many more, not much more, accidents. Accidents is quantifiable (you do know what that means, right?), but considering your nonsensical comments, the finer points of language are probably beyond your grasp.

Sabine

You are an idiot.

mama

you are an sabine

Roadkill

Welll, ‘mama’, you are unreasonable.

Hope you once have to watch the remains of one of your loved ones scraped off the road, after your error of judgement has worked out decisively…

British citizen

This is a disgusting comment that goes too far.

boom

So not true – crossed a red light just yesterday and was then bitched about by an old woman and young man as I passed them. It’s happened on more than one occassion.

reckter

to proof the long words: ‘Donaudampfschiffartskapitänsmützeneticketierdampfmaschiene’ actualy IS a valid word (it means a lotz of crap.. but it is valid ;P)

Ok i found a better one: ‘Amazonatransatlantischeskreuzfahrtschiffskapitänsgehilfeassistentinka
jütebettwäscheüberzugaufbewahrungnsschranksicherheitsedelstahlsch
lossschlüsseletui’ this is freaking amazing Viel mehr lustiche Sachen gibt’s bei http://lustich.de
Aktion Jackson

I do also live in Germany and I’m not a German, and I can confirm that the worst thing is that the Germans always STARE like they are invisible at people.

They don’t have this natural notion that it is impolite or a sign of aggression just directly keep starring at people like it’s a TV, this always pisses me off…
Aktion Jackson

I do also live in Germany and I’m not a German, and I can confirm that the worst thing is that the Germans always STARE like they are invisible at people.

They don’t have this natural notion that it is impolite or a sign of aggression just directly keep starring at people like it’s a TV, this always pisses me off…

TheSaintMunich

note to Germans: do not do this in a gang area.

Bogus

Remarkably accurate, apart from the sitzpinkeln in public toilets.
Sarah

Good to know that there are others out there not understanding the Germans. Thank you for making me laugh.
http://www.englischbox.com/ Tomas Busse

Oh how true.
I had to explain to a friend that you could get points on your driving license
in Germany crossing a red light on a bicycle. Now one thing though I know the German for circumbilivagination do you know the English for Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz. If not join us at Englishbox for some English lessons
http://www.englischbox.com/ Tomas Busse

Oh how true.
I had to explain to a friend that you could get points on your driving license
in Germany crossing a red light on a bicycle. Now one thing though I know the German for circumbilivagination do you know the English for Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz. If not join us at Englishbox for some English lessons
http://www.englischbox.com/ Tomas Busse

Oh how true.
I had to explain to a friend that you could get points on your driving license
in Germany crossing a red light on a bicycle. Now one thing though I know the German for circumbilivagination do you know the English for Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz. If not join us at Englishbox for some English lessons
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001559524064 Dennis Weissnichts

Haha, I laughed so hard reading through your article. I am one of the smug, english-speaking germans, by the way :> Many of this things annoy myself quite a bit, others give me quiet pangs of national pride, something unheared of since 1945 (with the exception of the soccer world cup of course, mind you). Never the less, it was both, fun and enlightening, to witness some of me and my fellow germans antics through your foreign eyes. And you are right, your circumbilivagination washed the smugness of my face, but I dare you to criticize my tasty aspergillum while watching dinner for one ;D

TheSaintMunich

a true multi-kulti! hats off!
TheSaintMunich

a true multi-kulti! hats off!
TheSaintMunich

a true multi-kulti! hats off!

Brookemler

We lived in Germany for 2 years and I have laughed so hard over this wonderful article… SO TRUE!! I too had an amazing experience and have many fond memories. I have been yelled at by an old woman for crossing the street on red and been in many uncomfortable staring matches. Please do not forget the difference in personal space, or rather, lack thereof. Who could forget all the shoving matches just when getting on a crowded bus! Or having to watch like a hawk who is next in line at the bakery counter, because if you don’t speak up, people will happily go in front of you… and yet, I miss it terribly.
http://www.ageofconan.de Waldgeist

Brilliant and funny. About the “standing while peeing” thing. There is a good reason to sit while peeing and closing the hatch of your toilet seat, before pulling the flush. Test it yourself by placing toilet paper on the ring, then pee and afterwards observe all the drops that came back out. Even the most skilled peeing mastery will not avoid those disgusting drops of pee.

If you want to enhance your experience put a piece of toilet paper on the lower half of your trousers and observe the drops of pee on there too. Every time you pee while standing up, you literally piss yourself. So much for standing up for man’s rights to piss on themselves

TheSaintMunich

Are you circumcised? brings a whole new meaning to penis envy.

http://www.ageofconan.de Waldgeist

It’s not the spray from your precision shooting, but the backfire from fluid meeting a surface or water (depends on where you like to aim) and the resulting spray.

I am not circumsized, but as any man able to “pull back the rug” to improve aiming

American in Germany

I knew a guy who crossed on red in Germany and an elderly woman actually told him that he was setting a bad example for her… dog!

TheSaintMunich

… because dogs do have a higher social rank than children to ze Djermans.

Tim Winter

Well it’s not written that bad, and even the most of the facts are true… But please take your own kids over the road, if you think this is soooo funny… And maybe you would be so kind not to be a kind of role model four our kids over here in Germany… As an ambulance driver I’ve seen some kids after having been hit by cars… This is really not funny… !!!

TheSaintMunich

“not written that poorly” … role model “for” our kids… PAH-LEEEZ! we are not the role model for your child. YOU ARE. seriously, do you believe that some random stranger is going to be a bezugsperson for your child? seriously think about it, then drink some (good) wine, then you’ll know I am right.

As an Ambulance Driver, you —of all people— should know that one should look for CARS and not obey some silly lamp that turned green! (German exclamation point, for those Americans out there, please read as a . )

If all the German Robot Children (using capitals to make my point) are walking when it’s green, then it’s basically the ambulances that can hit them.

Anonymous

The asparagus thing! I am glad to know that I am not crazy.

TheSaintMunich

Ah yes… and then the discussion about which white asparagus is better! I don’t care where you are tell them one of the following regions not near you is better:

a) schwetzingen (near Heidelberg)
b) schrobenhausen (near Munich)
c) beelitz (near Berlin)

Just confuse them. they’ll be thrown off that you’re not promoting Green Asparagus and be thrilled of your knowledge.

if that doesn’t work, criticize the wine, then the ham, then suggest that it is too early, or too late, or perhaps from Greece instead.

… and to the Germans that are pissed off (including the fianceé of mine that might read this) have a drink, then realize that it’s only a phallic vegetable that you’re eating that makes your pee stink.

enjoy the wine, because at least for the price, you’re getting a buzz.

Sabine

Hilarious. And correct on almost all examples:) Re: crossing at a red light – only when kids are present do people get really pissed off. Since German drivers own the roads (that includes racing through small neighbourhoods at 80 km/hr) children are in constant danger of being killed by traffic, so it’s serious business.
Also, please note that watching “Dinner for One” has now become a tradition in Nelson, BC!

http://matadornetwork.com Carlo Alcos

Ha! You need to invite me over for a German dinner and a movie!
http://matadornetwork.com Carlo Alcos

Ha! You need to invite me over for a German dinner and a movie!

SeppDepp

I’m german and I find this outrageously funny
DDL

yessssssssssssssssssssss
Torch

well I recommend: “I’m a stranger here myself” from Bill Bryson….
TheSaintMunich

Paul, I’ve been living in Germany for the past 17 years and agree with you 100% ! write a book! I’ll buy the first (signed) copy. hats off!

side note: as for “crossing on the red” – all you have to do is walk 50 feet away from the corner (yes, I said feet and not meters) and “jay walk” over the street and no one gives a damn. I find that aspect funny that no one cares. I would even do this in front of a police officer without care.

sitzpinkler – my answer for this is: tell the Germs to get circumcised. regardless if it truly makes a difference, it creates interest about your penis, and that’s always a good thing. Also gives you a free pass to pee standing up.
TheSaintMunich

Paul, I’ve been living in Germany for the past 17 years and agree with you 100% ! write a book! I’ll buy the first (signed) copy. hats off!

side note: as for “crossing on the red” – all you have to do is walk 50 feet away from the corner (yes, I said feet and not meters) and “jay walk” over the street and no one gives a damn. I find that aspect funny that no one cares. I would even do this in front of a police officer without care.

sitzpinkler – my answer for this is: tell the Germs to get circumcised. regardless if it truly makes a difference, it creates interest about your penis, and that’s always a good thing. Also gives you a free pass to pee standing up.
Sigi

I am a “Kraut” myself…..haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thank you for this article.
Em-2011

BOY I´m so pissed right now!! I´m a german and that is NOT TRUE!! I´m WRITING only capital letters BECAUSE I´m so pissed!! No seriously, it´s funny I like it. And I think it´s really funny that english people make so much fun about strange german habits (although most of them are not true)
Scham Breischon

Don’t forget walking in the cycle lanes…

Brilliant. This had me in stitches!
Scham Breischon

Don’t forget walking in the cycle lanes…

Brilliant. This had me in stitches!
Themaninthevan

Well there’s certainly quite a few funny bits in there that made me laugh,
but to be honest are we not over the whole stereotype thing? I’ve been living in UK
for quite a few years now and enjoy it, but the constant exaggerating and pointing
fingers at others can get a bit tiresome. I would have expected this article in the daily record
Or the sun, but not here. Humor is all fine and well, but don’t ride the populist wave – the danger of
that is that a good percentage of inhabitants of UK won’t get how it is meant. How else could otherwise so many people believe what is written in the tabloids and take it for fact?
http://twitter.com/philmccomish Phil McComish

I loved this article. I can definitely relate to a lot of these from my four years in Germany. Another one I’ve always noticed is how, at the very first sign of a cold, even in the middle of summer, people insist on wrapping a scarf around their neck and only drinking camomile tea until they’re better.

The very first time I went to Aldi (though this is admittedly specific to budget supermarkets rather than Germany in general – Edeka is much more civilised), I had lots of evil stares because I tried to pack my bags as I went. Only afterwards did I realise that you were supposed to throw everything back into your trolley as fast as you can and then take your trolley to one side and pack your bags afterwards. After 6 months in Germany, I’d been guilt-tripped enough about my use of plastic bags that I would bring my shopping home using a variety of cotton bags.
ShaneWarne

This is actually a little boring. The author says he is living in Berlin and is enjoying it, yet he just ruminates the usual stuff from the british cliche book about germans.
ShaneWarne

This is actually a little boring. The author says he is living in Berlin and is enjoying it, yet he just ruminates the usual stuff from the british cliche book about germans.
BritishStudent

I gotta say the British crossing at red lights when there are OBVIOUSLY CARS COMING really pisses me off. I ride a bike, don’t have a license yet, but when I see them doing this I ride at them as fast as I can hoping that I’ll hit one of the idiots…so far they’ve managed to jump out the way every time, damn them. Oh and I’m british. Crossing at a red light is fine in my book, just check to make sure if there are any bloody cars coming first tough, for the love of god.
BritishStudent

I gotta say the British crossing at red lights when there are OBVIOUSLY CARS COMING really pisses me off. I ride a bike, don’t have a license yet, but when I see them doing this I ride at them as fast as I can hoping that I’ll hit one of the idiots…so far they’ve managed to jump out the way every time, damn them. Oh and I’m british. Crossing at a red light is fine in my book, just check to make sure if there are any bloody cars coming first tough, for the love of god.
BavarianGuest

I must state, that nothing of your points concern to bavarian people. red cross pffff…
BavarianGuest

I must state, that nothing of your points concern to bavarian people. red cross pffff…
Germanbynature

I do not know, when I laughed the last time that hard, and I am German. And it is all so true….thanks for the mirror
Germanbynature

I do not know, when I laughed the last time that hard, and I am German. And it is all so true….thanks for the mirror
Guest

how to piss off a german? drive your car not faster than allowed for more than 5 minutes.
Buy a house in a little town and don`t mow your lawn.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

And…wash your car only once a month!
Another German Guest

Ooh – also, let your tree branches grow over the fence into your neighbour’s property. Tee Hee.

Lin

The staring is spot on, Ubahn rides can be spooky. This happens also outside of Germany.
Once a German tourist in Israel decided to take it to the next level. Took pictures of me while I was working at a museum and got mad that I wasn’t photogenic.
Waltraud Schengelmaier

Hilarious – I agree with half of the article! The other half could happen in any country and has nothing to do with Germany, sorry!
Guest

I think it’s not fair to judge the whole German based on 3 years of experience in Berlin. First of all, it’s too short time period to understand the culture and mentality. Plus, the mentality is Eastern Germany differ from mentality in Western Germany. Moreover, the Berlin lifestyle influences a lot and makes a difference with the rest of Eastern Germany. So, I would say article should be names “How to piss off a Berlin citizen” which of course won’t sound so provocative as intended by author.
Nellodee

funny article! the part about the red light crossings is soooo true. every little Blockwart springs into action immediately. (greetings from a german reader!)
Elphie83

Oh gosh, guys…

This article is surely not meant to piss anyone off… Read it as a satirical view on Germany. That’s what it is, by the way.
And commenting all the rubbish below shows, that Germans are totally humorless regarding their culture and habits. Just have a closer look at yourself and your lifes before calling the author’s article written by “his uneducated insight”. I don’t think that it is uneducated at all…
But at some foreign commenters: Hitler isn’t alive anymore and normally Germans aren’t like him… He was an Austrian (btw)

Thanks for the hilarious article, Paul!
P.S.: I’m a German myself…
Elphie83

Oh gosh, guys…

This article is surely not meant to piss anyone off… Read it as a satirical view on Germany. That’s what it is, by the way.
And commenting all the rubbish below shows, that Germans are totally humorless regarding their culture and habits. Just have a closer look at yourself and your lifes before calling the author’s article written by “his uneducated insight”. I don’t think that it is uneducated at all…
But at some foreign commenters: Hitler isn’t alive anymore and normally Germans aren’t like him… He was an Austrian (btw)

Thanks for the hilarious article, Paul!
P.S.: I’m a German myself…
begs

I’m German, and that’ one of the funniest things i’ve ever read on the internet.

Thanks for making mit looooool. Great writing!
begs

I’m German, and that’ one of the funniest things i’ve ever read on the internet.

Thanks for making mit looooool. Great writing!
Regenmantel

Hmm…..asparagus! *dream*
Jann Pelz

Thanks, you made my day. Your longest German word is made up, the most famous word in Germany is: Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän. You see, we make fun on our language ourselves! Viele Grüße aus Deutschland

Jauszshshskofnrjj

“Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” is not a made-up word. Look it up, you can read the text of the law on the internet.

“Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän”, on the other hand, is made up.
Jauszshshskofnrjj

“Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” is not a made-up word. Look it up, you can read the text of the law on the internet.

“Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän”, on the other hand, is made up.

Marzi

I’m Irish living in Germany and this is one of the funniest observations of German life I’ve ever read…every point is sooooooooo true. LMAO!!
Barb Wilkes

One thing would be interesting to know:

Do British people think that Dinner for one is funny? Or has it never been screened because no one would laugh?
bruno quete

I live in germany almost 1 year and I think here, all works! I dont know where are you from
but I think if you are from U.S.A you should learn something about here, Im doing that also!
Here theres no speed limit on highways, can you explain why there are fewer traffic fatalities
than in other countrys like yours(maybe)
So recycling is bad?? why you live here, you didnt have a work in your own country?
take care man, and enjoy germany is a good place to live!!
bruno quete

Derkai01

I am German and everything the author wrote is true. Obviously you’re the arrogant one and overreacting to an ingenious post. Also, don’t assume someone is from another country until you’re for certain. For all you know, the person could be from Romania. The way the author spelled ‘neighbourhood’ is, hypothetically, a giveaway that the author is more than likely of British decent or learned British English. Perhaps you should improve your English comprehension a tad bit, you boob!

Kingsalomon

in addition the extra points for the “Union Jack” (UK Flag) on towels used for pool-reservations may indicate that he is from GB.

pretty funny points he got there, though.
Chris

… wieder einer dieser peinlichen deutschen Momente: Besserwisser und Klugscheißer. Manchmal ist es einfach besser Mal die Klappe zu halten.

Didi

Ha Bruno. You obviously have no understanding of the British sense of irony/satire.

Guest

Haha,
I am German and I have to say that the author does have his points… Althought he did dramatize things a bid, especially the reactions because he forgot one of the most German habits:

Shoot disapproving glances at somebody who is doing sth wrong but don’t say a word out of politeness. Only in cases when children are involved people usually say sth but otherwise it’s sort of a silent disapproval which is nonetheless putting lots of pressure on the concerned person. Even more effective then saying a word because as long as nobody has landed the first (spoken) punch you are not allowed to reply and shoot back.

So maybe this should be included.

BTW: Swiss folks are the ones who usually start adressing things right away. They will wait until 10pm, open their windows and shout at you that your BBQ is supposed to be over right now.
Benschalk

@ ,arzi: not really;) for exmaple, in berlin where i have been living my whole life(almost), every one throws their garbage on thre streets or in some container, doesn´t matter if its wrong^^
http://twitter.com/desuecia Conjugando con éxito

We watch “Dinner for One” every New Years Eve in Sweden too

Sophie

And in Norway. Same procedure every year

SamJones

You made my day too! I am a german living in Spain, and had to learn that here you can cross a red streetlight, even if there is a police car, they don’t give a shit!But still I have bad conscience when doing so .
One thing you might could have mentioned, we even divided the asparagus in three differen classes Oh man I miss my aspargus here!!!!
Fencenswitschen

You are so right. Germans aren’t funny at all. I must know, because I am German and completely not funny.
StKonstantin

After living in Germany for 15 years I heard the first time of the “Dinner for one – new years tradition” when I moved to Denmark! …otherwise I agree with a big smile
http://twitter.com/Fissemaddenzchn Heikki

I live in the UK since several years, ^-^ I tend to rant about the fact that there is no established recycling system that makes actually sense (to a German), I stop at red lights and even grannys look at me as if I’m from a different planet or something – BUT I am highly amused about ur observations, they are hilarious and they r also true!! thx!!
http://twitter.com/Fissemaddenzchn Heikki

I live in the UK since several years, ^-^ I tend to rant about the fact that there is no established recycling system that makes actually sense (to a German), I stop at red lights and even grannys look at me as if I’m from a different planet or something – BUT I am highly amused about ur observations, they are hilarious and they r also true!! thx!!
Philipp K

well observed, I have to confess that my German genes alarm and agree … but coming from Bavaria I have to say that I was surprised about the asparagus-mania every year in Berlin myself and still try to run away from that every year (it is true that in asparagus-season everything is covered with asparagus here). this then seems to be more a regional madness than a German one.
Sharonah

Brilliant, that made my day. Thank you so much. So happy to hear that there are other people out there thinking the germans are a little weired. I am german mind, ok travelled and with a british partner. I teach my kids to cross the road when there is no car in sight even IF the lights are on red. And to check the road even if the lights are on green. I think it is important to teach them to make their own decisions and jugdgements, otherwise we will educate sheep. and sen ve all know vhat will happen next…
Toni

I live in Munich for almost two years now and I find the article really amusing good points!

simbel

i “find” you too
simbel

i “find” you too
simbel

i “find” you too

Katmandu9112

I lived in Germany for two of the longest years of my life. We obediently divided our trash into 5 different bins for recycling, as they wouldn’t pick it up if you didn’t. The Stars and Stripes reported that they were caught very carefully weighing each type and then throwing it all into the landfill together. Asked why they made people separate it they said “We didn’t think the Americans would do it.”
Katmandu9112

I lived in Germany for two of the longest years of my life. We obediently divided our trash into 5 different bins for recycling, as they wouldn’t pick it up if you didn’t. The Stars and Stripes reported that they were caught very carefully weighing each type and then throwing it all into the landfill together. Asked why they made people separate it they said “We didn’t think the Americans would do it.”

Another German Guest

If you were reading the Stars and Stripes, the reason these were two of the longest years of your life is that you were not really living in Germany – US military bases or housing areas don’t count – but were surrounded by too many of the types of Americans who thought Germany (even in the 90′s) should be considered a hardship post and they should draw hazard pay. After all there was the possibility one may have to drive on those dangerous German roads with … oh no, wait for it … Germans(!) to get to the PX or Commissary. Not kidding – heard these types of comments all the time for many years. You should go back as a civilian and actually experience the country and it’s people.

Treb

I’ve heard tell of someone who was staying in a comune with German Anarchists. Amazed when they were shocked that he tried to cross a deserted road at 3 in the morning when the light was red. Conformist Anarchy.
sabrina

Hi Paul!
I’m an American living in Cologne, and I LOVED LOVED LOVED your article. So well-written and witty. I also read it aloud to my German boyfriend, who could also appreciate what you wrote.

Yeah, the staring really gets to me, but really, I’ve grown some “Eier” (pardon the Denglisch) and have learned to make faces/stare back and piss people off that way. But binoculars are probably the diplomatic way to go. Just wanted to say thanks, and hope you will share more of your anthropological insights in the near future.

LG
Sabrina
http://www.facebook.com/people/Axel-Schmidt/1596141123 Axel Schmidt

Great stuff and so true – got a kick out of it!
Jewe

Haha. Well written. And so not true. You came up with almost every cliché that ond could find on in the internet or any free tourist guide on you’ll get on a pubcrawl around Berlin.
You might also add:

Burn a Toast and call it a “Dark Bread”

Stand on the left side of an Escalator

Tell ‘em that no one else likes “The Hoff”

All that is quite funny, but not exactly how the germans are, more how everyone else want them to be. So everyone: Take it as a joke, it’s a good one. And don’t be to hard on the author, he doesn’t know better. Living in Berlin means to know nothing about Germany at all. It’s like living in NYC and try to get “the Jersey thing”.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

I lived in Cologne for three years before Berlin. I’ve travelled around Germany from North to South and East to West for various jobs. My girlfriend of six years is German as are many of my friends (many of whom are not from Berlin). They all felt the article was pretty accurate and – guess what? – they laughed too. Imagine! Germans laughing! Hahahaha. Sorry I disappointed you though. I wish I’d thought of those things like burned toast and The Hoff myself. Really quite brilliant. You should write something yourself. I’m sure it’d be hilarious. Maybe someone would even laugh.

Jewe

You did not disappoint me. I laughed a lot. It’s a good article. Just more in a literary way and not as an accurate ethnograpic observation.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

The first time I went to a German cinema…I was amazed to find a rope down the center of the middle seat section. The RULE was: You went into a row, walked to the first open seat from that rope and TOOK THOSE SEATS. Woe be to the furriner who disobeyed that rule!

(actually…rather sensible, but a little “duty-bound…” or, “tight-arse,” as we say….

http://twitter.com/OCMSACBC Chris Townsend

Dinner for one is a BIG hit in South Africa – every new years eve. We even have plays about it!
Miranda

I am Norwegian, we also watch “Dinner for One”, but the night before Christmaand it is become this huge cult thing in Norway as well… We call it “Hovmesteren og Grevinnen” here is the wiki page: http://nn.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grevinnen_og_hovmesteren
Miranda

I am Norwegian, we also watch “Dinner for One”, but the night before Christmaand it is become this huge cult thing in Norway as well… We call it “Hovmesteren og Grevinnen” here is the wiki page: http://nn.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grevinnen_og_hovmesteren

Miranda

sorry “Grevinnen og Hovmesteren”… Otherwise some points are spot on, especially I share the sentiment on the Spargel enthusiasm going on here.
Miranda

sorry “Grevinnen og Hovmesteren”… Otherwise some points are spot on, especially I share the sentiment on the Spargel enthusiasm going on here.

Heyn

I’m pretty German and I had to laugh very hard at this article. It’s brilliant, true and just with the right amount of irony! It is, so to say, a Deutschlandseigenartsbeschreibungsgenialitätsbeweisungsverfahren!
Ace_flockey

Awesome! You want a pissed german? I laughed so hard, I literally pissed myself. Even as a german, I felt a bit caught.
But it’s good to look in the mirror sometimes. The way this article is written is just hilarious. THUMB UP, dude. Well done!
http://www.facebook.com/armin.weissenfels Armin Weissenfels

hahaha hehehe, this bloody foreigner
Tobsen

As a German myself I can do nothing but bow humbly in the face of such great humor and keen perception of our national quirks. But I do have to point out that I am rather proud of most of the things listed like the recycling, respecting red lights and Dinner for One. Asparagus on the other hand… a vegetable made by the devil himself!

Guest

also proud of pee sitting down??

Mbreitschaft

beautiful article! very well observed!
Mbreitschaft

beautiful article! very well observed!
Atzeberlin

omg ze Germans have ze humor now!! they total laugh at ze article, because it’s so true. I think if you want to piss them off just keep calling them nazis. it always works.

Another German Guest

Twit!

ibrahud

Great fun! Being a German my self I could only smile, however, when it comes to asparagus – I’m living in an asparagus-planting area – the white one is really far better than the green one together with sauce hollandaise, new potatoes and slices of smoked ham.
ibrahud

Great fun! Being a German my self I could only smile, however, when it comes to asparagus – I’m living in an asparagus-planting area – the white one is really far better than the green one together with sauce hollandaise, new potatoes and slices of smoked ham.
FRITZ

HAHA. I agree with your observations, though not all Germans live by such crazy customs. I cross the road whenever I feel like it. I only stare at hot girls. I hate asparagus. And I certainly don’t pee sitting down. In fact, I’ll piss in the sink if nobody is looking. Or even in a bottle, then throw it in the wrong recycling bin. Or hand it to a small child waiting to cross the road. über alles!
Living in Germany

Everything is so true and so funny.

But… I’ve been living in northern Germany (Berlin, Hamburg) for almost 11 years. Now I moved to South Germany. And here crossing the street at red light alsmost volkssport. Nobody would critisize you – and for that matter it was quite a shock to see how 15 of 20 people rushed forward as soon the light turned red (of course, there were no cars around)….and I happy joined them. Finally, after 11 years of containment, i crossed at a red light and nobody was complaining Freiheit!

Abc

Also asparagus is much more popular in the north. In middle/south germany you don’t have sand ground and it don’t grow very good. (About the north it’s wirte with their love for asparagus but not in Hessen as example)
Abc

Also asparagus is much more popular in the north. In middle/south germany you don’t have sand ground and it don’t grow very good. (About the north it’s wirte with their love for asparagus but not in Hessen as example)
Parobert

In Germany you can find the most beautiful girls, especially in Berlin and Hamburg…

BaggyFourskin

I’ve never been the Deutschland but it sounds like someone needs to show them how to take a piss.
BaggyFourskin

I’ve never been the Deutschland but it sounds like someone needs to show them how to take a piss.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Charles-Lambert/1295506235 Charles Lambert

I saw Dinner for One in Italy (OK, it was on DVD and I was shown it by a Germanophile Italian friend. So I suppose it doesn’t count…) The weirdest thing is realising that Freddie Frinton must actually be a household name (or, at least, face) in most German households.
Kenbcn

I LOVE to cross at red light and forget recycling. Needless to say that I had to leave the country and live in Spain now…
Kenbcn

I LOVE to cross at red light and forget recycling. Needless to say that I had to leave the country and live in Spain now…
Gordo

It’s the bloody truth… I love beeing German
Thumbs up Paul put it in a very sympathetic way.
Gordo

It’s the bloody truth… I love beeing German
Thumbs up Paul put it in a very sympathetic way.
Gordo

It’s the bloody truth… I love beeing German
Thumbs up Paul put it in a very sympathetic way.
ScreamingHorse

This article is hilarious! Thanks to all the people who genuinely ‘got’ it. And everyone else: it’s simple, you just didn’t get it. Anyways, had a great laugh.
IMsuchApissedOFFgermanRIGHTnow

I can tell you an easier way to piss of a German: to post crap like that on the internet. As a German, I cannot relate to any of the things you posted here. Nobody really gives a damn about how you urinate or what vegetables you eat. People do get hit if they stare at other people and a lot of us don’t give a damn about recycling.

One of the easiest ways to piss a German off, is to be uninformed and/or unprepared. Another easy way is to waste a German’s time (i.e. coming too late). A third easy way is to drive slow in front of someone on the Autobahn. Of course you could always start talking about politics and the war(s).

We’re not the bunch of sissies you try to make us. We’re just a bunch of perfectionists who don’t response well to mistakes.

Maybe you should take a bunch of children and cross a red light with them in downtown NYC (and tell their parents about this awesome prank you did afterwards).

The only time I ever got arrested for jail-walking in my life was in the US, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere. Here, I do it all the time (just as anybody else).

I really wonder, what kinds of friends you have. None of my friends would be pissed at you for doing any of the above. But thanks for sharing your insights. You really have the right to do that after living in Berlin for three years and knowing all about us Germans. Maybe you could use some words that are more difficult in your next post “how to piss of a German II”. I’m sure it would make me super pissed-off.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

By far the majority of the 300 comments on this article have been a) posted by Germans and b) positive. I’m really sorry it didn’t make you personally laugh but hey, the seriousness of your comment actually made me laugh a LOT. So thank you for that. (Also Mr. Perfectionist – it’s Jay-walking, not Jail-walking. But as someone who isn’t a native speaker and only *attempts* to speak English I guess you have the right to make those kinds of mistakes). Have a fun day and don’t forget to smile smile smile!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

Great article. I do have one point. Urinating along the highway. Or, around the corner from the rural Gasthaus (where every German over the age of 55 spends a Sunday afternoon.) Openly, and not just lorry drivers!

They stand up when they do that !!!

I, too spent my three years in Germany and re-visit yearly. I remember vividly dating a young woman (who was slightly “americanized…”) and taking her parents to a forest Gasthaus for dinner. It got dark early and she and I went out to the car before her parents. We got in and I turned on the headlights….there was her father, peeing away about 6 feet in front of the car. She nearly DIED of embarrassment!!

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

“We’re not the bunch of sissies you try to make us. We’re just a bunch of perfectionists who don’t response well to mistakes.” from above. Yeah that’s the point he is making!!
Another German Guest

Sadly, it’s uptight people like you who give us Germans the reputation of being humourless. Shame, really because most of my friends have a wonderful sense of humour and are perfectly capable at laughing at some of their own habits – without feeling like that means they should give them up or like they’re being accused in any way. Not sure I’ve heard many people espousing the stereotype that Germans are sissies – or is that just your own insecurity shining through?

Clearly anyone with half a brain doesn’t think it’s a great idea for young children to get the impression that crossing a street on a red light is a great idea to be freely and frequently emulated. On the other hand, I have never seen signs like the “Nur bei grün – der Kinder wegen” anywhere other than Germany. And before the perfectionists have a go at me – no, I am not claiming to have been to every town and city of every country of the world; it is just an observation on the basis of the places I have traveled to. And I have gotten dirty looks in Germany from people for crossing on a red light – even when there are no children around.

By the way, the author wasn’t trying literally to give tips on how to actually piss of anyone at all. Chill out some.

Soloe

More please ! ha ha (Germans- don’t be offended. We love you dearly, and only laugh because we think you should try it too).
Robin

Hey, Ich hasse ” Spargel”!!!! Egal ob weißer oder grüner!

Freundliche Grüße aus Deutschland!
Burningbalu

did u realy live in germany???
i think u´ve forgotten there are always many special rules in germany.

yea don´t cross the red light – on foot it would cost 80 euros and on the bike 120 bucks. and not in front of a mother with little children, she would kill u. or old people, the y think, they are the wardens of the society.
but none of them close – cross the red light…

sitzenpisser are well breed men – it is a rule of women to show their emancipation. men keep it as weakness but has to do it for there wifes to keep the trouble away.
but for shure, every sitzenpisser will be punished on a men-trip…

so u see there are many rules in the rules…and I know only one thing that would realy piss me off, if someone pinchs my last beer
Burningbalu

did u realy live in germany???
i think u´ve forgotten there are always many special rules in germany.

yea don´t cross the red light – on foot it would cost 80 euros and on the bike 120 bucks. and not in front of a mother with little children, she would kill u. or old people, the y think, they are the wardens of the society.
but none of them close – cross the red light…

sitzenpisser are well breed men – it is a rule of women to show their emancipation. men keep it as weakness but has to do it for there wifes to keep the trouble away.
but for shure, every sitzenpisser will be punished on a men-trip…

so u see there are many rules in the rules…and I know only one thing that would realy piss me off, if someone pinchs my last beer
Burningbalu

did u realy live in germany???
i think u´ve forgotten there are always many special rules in germany.

yea don´t cross the red light – on foot it would cost 80 euros and on the bike 120 bucks. and not in front of a mother with little children, she would kill u. or old people, the y think, they are the wardens of the society.
but none of them close – cross the red light…

sitzenpisser are well breed men – it is a rule of women to show their emancipation. men keep it as weakness but has to do it for there wifes to keep the trouble away.
but for shure, every sitzenpisser will be punished on a men-trip…

so u see there are many rules in the rules…and I know only one thing that would realy piss me off, if someone pinchs my last beer
Cyrus McDugan

My favourite German word is “Kellerspeicherstapelrücksprungadressenzeiger”, which simply means “stack pointer”.

I don’t cross a red light, when there are children. I had been run over by a car, when I was a little kid. That’s nothing you should experience at all.

One of the most annoying group in Germany are those with a legal protection insurance, who think, that they’d paid enough to sue someone e.g. for garden gnomes, crowing cocks or croaking frogs in the countryside, yelling kids in kindergarten, branches from the tree of the neighbour …
Rosa Muñoz

the new longest word, since 2003:
“Grundstücksverkehrsgenehmigungszuständigkeitsübertragungsverordnung”
easynow

It´s not a matter of ´getting it´or not. It´s the question of the amount of booklets and articles that already list these points? Not exactly fall-off-your chair funny, no original observation here, all been regurgitated and re-chewed too many times before for the author to prove any kind of creativity. A joke ceases to be funny when it´s been told too many times.
Homo

hm, neither funny nor anywhere close to reality…
Homo

hm, neither funny nor anywhere close to reality…
Danish German

Funny piece but the part on Dinner For One says more about the author than about Germans. Yes, it is a German production (in English) but, today, it is shown in many countries–see http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dinner_for_One.
SomeDude

Goodness gracious.
Your command of diction flexed with humor is quite impressive. I’m more enthralled with how well you write than the hilarity of pissing off people who love David Hasselhoff’s “Looking for Freedom” song—including Mr. Dirk Nowitzki.

With admiration,

Some dude in Turkey
http://getGauss.com/ Vidar ‘blacktar’ Andersen

As a Norwegian living in Germany for over six years, I can relate. However, any Norwegian would disagree with “Dinner For One” not being famous outside of Germany; It’s a national TV tradition airing for eons on the eve of the 23rd of December in Norway.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

OK, true, I should have qualified that part with it not being shown or popular in English-speaking countries like UK/USA.

bs

what really pisses off a german: tell them you know germany because you lived in berlin for three years. three years isn’t that long anyway, but berlin is berlin and not germany. that is like saying you completely understand all americans because you lived in new york for a year. stupid.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

Where in the article does it say I “know” Germany? I’m just making some observational humour based on my experiences here, which also include 3 years in Cologne, a great deal of travelling around the country, a German girlfriend etc. etc. I’m not sure where you live or are from, but I suggest you get out more. Fresh air is better than message boards for releasing pent-up life frustration
Another German Guest

Get a grip – the author is not making any claims to statistical research or definitive knowledge; nor is he claiming to be writing an accurate journalistically verified piece; it’s a bit of fun about things that have struck him as habits he’s encountered, which struck him as funny because they are different from what he is used to from his own home country. You know, just having a bit of fun with stereotypes, remember what fun is?

And most Germans will have a good laugh with you if you say any of these things in good humour and will then humorously-defiantly tell you that “of course, because we’re right”.

Lighten up! (so, did my exclamation mark give me away as being German?)

bs

what really pisses off a german: tell them you know germany because you lived in berlin for three years. three years isn’t that long anyway, but berlin is berlin and not germany. that is like saying you completely understand all americans because you lived in new york for a year. stupid.
http://twitter.com/adamstjohn Adam StJohn Lawrence

I’ve been a Brit in Germany for 20 years, and much of this is just plain wrong.
It’s only ancient grannies who will tut at you for crossing on red, and most of them don’t mind a bit. I have never been stared at in Germany – perhaps your author dresses oddly? It’s fair enough to get told off for getting the recycling wrong – usually it means a fine for the whole building, or the bin-men refuse to collect the rubbish. And Dinner for One is not only popular in Germany – even Wikipedia says it is part of holiday tradition in Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Switzerland and SA. My Dutch, Finnish and Spanish pals can quote it too. I agree completely about the ruddy asparagus, though.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

Sounds like you’ve been very lucky to avoid all of these aspects of German culture since the majority of the 300 comments here (mostly from Germans) seem to agree. Maybe you’re just unobservant? And the recycling thing? It’s a joke. I am not suggesting people actually do these things, nor praising people for breaking the rules. It’s just a bit of fun. *sigh*
Another German Guest

Living in a “safe” and obviously completely detached expat community quite obviously. By the way, the bottle recycling containers the author refers to are the ones by the side of public roads or in public places like supermarket parking lots. No fines for tenants or refusal to empty them there, mate!

Andrej

“One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”.”:D Great
http://twitter.com/random_soul Jen

I totally agree with Heyn. I am German myself and this article really made me chuckle. Well done!
http://twitter.com/random_soul Jen

But I have to say…if the white asparagus you had was tasteless…the cook has definitely something wrong Just saying..
TigerDuck

You’re good. For a non-native.
TigerDuck

You’re good. For a non-native.
OPB

Come and visit Bavaria. This will add some weird points to that list

Greetings from… Bavaria.
Anonymous

I am an American who has been living in Germany for over 11 years. My wife is German and nearly all my friends are German. For those offended by this article, you should realize that most German readers are probably laughing at many of the same things that you find offensive. There is a lot of truth in the cultural habits mentioned here and the author chose to write about them in a sarcastic/ironic rather than scholastic way (maybe just to rile up the easily offended). Every nationality has its own quirks that others don’t fully “get” and that’s part of a country’s unique culture. Germans don’t need foreigners to “defend their honor” on these points. Take this article for what it is and smile a little.

Übrigens, Heyn, dein Wort “Deutschlandseigenartsbeschreibungsgenialitätsbeweisungsverfahren” ist super! Ha ha!
Finnstar

there is nothing true about this bullshit at all…
Finnstar

there is nothing true about this bullshit at all…
Fiona

Actually Dinner for One is screened on SBS in Australia every NYE.SBS is a pretty specialist channel, as although free it focuses on “world news” and screening foreign films (sometimes slightly porno – ie French!).

But yes I have seen DFO many times, my uncle loves it!
http://twitter.com/NomadKeith Keith Kellett

Don’t know about pissing them off, but this sure makes them do a double-take.

Drive down the autobahn in a British car, with your passenger in the left-hand seat reading a newspaper!
Bungle

Superbly written! Coming up to 5 years in Germany, I can say that I have witnessed anger or disbelief at most of the factors listed.
I once got hounded by a mother for crossing at a red light; she was on a bike on the curb directly blocking the view of her ‘scarred-for-life’ 2 year old in the baby seat….
I might also add to Paul’s list:
Criticising ‘currywurst’ and mentioning that the English can make good (dare I say, ‘better’) sausages than the bog standard Bratwurst which every German raves about.
On a lighter note, 3 tips to brighten up a German’s day:

Move over to the window seat on crowded public transport (has the added benefit of not getting walloped by their back pack that they seem unable to remove.)

Say ‘excuse me’ when you want to get off public transport, rather than hope that someone will move simply by willing them to turn round and see you.

Tell them that as unpunctual as Deutsche Bahn can be, at least they don’t have delays for ‘leaves on the line’.

Alex

LOL I loved that last bit- The Regional Verkehr trains in the Ruhrgebiet and wider wurrounding area have been horrendously disrupted by “leaves on the line” recently xD A lot of sarcastic comments from commuters like “Well, all the leaves fell from the trees LAST year, so we at the Deutsche Bahn never expected them to fall this year again! We didn’t prepare!”

datrec

hillarious and so true
unknown

Stupid article and stupid comments!
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz = ”Cattle marking and beef labeling supervision duties delegation law”

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

Like he said…”roughly means ‘no.’ “ Very roughly.

Nomail

Fucking Germans ö
Nomail

Fucking Germans ö
matadorcgn

what a fckn bullshit…………….. who needs THAT kind of journalism ???
matadorcgn

better you write about thousends of americans to come to Berlin to have unlimeted & unsave sex , drinking beer on street and party all nigth ………….. !!!!
Daveg

How about an article on ways to piss off the Irish. The only one I can think of is when abroad someone asks “you English?” Grrr.

Another German Guest

You could always try insisting that the only true whiskey in the world comes from Scotland ) That always makes for a good stale-mate with the Irish.

Daveg

How about an article on ways to piss off the Irish. The only one I can think of is when abroad someone asks “you English?” Grrr.
Daveg

How about an article on ways to piss off the Irish. The only one I can think of is when abroad someone asks “you English?” Grrr.
Tito

AHAHAH!!! I am Swiss of German descent! Hilarious! Those are just a few examples, which probably annoyed most Germans who read it.
One that you forgot: To tell them that WHITE french bread is the best in the world!
Because Germans are sure that their dark bread is the best in the world.
Xeno Phobe

For more in-depth information, please refer to: http://www.amazon.de/Xenophobes-Guide-Germans-Guides/dp/1902825292
as well as
http://www.amazon.de/Xenophobes-Guide-English-Guides/dp/1902825268
Xeno Phobe

For more in-depth information, please refer to: http://www.amazon.de/Xenophobes-Guide-Germans-Guides/dp/1902825292
as well as
http://www.amazon.de/Xenophobes-Guide-English-Guides/dp/1902825268
http://www.facebook.com/people/John-R-Schuh/100001894380487 John R Schuh

Must say that with regards to Spargel, I am with the Germans. Love the stuff.
Anna-NewMexico

hilarious! Im a German myself but have spent a lot of time in the US and the one thing that disturbed me the most after I got back was the continuous staring..so true!!
hamburg

lots of truth. but lounger bagging is defenately know as a british sport…
ze tschörmän

Actually the Danes are watching “Dinner for One” on New Years Eve and what pisses a German off is when they claim thats its a Danish tradition only [plus people watch it also in Swizerland and Austria...]
Ogante

I’m german and I approve this article…. if you don’t just go to war, another wonderful german trait
Ogante

I’m german and I approve this article…. if you don’t just go to war, another wonderful german trait
Yail

Throwing bottles into containers on a quiet Sunday morning will get you a mass outrage at any rate, no matter if you get the colors right. There are certain times when you are allowed to get rid of your rubbish, and doing this on Sunday is short of a criminal offence.
AussieGerman

As a German in Australia, I have to add that Dinner for One was shown, because there is a huge following by German expats, who wanted to watch it here, so SBS showed it (but now I own it on DVD ).
Anyway, this article is quite funny, and whoever doesn’t see it and complains should look into the mirror and ask why English think that Germans have no sense of humour.
Fletch305

I live in Frankfurt for the pass 4 years and the Germans here are not as anal as the rest of the country!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002296204066 Rüdiger Oppen

alles scheiße, ich meine englisch/ amerikanisch.
ich bin deutscher und finde es zum kotzen, das jeder meint
englisch ist das absolute.
aber es ist ja gewollt – wer nicht mitsingt, kann sich verpissen.
gruß civic
baba

Okay, it´s funny, but “Rindfleischettiketierungüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetzt” has really nothing to do with the word “no” XD. (Guess the author knows^^). I tried to translate, but it´s useless: “Beefmeatlabelingmonitoringtaskassignmentlaw”.
I rarely use that word. Only on Christmas. Another way to piss off germans, is to tell them, that you KNOW the world is plane and that god made it within seven days. They will get crazy by trying to convience you you´re wrong.
baba

Okay, it´s funny, but “Rindfleischettiketierungüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetzt” has really nothing to do with the word “no” XD. (Guess the author knows^^). I tried to translate, but it´s useless: “Beefmeatlabelingmonitoringtaskassignmentlaw”.
I rarely use that word. Only on Christmas. Another way to piss off germans, is to tell them, that you KNOW the world is plane and that god made it within seven days. They will get crazy by trying to convience you you´re wrong.
http://www.facebook.com/jenna.eloise Jenna Brown

This is brilliant and SO true!
Germang

I regularly cross at a red light, I urinate standing up, I don’t like asparagus, I find it tough to recycle correctly, I have never seen dinner for one and I have not sat in a sun lounger during any of my vacations. I am German. Sorry, but I don’t think you could piss of many Germans using these techniques. The binoculars might work, but then again the effect is probably much better when performed in the UK or USA…
Another German Guest

I must admit I do recognise some of these things. As descriptions of stereotypes go, this one’s got a good bit of humour mixed into it so well done for that. And can anyone guess who the number 1 adversary in the sun loungers battle is? Yep, you got it – the English!
Soren015

To be fair ; “Dinner for One” is a New Years tradition in Denmark, too.
Anonymous

“Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One” – this one is a great two birds with one stone-remark since it is also shown every New Years Eve in Denmark, and you’d thus insult all Danes by implying we’re… German (the horror!)
Mark

Funny article.. however Germans being smug for speaking English? Jealous because they grew up in a culture that embraces other languages? hehe
Susa

Thanks for making me laugh so much! I’m a German… but that definitely made my day!!! But it’s very much true and those who cannot take it are one of those Germans that feed our bad reputation around the globe. I traveled the world and there are many stereotypes about Germany which unfortunately are true – most of them very well written in the article above! Many thanks again
Jos

As a dane I would just like to point out, that ‘Dinner for one’ also is shown every New Years Eve in Denmark and when they desided not to sent it one year, people complained!
Nicolaip_acdc

A Dinner for One is actually anually broadcast in Denmark on New Year’s Eve as well…
Great or at least alright Dane

Dinner for One is shown every New Years Eve in Denmark as well. But then I guess we are sort of half-German like the Dutch. We definitely all love order and rye bread.
Max

Pay with a credit card..
Nekumon_den_faele

Dinner for One is shown in Denmark every New Years Eve as well. So it’s not entirely true that no one outside og Germany has seen it.

Anonymous

Doesn’t Denmark count as Germany?

Lucky

You would become a popular man in Denmark for saying that

Guest

Wow… what a bullshit. Seems like the British can’t get over World War II. But hey, they are well know for misaligned teeth, being drunk, rowdy and hooking up transsexuals…. Cheers!

Anonymous

By George, you’ve got me down to a tee! Uncanny – well done, Sir.

Lucky

I’m pretty sure this article should be seen as ironic and putting stuff on the edge Even tho positive things aren’t mentioned, I’m sure the guy wouldn’t have stayed for 3 years if he didn’t like Berlin.
The one on Denmark is similar – and I think it’s funny, even if some of the stuff relates more to Copenhageners than Danes in general Btw, Dinner For One is shown in Denmark every New Years too

Müller

the article is called “how to piss off a german”…

Nicole Kaminski

This is hilarious I love the Spargel comment. So right on!
http://twitter.com/paulscott56 Paul Scott

I, for one, committed the recycling crime. Once.
http://twitter.com/sschuermann Sebastian Schürmann

hehe Very funny
Guest

Typical arrogant Brit
http://twitter.com/shoegirlinDE Kate

Love that I’ve now lived in Germany long enough (2+ years) to get a good laugh out of all these references (save the peeing one, being a girl)! I’ll never forget the first time I was in the middle of a crosswalk when the pedestrian light turned red (for which there is no countdown, like in the states, to anticipate this) and the car waiting inches from my shins in the middle of the intersection immediately laid on the horn. Really?! I must say, I don’t notice the German stares – felt that much more when I lived in the SF Bay area. Oh, and we learned the hard way on our first beach vacation about getting to those loungers… (as if there’s a bad spot to lay in the sun at the Mediterranean coast!)
Tony

I’m bavarian, so I think Berlin is a piece of shit (just kidding, I had good times and have many friends there). I think the article is ok but far from beeing brilliant as I did not feel “cought” alot. I think there are better ways to piss us off, for example telling that it’s ok that Germany pays the debts for Greece and such ..

crossing red lights: We’re doing that quite often if there is no car around, especially if riding a bike. I have never been shouted at or seen anybody doing that. But might be different in Berlin.

staring: I think that’s true, we’re generally not as polite as the Brits and such. It pisses me off myself, especially in public transportation. :-/

fancy english words: I guess my english is above average (for a german) but still bad enough so there are even many “normal” words that I don’t know or don’t remember or sometimes don’t understand. I’m old enough to simply ask if I don’t understand a word. On the contrary I think the english of most germans sucks big time, so no need for ancient words. I really think that point is an epic fail in this article.

sitzpinkler: I am one (if there is no urinal) and no woman had to teach me about that. I had to clean my own apartment – that’s what has teached about the pros of sitting down. Also I’m grown up enough to be no pig and man enought so my masculinity is not threatened about it.

aspargus: I don’t like the tasteless white alot, I love the green one. 2 – 3 times a week is enough. But that seems point seems oh so true.

recycling: I really think it only pisses of people of you do it on Sundays. Almost everybody knows that they throw all colors into one container anyways and that it’s not possible to differ brown from green bottles.

dinner for one: TV itself told us that it’s not know in GB or US. But it seems the Scandinavians have proven this point wrong. Still a good one, we’re insane on watching that.

Sun loungers: OMFG – I hate those people. Whether from Germany, Netherlands or England.

I must say, I found the comments much more entertaining in so many ways than the original article. That happens often in the internets

Cheers, Tony
http://www.facebook.com/tina.bfriis Tina Block Friis

hahaha.. he is so right.. but I laught most when I read the part about asparagus “Spargel”.. most german people are nuts about Spargel, hehe… re. the “Dinner for One” movie.. In Denmark do we also see this movie at new years eve ;o)
Sara

“Dinner for one” is shown in Denmark every new years eve…
B6691045

Hahahhaha! But: Even if it’s
humorously written, I don’t consider ANY of these bullet points to be
true. Except the recycling one maybe. I am German and I
hate asparagus, always cross the street at a red light, all my male
flatmates, friends etc. always urinated standing up, I take pleasure in
staring at people to see who can last longer, and, obviously,
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz
does not mean “no” in any way. And the stupid “I reserve my deck chair
with my towel”-stereotype is really getting on my nerves. That’s
something to put on the list, actually.

B6691045

BTW I take no offense in the article at all. In Germany, we ourselves take the piss out of those people who “lived” in Berlin for some time and suddenly become “know-it-alls” of the German culture. There is even a song about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuUqIIxZ1wc

Nnz

Dinner For One is also a national institution in Norway. It’s broadcast every year the night before christmas.

Stephan

So too in Denmark. Although, in Denmark it is broadcast every new year’s eve, just before midnight.

MaNu

well im german and i loved it, it was fun to read and also very true even if i dont like”spargel”

in fact i had no idea dinner for one is only known in germany xD
Kraut

Haha, if Germans look strange at you because you throw the wrong bottles in the wrong units on a Sunday is BECAUSE IT IS A FUCKING SUNDAY. In Germany we respect the working people and don’t wake them up with the annoying sound of throwing glass bottles away. Especially on a Sunday (Or after 20.00 Mo-Sa).
Vera S.

Whatever happened to : “Donaudampfshifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänsfrauswäscheleine”???
0rkrist

Very funny and sooo true. Most of the stuff you mentioned would really piss me off, too. By the way: What does “epalpebrate” and “circumbilivagination” mean? Not knowing is killing me : |
Aujaei

You forgot the elderly women that watch every neighborhood: They rest their crossed forearms on a sofa cushion they’ve placed on the window sill and eye suspiciously at anyone passing by. Comments included.
Lovejones

This is not funny. You English think you are so funny. Comedy is not something we Germans take lightly. It is not a laughing matter.
Gm10

Dinner For One is classic viewing throughout Northern Europe.
KLogan

HILARIOUS, I lived in Bonn for 5 years and was shouted at so many times for crossing the road at a red light! and who doesn’t get a little bit sick of asparagus (spargal) season!
germangerman

great stuff, some facts that I didn’t know before, but seem to be true, Since I’m german, regarding these facts, I’m a realy german, german
Hendrik

Brilliant. Absolutely spot on and very funny indeed! My sincere contrafibularities to the author.
Jacquelyn Deal

Fabulous! Very well written and all very true (I can say after spending eight years in Germany). Well done!!
gherret

Point out that
in English ”Handy” is no synonym for “phone”.
Multiculturalist

This is a rumination of other people’s make-fun-of-Germans posts that where never funny. What do you mean they “literally eat nothing else”. Do you know the sense of the word ‘litereally’?
Yes, we know most humour is based on stereotypes and prejudice. But these are the most stupid ones. It proves little insight into German culture and the things that really are worth being critical about. And there ARE things worth being critical about in Germany. What imbeciles are you posting this for? Don’t assume your audience is made up of idiots.
Kath

I am German and I have to say – so true. But I do cross the street at red lights when there are no children/cops around – and do get the evil eye when not in the “big city”.
Simon

Hilarious – love me som Germans!

Btw dinner for one is also aired in neighboring denmark every new years eve at 23:40.
Naturally the Danes consider it their own…
heus

You could also just take away their beer.
http://countryskipper.com/ Sabrina

Hahaha! Love it! And so true for many things. I (as a German) was so disappointed when I moved abroad and nobody even knew of “Dinner for One”
Leilala

As a true German I would like to note that recycling anything on a Sunday morning is against the rules and hence will cause massive outrage. other than that, your article is on point
Noctis171

I always thought the Germans were a humourless people, but in these comments it’s the germans who are the ones who can see the humour in this article. To the others, get a sense f humour, you humourless gits
Xy

Hello Paul,

nicely written but wrong in one point: Berliners dont take english people not anymore for speaking fancy english. They simply answer: ich spreche kein Englisch.

Which is right. You should be speaking the local language, everything else is an insult.
So there you go, you have a new insult. Speak english. Because that*s what most poms do over here do because of their lack to master german.

How to piss off a German

Cross at a red light (with small children)

Stare back at them using binoculars

Use fancy English words they don’t understand

Urinate standing up

Say you don’t like asparagus, especially if it’s white

Recycle erroneously

Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One

Set your alarm and grab the sun loungers first

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