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Paul Sullivan shows you how to really piss off your German friends without even mentioning the war.

BEFORE YOU READ ON, know that I am genuinely fond of Germans and Germany. For the last three years I have lived in Berlin. I have German friends and deal with German people on a daily basis. My experiences here have been overwhelmingly positive, but you don’t live in a place this long without learning a few things. Here, then, are some surefire ways to upset a German person, should you need to….

Cross at a red light (with small children)

The simplest and best way to provoke some classic Teutonic anger is to meander across the road when the light is showing red. You’ll be risking a fine for jaywalking and you may even be mowed down by a speeding vehicle, but it’s worth it to witness the expressions awaiting you on the other side of the road. Elderly, hunched women, beefy tattooed workmen in overalls, sensible parents authoritatively clutching their young children – all united in their righteous mix of incomprehension, disgust and outrage. For maximum impact, skip across the street with a couple of small children, whistling cheerfully as you go.

Stare back at them using binoculars

If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time. In places like the UK and the USA, staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time can get you yelled at, punched or even killed. In Germany, staring openly is something that just happens – like breathing, walking or developing a long and unnecessarily complex vocabulary (see below). People here don’t just stare at you, they stare through you, mostly through genuine curiosity but sometimes critically (it’s no coincidence that the most intense surveillance apparatus in European history, the Stasi, occurred in East Germany). Staring back only creates a stand-off which no one can win, so the best counter-attack is to use the element of surprise: whip out a pair of small binoculars and return eye contact at close range. Failing that, ask loudly (through a megaphone if you can find one) if they’d care to take a photograph.

If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time
Use fancy English words they don’t understand

Most Germans (of a certain age) speak very good English, which makes them slightly smug, especially when only three non-natives in the history of the world have ever been able to master German. This is mainly because many German words, as Mark Twain once noted, are “so long that they have a perspective.” One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”. The longest word in English, Antidisestablishmentarianism, is pathetic in comparison, so a long-word battle isn’t going to work. Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace. This method is guaranteed to replace the smugness on your companion’s face with something way more anxious.

Urinate standing up

This one is for men (obviously) and is based on a subtle cultural anomaly in Germany where men tend to pee sitting down. There’s even a name for men who do this: sitzpinklers; those who insist on standing — and therefore spraying, maintain the (mostly female) critics — are called stehpinklers. This is not a massively advertised national trait and applies mostly to domestic situations; even the most house-trained German men don’t wee sitting down in clubs or public toilets. But it’s a very real phenomenon and you may well find pro-sitzpinkler stickers adorning lavatories. So in order to be ultra-annoying, you need only (literally) stand up for your male rights.

Say you don’t like asparagus, especially if it’s white

Germans are – there’s no other way to put this – absolutely, uncontrollably cuckoo-crazy about asparagus (spargel). It’s been dubbed the ‘vegetable of kings’ and ‘edible ivory’. What’s more, it’s not the usual green variety they obsess over, but white asparagus, which the rest of the world generally regards with suspicion. More of the stuff is eaten in Germany than anywhere else in the world except Switzerland. From the end of April to the end of June they literally eat nothing else, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Normally sensible restaurants transform their menus into a list of asparagus recipes, wooden huts pop up at roadsides, and public toilets absolutely reek of the stuff. While Germans are generally not known to spend large amounts of money on food, they’d sell their own grandmothers to land them some-o’-that ‘White Gold’. So if you are ever invited for dinner during asparagus season, advising them you are not a fan of the stuff, “especially the tasteless white version,” will guarantee you instant enmity, if not a good kicking and deportation.

As Mark Twain once noted, “Some German words are so long that they have a perspective.”
Recycle erroneously

Germans were busy recycling things back when most of us were still learning how to use our opposable thumbs. Hence their recycling infrastructure, refined over various millennia, has very strict rules involving colored bins for different forms of rubbish (plastic, tin, food etc.) and a veritable army of binmen rumbling about the place. As well as the recycling systems that are inherently part of each household, you’ll also find large green, white and brown containers on the street, which are used for correspondingly colored glass bottles. To irk a decent segment of any local neighbourhood or town, simply rock up to these containers with a trolley full of bottles and start placing them in the wrong units. Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage, as old men with sticks and pony-tailed schoolgirls alike sprint from their houses and hang from their windows to shake their fists at your stupidity and ignorance.

Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One

Asking a German person if they know Dinner For One is a guaranteed way to make their eyes light up. The film is about a bonkers aristocrat (Miss Sophie) who celebrates her 90th birthday with friends who, given they’ve all died off, are imaginary. Her butler, James, comically fills in for each of them, mimicking their voices, drinking their toasts in turn and getting steadily more sloshed. It’s been shown every New Year’s Eve in Germany since the early 70s and is nothing short of a national institution. When your acquaintance, hours later, is done enthusing and quoting, quietly point out to them that, despite holding a Guinness Record for the most aired TV program in history, Dinner For One has never, ever been screened in Britain or the States, and only a few times in Australia.

Set your alarm and grab the sun loungers first

Yep – you can even annoy Germans outside their own country. Vacationing Deutsch folk are notorious worldwide for their lounger-bagging. So much so, that in 2009, Thomas Cook set up a booking service to help Germans bag their loungers before they’d even boarded the plane. For maximum vexation, set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers with towels. (Extra points if the towels are imprinted with a Union Jack).

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About The Author

Paul Sullivan

Paul Sullivan is a freelance writer, author, editor and photographer covering music, travel and culture. His writing and photography work has been published in The Guardian, Sunday Times Travel, National Geographic UK, Matador Network, Wax Poetics, XLR8R and more, and he has scribed/snapped several guidebooks for Time Out, HG2, Rough Guide, Cool Camping and others. He currently lives in Berlin, where he runs the sustainable travel portal Slow Travel Berlin. Check out his photography website, follow him on Twitter or join hisFacebook photography page.

  • Michelle Schusterman

    Hilarious! Adding both circumbilivagination and sitzpinkler to my vocabulary.

  • http://www.groundedtraveler.com Andrew

    Add the following… Close all windows in the winter and do not open them before spring. Germans refuse to stay in any room that has not been properly Entlüftet. This involves opening the window for 5-10 minutes the moment the chill is gone from the air from the last time it was opened.

    Add this to the Sitzpinkel idea where there are bathrooms without heat or closed windows. It is a cold place to sit especially when you are not used to it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/writerren Renae Rost Gregoire

      Ah, then it is my heritage that explains why I loathe stuffy, warm rooms!  Thanks for sharing :) 

      • TheSaintMunich

        Alas, I must admit, when someone talks of a Durchzug, I am the first to close the window to make sure that a train does not come rumbling through…

        • Jules O’ Meingott

          when someone in IReland talks about “Draft” i tend to get out my pint glass…

          • TheSaintMunich

            Nice.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=606042425 Thorsten Kahlert

            I hear you. Draft in Irish homes is a standard built-in feature, hence the little peep-holes commonly referred to as windows.

    • Another German Guest

      HaHa – I think it’s “gelüftet” but sooo true! And there’s an easy explanation for the idea of Sitzpinkeln – we German women like for men to share the experience of having to sit on a freezing cold toilet seat :-))

  • Candice Walsh

    This is absolutely hysterical. ”
    One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means ‘No’.”

    Googled ”
    circumbilivagination.” Not what I thought it was. Slightly relieved.

  • http://www.spartanwanderer.tumblr.com/ Seth Barham

    A lot of these are the same for Swedes…especially the staring, disobeying traffic laws, and recycling.  I think only a German enjoys rules more than a Swede.

  • Andrew in Bonn

    I had a falsche recycling incident only this morning, but I think I got away with it!

    • TheSaintMunich

      REBEL!

      hints:

      1) if someone complains about paper recycling that you did not remove tape, metal, etc. – tell them the BVSE (bundesverband für sekondär rohstoffe) allows for 1pct (by weight) of non paper materials.  sure, paper mills are not thrilled about your pizza cheese, or tape,  but give them the 1 pct finger.  You are giving away raw materials and may feel you are doing something for the environment but the reality is that they are making a profit off it and shipping it overseas (likely China) as there are hardly any paper mills in Germany that use those low-end recycled grades.  But I digress.

      2) recycled bottles all get mixed in together afterwards, anyway.

  • goodqualityisavirtue

    what a bunch of cliché bullshit

  • http://www.facebook.com/jamesglazebrook James Glazebrook

    I love a good Sitzpinkel, especially in Spargel season!

    Too true, too funny, and we too have noticed the staring thing in our first year of living in Berlin: http://www.uberlin.co.uk/a-year-in-berlin-%E2%80%93-five-things-we%E2%80%99ve-learned/

  • http://www.wollmilchsau.de/ Tobias Kärcher

    All true! Makes me angry even reading! ;)

  • Madlen

    I am German and I hate asparagus.

  • Fred

    How to piss off a Englishman?

    Mention the four
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA9q2O9dTtQ

    • http://www.facebook.com/corporalcave Christopher Caddell

      Not really our footballers are a bunch of overpaid ninnies and we can always point to 
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ0uIKjommQ

      • Mr G

        but every german knows, that this was a once in a lifetime game…

    • TheSaintMunich

      I am pleased that the discussion has turned to soccer.

  • Marc

    Haha, awesome. We germans are such a pain in the ass.

  • http://www.frockazine.com/ Kat

    t5hat’s exactly why you have to love the Germans

  • Levelord

    “get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers
    with towels. (Extra points if the towels are imprinted with a Union
    Jack).”

    Love this one! But make sure you really do it in the middle of the night! By 6 o’clock in the morning you will be too late!

  • http://www.chasingheartbeats.com/ Ashley Ludaescher

    this makes me want to carry my binoculars around with me… usually I just stare back with a “what the hell are you looking at?” look, but most of the time the stare-er keeps on staring.  oh how I love the deutsch :)

  • German

    Witzig, zeigt aber nur, wie hoch entwickelt die europäische Kultur auf dem Festland ist, während die britische Intellektuelle noch in in den 80ern verweilt…

    How you really pissed off a german:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/16/lse-students-in-nazi-drinking-game-brawl_n_1208324.html

    • TheSaintMunich

      The reality is that some idiot got upset about it.  Realizing that the English (disclosure: I am American) perhaps still use the term Nazi out of context is a problem Ze Djermans will have to deal with for a few years, but the guys involved showed a lack of social skills by letting themselves get into a fight.   seriously, who cares?

    • Kamile Zaleskyte

      Toll gesagt!

  • http://www.facebook.com/alexander.ebel1 Alexander Ebel

    Last not least: Write an article like that. ;-)

  • http://www.gapdaemon.com Nadia | Gap Daemon

    The first time I went to Germany I was BAFFLED by the red light thing – it really does bother the hell out of Germans (huge generalisation here, but true!) if you cross an empty road at a red light.

  • http://www.romanofski.de/ Roman

    Mahahaha – great read :)

  • http://twitter.com/MDowideit Martin Dowideit

    I am German, I don’t like aspargus. And when it is aspargus season and you say no to the waiter if you are handed over the special aspargus menu he will stare at you with disgust.

  • Guest1

    How to bore your reader with stereotypes…
     

  • Cait

    What a lame article. Try harder. :3

  • Bjørn Scarfield

    Perhaps not a long way from Germany, but in Norway the Dinner for One is a Christmas tradition.  In 2004, a survey done by Get, then UPC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_AS) showed that 7 out of 10 (68,3%) Norwegians “have to” see that show every December 23rd. It’s shown on the Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation channel…

  • Clare Cosgrove

    ROTFLMAO . I bare witness to this!! British lass trapped in NRW for over 14 years!! Thanks for putting in words!! LOL  

  • Derzwen

    this is brilliant.
    greetings from germany

  • Stephie

    “Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage”
    ….Haha, one thing I have to mention: In Germany, it’s not allowed to recycle glass bottles on sunday :P 

    • Thomas M. Lange

      I remember that too, or wash a car…..;o)

      • Sorcha Murphy

        it gets worse: in most cities washing your car in your drive way or on the street (i.e. flushing the waste water in the public drains) is no longer allowed (oil/lead etc. pollution) 
        How do they survive? And they cycle on cyle paths and even have traffic lights for cyclists. Groan. And – god help them – the public transport! Safe, on time, affordable! What next? World domination???

        • Grande

          Nah, we tried the world domination thing… that didn’t work out at all…

          • Jules O’ Meingott

            :D

  • Ixiter

    tz .. Inselaffen … machen Gesetze um auf der falschen Straßenseite zu fahren, essen gleich nach dem Aufstehen zu Mittag,  und haben Orte mit Namen wie “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”.

    Achja .. und sie tun Zucker auf Tomaten und Essig auf die Pommes  *Gesicht verzieh*

    • Craig

      Haha, aber kommt schon… LlanfairPG ist Welsh, nicht alle die Britte ist die glaiche, tut mir lied fuer meine Detsch aber mindestens ich vesuchsmal.
      Und essig auf pommes ist lecker!

    • Abe

      Oh, look, somebody is already pissed

    • Bubberfly

      Oh come on, get over it. I know, I know – I lived in the UK for a while, and I could make a huge list of things that British people do “wrong” (yes, chips & vinegar is one of them), but this name-calling is just sad. Also, if that’s all you can come up you’ve probably never even spend any time in the UK, have you?

  • Alain

    As a german I have to say: RIGHT!

  • C Mc

    Thank you, thank you, thank you – I am still recovering from my laughing fit.

  • Michael

    not pissed off at all :) i think its normal that each country has his positive and negative attitudes and you should laugh about them ;)

  • Olsen

    Two small additions:

    1. Aspargus needs to be drowned in ludicrous amounts of Sauce Hollandaise at all times. Even if it’s the cheapest shit the local store has to offer, everyone will go “yummy!”.

    2. “Dinner For One” is our “The Sound Of Music”. Deal with it! ;-)

    • TheSaintMunich

      …. these are a few of my favorite things.

  • Dimitris

    I have to agree wtih Dinner For One. A German friend could absolutely not believe that I had never seen it! It is funny though:

  • Markosekulla

    that’s a second league article with a nom of reseach bugs ;)

  • GermanGuest

    wow, everybody who is really pissed off by this article, go and check your life. greets, a german

    • kate

       and …. with his uneducated insight. 3 Years… must have been walking around with his eyes closed. 

      • Kathy

        With his blinders firmly in place, he deserves to get whacked by a car crossing on red.  He seems to have identified some anomalies only  foreigners notice and got stuck!  I lived in Berlin for 21 years and just returned to Minneapolis where the recycling is just as intense.  Like escargot, Spargel is an acquired taste, which this article lacks entirely.   Too bad!  He will just move on to another place and after 3  years write the same article that attempts humor.  Berlin is gorgeous, sly, funky, slate grey for months, in your face, and cozy in the rain, rude, generous, has endless beaches,  and is completely outrageous–all simultaneously.  It’s an endless feast, but he missed the main course.  Stupidity over  ”sit  or stand” pisses me off!

        • Abs

          Take a chill pill.  it’s just humour!

        • Herr.Boo

          Endless beaches? Berlin? really? do you know what endless means?
          do you know what beach mean?

          • Frg

            Do you know what “Wannsee” means?

          • Berliner

            Berlin has no beaches in the meaning of Bondi Beach, but come to Berlin (in summer) and look for places like  http://www.strandbar-mitte.de or http://www.arena-berlin.de/badeschiff.aspx or http://www.bar25.de
            And (un)countable others ;-)

            By the way, my favourite german word:
            Fussballweltmeisterschaftsendrundenfinalteilnehmer

          • Starry

            Bar 25 closed a year ago, Strandbar isn’t a beach, but rather a bar in a Mitte street and Badeschiff is a jetty packed with proles in summer.  What the other comment means is Wannsee, Müggelsee etc etc. It does have countless beaches, yes!
            This piece is well written& funny but the author has obviously not been here that long. What about messing with the germans appalling pavement etiquette? Don’t move out of the way of a German coming towards you and watch him fume!!!

          • Berliner

            Berlin has no beaches in the meaning of Bondi Beach, but come to Berlin (in summer) and look for places like  http://www.strandbar-mitte.de or http://www.arena-berlin.de/badeschiff.aspx or http://www.bar25.de
            And (un)countable others ;-)

            By the way, my favourite german word:
            Fussballweltmeisterschaftsendrundenfinalteilnehmer

          • Flamenco2

            Friend, there are over 3000 lakes in and around Berlin…most of them have  sand on the banks…the bigger ones are similar to sea.

            Mr. Paul’s article  with 3 years of roaming around Berlin chimes with visitors who come to Germany for a week or two…It unfortunately does not chime fully with either Germans or non natives with long German experience.

            Crossing red with kids with get you in more trouble in London than in Berlin!!!

            Peace.

          • Dade

            Probably meant “bitches”. :D

          • Dolph

            The beaches of the Wannensee!

        • Kyle

          You’ve missed the point. It’s just a light-hearted article. It’s not exactly critical essay on German culture, nor is it criticising Berlin. He also isn’t trying to ‘sell’ Berlin, so why you’re miffed that he hasn’t described Germany’s capital in any way, I don’t know. Read the first paragraph of the article again and you’ll see that the author in fact enjoys his time in Berlin and you’ll see what the point of the article is. Why be so defensive anyway? It’s not like he was saying all Germans are Nazis…

          I myself have been living in Berlin for just over two years now, and was in Freiburg for a year before that so it was interesting to read the article. I can’t say I’ve seen all of these trends, but he has a point with some of them. I only just found out about Dinner for One this last Silvester to the shock of most Germans I know. Das Sitzpinkeln und das Starren hat mir noch nicht aufgefallen.

          • Kyle

            *ist mir nocht nicht aufgefallen.

          • B6691045

             * noch :D

        • http://twitter.com/random_soul Jen

          I think you completely misunderstood this article.

        • Boz

          Well done Kathy,  for being a whiny, complainy German and proving a point.

        • Helen

          Poor you Kathy. No comments to your lack of humor

        • Haha

          Americans…

        • Steve

          Lighten up. This isn’t an anthropological research and is by no means dissing Berlin, Germany or Germans the way you suggest it does. Maybe this article should be retitled to “how to piss off people who take everything literally, think their personal experience is what matters and lack the ability to chill”.  

          • Kamile Zaleskyte

            Or maybe it should be renamed to “arrogant guy who doesn’t know s**t about a culture he’s trying to write about”. That would be waaay better.

        • Sporty_lady

          Come on Kate, obviously you are lacking a sense of humor if you really take the article that seriously! It IS funny and its true! Exaggerated, but true!

        • Another German Guest

          Oh dear – I reckon it’s people like you who can’t stomach a bit of light-hearted fun-poking that have turned the world into a veritable bed of eggshells everyone has to walk on lest they find themselves in court being sued. Good heavens, lighten up a bit. The truth is the author recognises he’s playing on stereotypes but at the same time stereotypes tend to evolve because there’s that granule of truth to them. He’s not judging anyone, he’s having a bit of fun with some of the habits.

        • KörlyWörly

          I am German and really liked the article. Although some is exaggerated there is still some truth in it…Can’t understand your anger…and didn’t the author mention that he loves Berlin too????

        • Sepulchre

          “Endless beaches?” lmao.  I’ll have to call my friend up in Berlin and tell her she’s merely looking in all the wrong places for those beaches!  The article is a joke, come on.  Even Germans say to not take it so seriously.  I have literally ran across red before to catch busses in Munich, and leaped into Straßenbahnen in Dortmund and Düsseldorf as doors were closing.  My husband who is German also hates the white spargel at least so we agree on that, and its true, they really eat spargel all the time in the early season.  Of course Berlin is more awesome than Minneapolis, what were you expecting?  We also recycle in North Carolina, but its really not on the sorting level like in Germany, although my mother assures me its gotten more stringent since I moved to Germany.  If the town here catches you with the wrong items in the wrong bags and can prove its you, they’ll fine you and not pick anything up until you have corrected the problem.  Calm down Kathy.

      • Guido Holstein

         Bollocks!

  • http://www.facebook.com/winterer Andreas Winterer

    Sometimes wrong, but very funny.

  • Germanator

    try parking your car in the wrong direction..

    • TheSaintMunich

      … or on the sidewalk.

  • Frank_Kemper

    Some things in this article are really well put, while others, which really drive Germans crazy, did not catch the attention of the author. For example: Germans hate people who ignore queuing (British do hate them either, I suppose). The mentioned super-long word ”
    Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” is slightly an unfair choice. First of all, this word does not exist, second, it is by far not the shortest word in the dictionary (I doubt that it can be found in any dictionary at all). One of the shortest german words is “ja”, which, by chance, is one letter shorter than its english translation “yes”. This word pretends to be the name of a law. Even those Germans who do understand English fairly well, are unable to cope with any ordinary legal text written in english. Usually we even fail to understand what our lawyers write and say in something they think is german language.

    • bhrgero

      woooooooooooosh. 

  • Drerwin

    Very nice and funny! Thanks for that.

  • Ze Brot fromm ze German

    To prove your point in utter smugness of Germans regarding the German language: The plural of  “Stehpinkler” is not “stehpinklers”, but also “Stehpinkler”. Singular: Der Stehpinkler. Plural: Die Stehpinkler. Singular: Der Sitzpinkler. Plural: Die Sitzpinkler. It’s like sheep in English, where the plural isn’t sheeps but also sheep. Oh,and don’t forget the notorious “Groß- und Kleinschreibung”, because we spell ev-e-ry noun with a capital letter…… ;-). However, I have a tip for any smug native speaker: Try to learn Russian, that humbles the crap out of you……
    Besides that, you’re exactly right with everything you said. Point one in partcular. I can’t recount the number of times I got flayed visually only for walking over the street when the light was red…..

  • Another German

    obvious german quote below ;) humor is our biggest enemy ;) great article… loved it!

  • Freiherr von Zitzewitz

    Achtung! Gestapo and Stasi are watching you now! Jawoll! They will force you to eat  Sauerkraut und Spargel the whole day for this provocation! Wegtreten!

  • Tanya Markham

    Just so you know, Dinner For One gets shown every New Years Eve in Australia… It’s a tradition for my family to watch it, just as it was when I was a child, and it was for my husband when he was a child, too

  • Anonymous

    Haha thanks for the laugh!
    Pretty much fits to what it really is like here in fkn Germany.
    Especially had to laugh about the Olympic one :)

    Heard that Germans are the least funniest ppl on earth… the comments below seem to prove this :/ Quite embarrassing to be part of this nation.

  • LennStar

    Dinner for one has also several modern remakes, but the only real one is the original with the laughing woman!

    btw: I don’t like asparagus. 

  • We are amused

    Nicely done, Paul! Sweet and entertaining … bonus points for pointing out Australian Dinner For One screenings and the lovely word epalpebrate.

  • Thomas Stoesser

    Haha, awesome article. Made my day. – One of the Germanz

  • Karl Ranseier

    *gaehn*
    Wenn pfuschen und nichts richtig machen wollen olympisch waere….
    Ich glaube, dieser Artikel waere des Goldes wuerdig :-D

    Sitzpinkler = Weichei…

  • Saul PulliVan

    To piss of someone is your goal? ridiculous

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      Not at all! You’ve read the title too literally. But you must have a decent sense of humor to spoonerize my name so imaginatively…

  • Thomas M. Lange

    Yes, it’s all true and the reason of the many reasons fled from it as soon as I could and surely never will return, not even dead!

    • Thomas M. Lange

      ???? no idea what I was typing there???? anyone know how to delete comments?

  • schoschie

    While the other points are (mostly) just humurous, that last one is pretty serious :) You CAN in fact get the typical German vacationgoer EXTREMELY upset if you block “their” lounge chairs. I’d really really like to watch someone do that last one for real; it would be quite entertaining. {I’m German myself and “get-up-early-to-block-loungers-by-placing-your-towel-on-it” is one of the most annoying actual German habits that I know of. (Never done it myself because I fail at the getting up early bit.)}

  • Jasul

    I lived in Germany most of my life, but I’ve also lived in other countries. All I can say, is that most of the above simply isn’t true. Funny, yes, but not actually the case. I see, that you’re trying to exaggerate for the purpose of being funny, but the basis is missing. Something I learned when I lived in other countries was, that one often tends to generalize new, unusual things one sees and just assumes, that they would be typical for that country. But it might just as well be due to the kind of poeple you have around, the area you live in, or something else.  Just from the heading I thought this could be real good and funny article. But it really wasn’t.

  • Martin

    Dont’ ever try the tipp with the red light, in many nations the cars will stop, in Germany they will drive during the green phase…..

    The thing about garbage is correct, pls just dont do it.

  • http://egghat.blogspot.com/ egghat

    You can even piss off a German by saying German words like “Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” ;-)

    Funny article btw, except the last two. They are kind of lame now …

  • http://twitter.com/ochsff Georg Wicherski

    I’m German. And I had a good laugh, it’s mostly true… :)

  • http://drice.org DRice

    Wirklich herrlich. 

  • anonym german

    great! haha – and mostly true

    some minor corrections (typically german):
    * observations regarding asparagus are lightly exaggerated
    * staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time get you punched or even killed in the metro of Berlin

    Out of curiosity: Are Tommies or Yankees ‘Sitzpinkler’? ‘Sitzpinkler’ are considered to be ‘Warmduscher’ (wimps) in the male urban retreat but no husband would dare to anger his wife…

    a german

    • TheSaintMunich

      1) spargel: then you are not from Munich. 

      sitzpinkling– STAND! be a man!  but don’t leave a mess.   

      Your Germans will love you for keeping your masculinity.  Seriously.

  • http://www.jenswuerfel.com/ Jens Würfel

    Awesome, Paul!

    You really need to repost this one on Quora’s “What are some cultural faux pas in Germany”: http://www.quora.com/Germany/What-are-some-cultural-faux-pas-in-Germany

  • Berlin Girl

    hahaha, so true, especially the red light and the starring :D

  • Nemeduo

    Nice article, and by the way, i’m german, hate asparagus and never ever watched Dinner for One. But you’re definitely right about the staring!

  • Berlin Girl

    In London I wait for the green lights everytime AND everytime the british stare at me :D

    • TheSaintMunich

      I hope they don’t stare too long at you.

  • German girl

    Loving it… I am German while by boyfriend is English and we had MANY of the mentioned discussions… I don’t want him to pee STANDING in my parents house.. He doesn’t get it! Why do I always have to show him how to recycle properly?! Also, he ALWAYS crosses red lights in FRONT OF CHILDREN; outrageous! 

    You forgot one: Our obsession with washing hands. Many people here in England DO NOT wash hands when they come home, can a German believe this?!

    • TheSaintMunich

      Sweety, it is not our job to train your children.  Your Children do not look up to strangers.  They believe all the propaganda you tell them until they are old enough to make their own opinion.  You are GOD to them, not some random stranger on the street.  So relax, tell your child to watch the green man, *and* check for cars that may not stop, then walk.      Then say, “those guys are American Rebels”  it will help us guys get laid in 20 years. 

      • TheSaintMunich

        btw, peeing sitting down is emasculating.  Especially if your unit hits the porcelain.   That is no good, but you girls don’t know that feeling.

         Men: making a mess is not allowed.  If your bat is short, step up to the plate.

      • Jules O’ Meingott

        patronising, much?

        i do agree, but peeing sitting down is emasculating? Maybe you should get a bit more confident about your gender. 

        • TheSaintMunich

          I am fine with my gender and masculinity but don’t like my unit touching the inside of the toilet.  Women forcing men to pee sitting down is a pure power move.   Pee like a woman if you like.

      • swanpride

        Germans are pretty much convinced that it takes a village to raise a child…meaning that people should watch out for children, and that includes setting a good example. Doesn’t always work (Germans are as prone to overlooking children in dangerous situations or overlook misbehaving teens like everyone else), but the basic thought is nevertheless part of the culture.

  • Guest

    Hahahaha! I like this. ;) Yes, I’m German and also yes, I have a sense of humour. (And asparagus is tasty!)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joe-Bishop/100000849049386 Joe Bishop

    I taught my dog to macht deutsche “act German” =(sieg heil) Some of my german friends think it’s cute… other not so much.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fabien.roehlinger Fabien Röhlinger

    Thanks for this awesome and extremely funny article. I’ve had some good laughs – and shared it !

    Best from a German from Berlin! -Fabien

  • Ash

    i wonder if all the germans geting pissed over this have realised their being trolled xD this made me laugh

  • From Germany

    Great article (I am German ;-)Indeed grabbing sun loungers is one of the Germans worst hobbies.But with the “Sitzpinklers” you are wrong. I am sure Germany owns the world record in public stehpinkling against house walls. You have to visit Cologne during Karneval. That smells ;-).

    • TheSaintMunich

      as for the sun loungers “grabbing” — you guys all go to the wrong places on vacation.  If you have the German invasion, go elsewhere. 

  • Adolf Filter

    Forget the standing piss .. thats pissweak.. to really make dem deutschen volk crack the scheisses.. and go affen scheisse, try taking a dump standing up.. 
    for extra effect, do it on a UBahn.

  • Sarah Krooo

    großartig, and soo true!

  • mcash

    what a laugh, and soooooooooooooo true, aprt from one, yes, the british beat us there. The sun bed hunt. I was in Tenerife last year and guess what, the gritish had covered the sun beds with their towels and left none to the Germans (like me)!!!! So, see you british people, you can still learn ;-)

  • Mcash

    sorry, meant british, not gritish ;-)

  • Aladin [Ger]

    Nice, nice. I read some new words and try to remember them :D

  • Bouch

    it s funny though and I think that he meant this text a bit ironical. Otherwise he didn’t get realy into Germans. But anyway, the article is fünny! :-)

  • Christin

    Great article, loved it! It´s hilarious an so true (I´m German). Can´t stop laughing. Thanks a lot!  

  • DengZoo2

    Well you know what they say, better pissed off than pissed on!
    http://www.Total-Privacy dot US

  • http://twitter.com/BurningStereo Laika Alfonsdóttir

    quite entertaining, thanks for a great post!

    I just don’t get this thing: 

    “Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace. This method is guaranteed to replace the smugness on your companion’s face with something way more anxious.”

    because, isn’t it nice to have people trying to understand you? why would someone have the urge to piss them off for being eager about a foreign language?

  • Andy

    Doing any one of those things would piss off anybody with half a brain, irrespective of what nationality they were. If you want to persist with being a cock, I’m glad you’re out of the country. I feel sorry for for the Bosch. 
    Andy ‘made in Hamburg’.

  • http://traveldestinationbucketlist.com/ Anita Mac

    That’s awesome!!!  Love that they have recycled for years and are so passionate about it!!!  I am all for recycling – but wish they would still keep a stinking garbage can around.  Some things just don’t make the coloured bins!!!!  Love Miss Sophie – wonder if she is available outside of Germany on line!

  • Trashy

    oh Paul… you’ll never be a good journalist… there is just not enough style in your lines, and your perspektive of things around you isn’t creative enough!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      Thank goodness for that, journalists are awful…

  • Gr

    oh yes, the “staring” part! I was touching my nose to see if there was anything there…

  • Pollux

    I am French and we had a lot of fun with my German girlfriend reading this.

  • Mace

    Cross at a red light- no problem at all. 

    Cross at a red light when there are children around – yes we have a problem with that. Simply because it sets a bad example for them and they might get into danger by following your lead.

    • TheSaintMunich

      when the Djerman says, “Beispiel geben” tell them, “I am, I am walking across the road when there are no cars coming.  Not all cars stop when it’s red!”  Make sure to use the exclamation point – because they use them to excess.

      • Jules O’ Meingott

        because thats how children think (keep your generalisations to yourself)

      • Tom174

        All cars in Germany stop when it’s red! ;)

    • mama

      so that means that in england or anywhere else  there must happen much more accidents at crossings with little children involved.  which is propably not the case.

      but instead we have much more grown up people in germany, who are just following the rules without using their own brains.  which leads to unsympathatic people and helps dictatorship. 

      so in my opinion the red light fascists from today are the nazi fascist from the past! 

      so watch out people hitler is waiting at the red traffic light for you!!

      with love

      Mama

      • Jeskomomotow

        Hahahaa, please tell me you made a joke! the hitler-stuff made my day! keep crossing red lights in front of kids and show them how democrats walk!

        • mama

          your mom is a democrat.

      • simon.says

        nice joke, really…

        “…there must happen much more accidents at crossings with little children involved.  which is propably not the case. ”

        Evidence ?

        • mama

          so you like hip hop too? nice…..

          Michael Perretta, better known as Evidence (born December 10, 1976 in Los Angeles, California), is an American hip hop artist, producer, and member of the rap group Dilated Peoples.

          • another german

            u really just want at least one like for your comments, don’t you?

          • Kate

            Well, I am not doing her that favour! BTW, mama, it’s many more, not much more, accidents. Accidents is quantifiable (you do know what that means, right?), but considering your nonsensical comments, the finer points of language are probably beyond your grasp.

      • Sabine

        You are an idiot.

        • mama

          you are an sabine

          • Roadkill

            Welll, ‘mama’,  you are unreasonable.

            Hope you once have to watch the remains of one of your loved ones scraped off the road, after your error of judgement has worked out decisively…

      • British citizen

        This is a disgusting comment that goes too far.

      • swanpride

        Right…this is missing in the article….make a joke about Nazis or compare them to Nazis. Unless they happen to be very right-wing, they will be deeply offended, because Germans take pride in learning from their history instead of sweeping it under the rug, even if they don’t take pride in the history itself. That’s actually the fastest and surest way to piss a German off.

    • boom

      So not true – crossed a red light just yesterday and was then bitched about by an old woman and young man as I passed them. It’s happened on more than one occassion. 

  • reckter

    to proof the long words: ‘Donaudampfschiffartskapitänsmützeneticketierdampfmaschiene’ actualy IS a valid word :D (it means a lotz of crap.. but it is valid ;P) 

    Ok i found a better one: ‘Amazonatransatlantischeskreuzfahrtschiffskapitänsgehilfeassistentinka
    jütebettwäscheüberzugaufbewahrungnsschranksicherheitsedelstahlsch
    lossschlüsseletui’ this is freaking amazing :DViel mehr lustiche Sachen gibt’s bei http://lustich.de 

  • Aktion Jackson

    I do also live in Germany and I’m not a German, and I can confirm that the worst thing is that the Germans always STARE like they are invisible at people.

    They don’t have this natural notion that it is impolite or a sign of aggression just directly keep starring at people like it’s a TV, this always pisses me off…

    • TheSaintMunich

      note to Germans: do not do this in a gang area.

    • Bubberfly

      I’m not a huge fan of staring, but I’m also not really fond of people who throw the word “natural” around like that. Different cultures are different. Sorry it bothers you, but get a grip.

  • Bogus

    Remarkably accurate, apart from the sitzpinkeln in public toilets.

  • Sarah

    Good to know that there are others out there not understanding the Germans. Thank you for making me laugh.

  • http://www.englischbox.com/ Tomas Busse

    Oh how true.
    I had to explain to a friend that you could get points on your driving license
    in Germany crossing a red light on a bicycle.  Now one thing though I know the German for circumbilivagination do you know the English for Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz. If not join us at Englishbox for some English lessons 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001559524064 Dennis Weissnichts

    Haha, I laughed so hard reading through your article. I am one of the smug, english-speaking germans, by the way :> Many of this things annoy myself quite a bit, others give me quiet pangs of national pride, something unheared of since 1945 (with the exception of the soccer world cup of course, mind you). Never the less, it was both, fun and enlightening, to witness some of me and my fellow germans antics through your foreign eyes. And you are right, your circumbilivagination washed the smugness of my face, but I dare you to criticize my tasty aspergillum while watching dinner for one ;D  

    • TheSaintMunich

      a true multi-kulti!  hats off!

  • Brookemler

    We lived in Germany for 2 years and I have laughed so hard over this wonderful article… SO TRUE!! I too had an amazing experience and have many fond memories. I have been yelled at by an old woman for crossing the street on red and been in many uncomfortable staring matches. Please do not forget the difference in personal space, or rather, lack thereof. Who could forget all the shoving matches just when getting on a crowded bus! Or having to watch like a hawk who is next in line at the bakery counter, because if you don’t speak up, people will happily go in front of you… and yet, I miss it terribly.

  • http://www.waldgeist.org/ Waldgeist

    Brilliant and funny. About the “standing while peeing” thing. There is a good reason to sit while peeing and closing the hatch of your toilet seat, before pulling the flush. Test it yourself by placing toilet paper on the ring, then pee and afterwards observe all the drops that came back out. Even the most skilled peeing mastery will not avoid those disgusting drops of pee.

    If you want to enhance your experience put a piece of toilet paper on the lower half of your trousers and observe the drops of pee on there too. Every time you pee while standing up, you literally piss yourself. So much for standing up for man’s rights to piss on themselves ;)

    • TheSaintMunich

      Are you circumcised?  brings a whole new meaning to penis envy.

      • http://www.waldgeist.org/ Waldgeist

        It’s not the spray from your precision shooting, but the backfire from fluid meeting a surface or water (depends on where you like to aim) and the resulting spray.

        I am not circumsized, but as any man able to “pull back the rug” to improve aiming ;)

  • American in Germany

    I knew a guy who crossed on red in Germany and an elderly woman actually told him that he was setting a bad example for her…    dog!

    • TheSaintMunich

      … because dogs do have a higher social rank than children to ze Djermans.

  • Tim Winter

    Well it’s not written that bad, and even the most of the facts are true… :)    But please take your own kids over the road, if you think this is soooo funny…   And maybe you would be so kind not to be a kind of role model four our kids over here in Germany… As an ambulance driver I’ve seen some kids after having been hit by cars… This is really not funny… !!!

    • TheSaintMunich

      “not written that poorly”   … role model “for” our kids… PAH-LEEEZ!  we are not the role model for your child.  YOU ARE.   seriously, do you believe that some random stranger is going to be a bezugsperson for your child?  seriously think about it, then drink some (good) wine, then you’ll know I am right.

      As an Ambulance Driver, you —of all people— should know that one should look for CARS and not obey some silly lamp that turned green!  (German exclamation point, for those Americans out there, please read as a . )    

      If all the German Robot Children (using capitals to make my point)  are walking when it’s green, then it’s basically the ambulances that can hit them. 

    • Bubberfly

      I’m not comfortable crossing the road when there’s a red light and there are kids around, either. But I strongly encourage looking at the straffic light AND looking for cars on the road. Besides, statistically, the number of pedestrian road deaths per million inhabitants in the UK and Germany are roughly the same: 
      http://ec.europa.eu/transport/road_safety/pdf/gis/mapcare_pedest_2010.pdf

  • waywardlife

    The asparagus thing! I am glad to know that I am not crazy.  

    • TheSaintMunich

      Ah yes…  and then the discussion about which white asparagus is better!  I don’t care where you are tell them one of the following regions not near you is better:

      a) schwetzingen  (near Heidelberg)
      b) schrobenhausen (near Munich)
      c)  beelitz (near Berlin) 

      Just confuse them.  they’ll be thrown off that you’re not promoting Green Asparagus and be thrilled of your knowledge.

      if that doesn’t work, criticize the wine, then the ham, then suggest that it is too early, or too late, or perhaps from Greece instead. 

      … and to the Germans that are pissed off (including the fianceé of mine that might read this) have a drink, then realize that it’s only a phallic vegetable that you’re eating that makes your pee stink. 

      enjoy the wine, because at least for the price, you’re getting a buzz.

  • Sabine

    Hilarious. And correct on almost all examples:) Re: crossing at a red light – only when kids are present do people get really pissed off. Since German drivers own the roads (that includes racing through small neighbourhoods at 80 km/hr) children are in constant danger of being killed by traffic, so it’s serious business.
    Also, please note that watching  “Dinner for One” has now become a tradition in Nelson, BC!

    • http://matadornetwork.com/ Carlo Alcos

      Ha! You need to invite me over for a German dinner and a movie! :)

  • SeppDepp

    I’m german and I find this outrageously funny :)

  • DDL

    yessssssssssssssssssssss

  • Torch

    well I recommend: “I’m a stranger here myself” from Bill Bryson….

  • TheSaintMunich

    Paul, I’ve been living in Germany for the past 17 years and agree with you 100% !  write a book!  I’ll buy the first (signed) copy.  hats off!   

    side note:  as for “crossing on the red” – all you have to do is walk 50 feet away from the corner (yes, I said feet and not meters) and “jay walk” over the street and no one gives a damn.  I find that aspect funny that no one cares.  I would even do this in front of a police officer without care. 

    sitzpinkler – my answer for this is: tell the Germs to get circumcised.  regardless if it truly makes a difference, it creates interest about your penis, and that’s always a good thing.  Also gives you a free pass to pee standing up.  

  • Sigi

    I am a “Kraut” myself…..haven’t laughed this hard in a while.  Thank you for this article.

  • Em-2011

    BOY I´m so pissed right now!! I´m a german and that is NOT TRUE!! I´m WRITING only  capital letters BECAUSE I´m so pissed!! No seriously, it´s funny :D I like it. And I think it´s really funny that english people make so much fun about strange german habits (although most of them are not true)

  • Scham Breischon

    Don’t forget walking in the cycle lanes…

    Brilliant. This had me in stitches! 

  • Themaninthevan

    Well there’s certainly quite a few funny bits in there that made me laugh,
    but to be honest are we not over the whole stereotype thing? I’ve been living in UK
    for quite a few years now and enjoy it, but the constant exaggerating and pointing
    fingers at others can get a bit tiresome. I would have expected this article in the daily record
    Or the sun, but not here. Humor is all fine and well, but don’t ride the populist wave – the danger of
    that is that a good percentage of inhabitants of UK won’t get how it is meant. How else could otherwise so many people believe what is written in the tabloids and take it for fact?

  • http://twitter.com/philmccomish Phil McComish

    I loved this article. I can definitely relate to a lot of these from my four years in Germany. Another one I’ve always noticed is how, at the very first sign of a cold, even in the middle of summer, people insist on wrapping a scarf around their neck and only drinking camomile tea until they’re better.

    The very first time I went to Aldi (though this is admittedly specific to budget supermarkets rather than Germany in general – Edeka is much more civilised), I had lots of evil stares because I tried to pack my bags as I went. Only afterwards did I realise that you were supposed to throw everything back into your trolley as fast as you can and then take your trolley to one side and pack your bags afterwards. After 6 months in Germany, I’d been guilt-tripped enough about my use of plastic bags that I would bring my shopping home using a variety of cotton bags.

  • ShaneWarne

    This is actually a little boring. The author says he is living in Berlin and is enjoying it, yet he  just ruminates the usual stuff from the british cliche book about germans. 

  • BritishStudent

    I gotta say the British crossing at red lights when there are OBVIOUSLY CARS COMING really pisses me off. I ride a bike, don’t have a license yet, but when I see them doing this I ride at them as fast as I can hoping that I’ll hit one of the idiots…so far they’ve managed to jump out the way every time, damn them. Oh and I’m british. Crossing at a red light is fine in my book, just check to make sure if there are any bloody cars coming first tough, for the love of god.

  • BavarianGuest

    I must state, that nothing of your points concern to bavarian people. :P red cross pffff…

  • Germanbynature

    I do not know, when I laughed the last time that hard, and I am German. And it is all so true….thanks for the mirror

  • Guest

    how to piss off a german? drive your car not faster than allowed for more than 5 minutes. 
    Buy a house in a little town and don`t mow your lawn.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

      And…wash your car only once a month!

    • Another German Guest

      Ooh – also, let your tree branches grow over the fence into your neighbour’s property. Tee Hee.

  • Lin

    The staring is spot on, Ubahn rides can be spooky. This happens also outside of Germany. 
    Once a German tourist in Israel decided to take it to the next level. Took pictures of me while I was working at a museum and got mad that I wasn’t photogenic. 

  • Waltraud Schengelmaier

    Hilarious – I agree with half of the article! The other half could happen in any country and has nothing to do with Germany, sorry!

  • Guest

    I think it’s not fair to judge the whole German based on 3 years of experience in Berlin. First of all, it’s too short time period to understand the culture and mentality. Plus, the mentality is Eastern Germany differ from mentality in Western Germany. Moreover, the Berlin lifestyle influences a lot and makes a difference with the rest of Eastern Germany. So, I would say article should be names “How to piss off a Berlin citizen” which of course won’t sound so provocative as intended by author.

  • Nellodee

    funny article! the part about the red light crossings is soooo true. every little Blockwart springs into action immediately. (greetings from a german reader!)

  • Elphie83

    Oh gosh, guys…

    This article is surely not meant to piss anyone off… Read it as a satirical view on Germany. That’s what it is, by the way.
    And commenting all the rubbish below shows, that Germans are totally humorless regarding their culture and habits. Just have a closer look at yourself and your lifes before calling the author’s article written by “his uneducated insight”. I don’t think that it is uneducated at all…
    But at some foreign commenters: Hitler isn’t alive anymore and normally Germans aren’t like him… He was an Austrian (btw)

    Thanks for the hilarious article, Paul!
    P.S.: I’m a German myself…

  • begs

    I’m German, and that’ one of the funniest things i’ve ever read on the internet.

    Thanks for making mit looooool. Great writing!

  • Regenmantel

    Hmm…..asparagus! *dream*

  • Jann Pelz

    Thanks, you made my day. Your longest German word is made up, the most famous word in Germany is: Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän. You see, we make fun on our language ourselves! Viele Grüße aus Deutschland

    • Jauszshshskofnrjj

      “Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” is not a made-up word. Look it up, you can read the text of the law on the internet.

      “Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän”, on the other hand, is made up.

  • Marzi

    I’m Irish living in Germany and this is one of the funniest observations of German life I’ve ever read…every point is sooooooooo true.  LMAO!!

  • Barb Wilkes

    One thing would be interesting to know:

    Do British people think that Dinner for one is funny? Or has it never been screened because no one would laugh?

  • bruno quete

     I live in germany almost 1 year and I think here, all works! I dont know where are you from
    but I think if you are from U.S.A  you should learn something about here, Im doing that also!
    Here theres no speed limit on highways, can you explain why there are fewer traffic fatalities
    than in other countrys like yours(maybe)
    So recycling is bad?? why you live here, you didnt have a work in your own country?
    take care man, and enjoy germany is a good place to live!!
    bruno quete

    • Derkai01

      I am German and everything the author wrote is true. Obviously you’re the arrogant one and overreacting to an ingenious post. Also, don’t assume someone is from another country until you’re for certain. For all you know, the person could be from Romania. The way the author spelled ‘neighbourhood’ is, hypothetically, a giveaway that the author is more than likely of British decent or learned British English. Perhaps you should improve your English comprehension a tad bit, you boob!

      • Kingsalomon

        in addition the extra points for the “Union Jack” (UK Flag) on towels used for pool-reservations may indicate that he is from GB.

        pretty funny points he got there, though.  

      • Chris

        … wieder einer dieser peinlichen deutschen Momente: Besserwisser und Klugscheißer. Manchmal ist es einfach besser Mal die Klappe zu halten. 

    • Didi

      Ha Bruno. You obviously have no understanding of the British sense of irony/satire. :)

  • Guest

    Haha,
    I am German and I have to say that the author does have his points… :D Althought he did dramatize things a bid, especially the reactions because he forgot one of the most German habits:

    Shoot disapproving glances at somebody who is doing sth wrong but don’t say a word out of politeness. Only in cases when children are involved people usually say sth but otherwise it’s sort of a silent disapproval which is nonetheless putting lots of pressure on the concerned person. Even more effective then saying a word because as long as nobody has landed the first (spoken) punch you are not allowed to reply and shoot back.

    So maybe this should be included.

    BTW: Swiss folks are the ones who usually start adressing things right away. They will wait until 10pm, open their windows and shout at you that your BBQ is supposed to be over right now.

  • Benschalk

    @ ,arzi: not really;) for exmaple, in berlin where i have been living my whole life(almost), every one throws their garbage on thre streets or in some container, doesn´t matter if its wrong^^

  • http://twitter.com/desuecia Anna de Suecia

    We watch “Dinner for One” every New Years Eve in Sweden too :)

    • Sophie

      And in Norway. Same procedure every year :)

    • Cartman

      Great news! Who gives a damn about what people in the US/UK are doing anyway? The rest of the world is much nicer to live in ;)

    • swanpride

      I guess after all the “Dinner for One” documentaries, most Germans are already well-aware that it isn’t a worldwide phenomenon.

  • SamJones

    :-D You made my day too! I am a german living in Spain, and had to learn that here you can cross a red streetlight, even if there is a police car, they don’t give a shit!But still I have bad conscience when doing so .
    One thing you might could have mentioned, we even divided the asparagus in three differen classes ;-) Oh man I miss my aspargus here!!!!

  • Fencenswitschen

    You are so right. Germans aren’t funny at all. I must know, because I am German and completely not funny.

  • StKonstantin

    After living in Germany for 15 years I heard the first time of the “Dinner for one – new years tradition” when I moved to Denmark! …otherwise I agree with a big smile :D

  • http://twitter.com/Fissemaddenzchn Heikki

    I live in the UK since several years, ^-^ I tend to rant about the fact that there is no established recycling system that makes actually sense (to a German), I stop at red lights and even grannys look at me as if I’m from a different planet or something – BUT I am highly amused about ur observations, they are hilarious and they r also true!! thx!!

  • Philipp K

    well observed, I have to confess that my German genes alarm and agree … but coming from Bavaria I have to say that I was surprised about the asparagus-mania every year in Berlin myself and still try to run away from that every year (it is true that in asparagus-season everything is covered with asparagus here). this then seems to be more a regional madness than a German one.

  • Sharonah

    Brilliant, that made my day. Thank you so much. So happy to hear that there are other people out there thinking the germans are a little weired. I am german mind, ok travelled and with a british partner. I teach my kids to cross the road when there is no car in sight even IF the lights are on red. And to check the road even if the lights are on green. I think it is important to teach them to make their own decisions and jugdgements, otherwise we will educate sheep. and sen ve all know vhat will happen next…

  • Toni

    I live in Munich for almost two years now and I find the article really amusing :) good points! :)

    • simbel

      i “find” you too ;-)

  • Katmandu9112

    I lived in Germany for two of the longest years of my life. We obediently divided our trash into 5 different bins for recycling, as they wouldn’t pick it up if you didn’t.  The Stars and Stripes reported that they were caught very carefully weighing each type and then throwing it all into the landfill together. Asked why they made people separate it they said “We didn’t think the Americans would do it.”

    • Another German Guest

      If you were reading the Stars and Stripes, the reason these were two of the longest years of your life is that you were not really living in Germany – US military bases or housing areas don’t count – but were surrounded by too many of the types of Americans who thought Germany (even in the 90′s) should be considered a hardship post and they should draw hazard pay. After all there was the possibility one may have to drive on those dangerous German roads with … oh no, wait for it … Germans(!) to get to the PX or Commissary. Not kidding – heard these types of comments all the time for many years. You should go back as a civilian and actually experience the country and it’s people.

  • Treb

    I’ve heard tell of someone who was staying in a comune with German Anarchists. Amazed when they were shocked that he tried to cross a deserted road at 3 in the morning when the light was red. Conformist Anarchy.

  • sabrina

    Hi Paul!
    I’m an American living in Cologne, and I LOVED LOVED LOVED your article. So well-written and witty. I also read it aloud to my German boyfriend, who could also appreciate what you wrote.

    Yeah, the staring really gets to me, but really, I’ve grown some “Eier” (pardon the Denglisch) and have learned to make faces/stare back and piss people off that way. But binoculars are probably the diplomatic way to go. Just wanted to say thanks, and hope you will share more of your anthropological insights in the near future.

    LG
    Sabrina

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Axel-Schmidt/1596141123 Axel Schmidt

    Great stuff and so true – got a kick out of it!

  • Jewe

    Haha. Well written. And so not true. You came up with almost every cliché that ond could find on in the internet or any free tourist guide on you’ll get on a pubcrawl around Berlin.
    You might also add:

    Burn a Toast and call it a “Dark Bread”

    Stand on the left side of an Escalator

    Tell ‘em that no one else likes “The Hoff”

    All that is quite funny, but not exactly how the germans are, more how everyone else want them to be. So everyone: Take it as a joke, it’s a good one. And don’t be to hard on the author, he doesn’t know better. Living in Berlin means to know nothing about Germany at all. It’s like living in NYC and try to get “the Jersey thing”.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      I lived in Cologne for three years before Berlin. I’ve travelled around Germany from North to South and East to West for various jobs. My girlfriend of six years is German as are many of my friends (many of whom are not from Berlin). They all felt the article was pretty accurate and – guess what? – they laughed too. Imagine! Germans laughing! Hahahaha. Sorry I disappointed you though. I wish I’d thought of those things like burned toast and The Hoff myself. Really quite brilliant. You should write something yourself. I’m sure it’d be hilarious. Maybe someone would even laugh.

      • Jewe

        You did not disappoint me. I laughed a lot. It’s a good article. Just more in a literary way and not as an accurate ethnograpic observation.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

        The first time I went to a German cinema…I was amazed to find a rope down the center of the middle seat section.  The RULE was:  You went into a row, walked to the first open seat from that rope and TOOK THOSE SEATS.  Woe be to the furriner who disobeyed that rule!

        (actually…rather sensible, but a little “duty-bound…” or, “tight-arse,” as we say….

  • http://twitter.com/OCMSACBC Chris Townsend

    Dinner for one is a BIG hit in South Africa – every new years eve. We even have plays about it!

  • Miranda

    I am Norwegian, we also watch “Dinner for One”,  but the night before Christmaand it is become this huge cult thing in Norway as well… We call it “Hovmesteren og Grevinnen” here is the wiki page: http://nn.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grevinnen_og_hovmesteren

    • Miranda

      sorry “Grevinnen og Hovmesteren”… Otherwise some points are spot on, especially I share the sentiment on the Spargel enthusiasm going on here.

  • Heyn

    I’m pretty German and I had to laugh very hard at this article. It’s brilliant, true and just with the right amount of irony! It is, so to say, a Deutschlandseigenartsbeschreibungsgenialitätsbeweisungsverfahren!

    • Max Roald Eckardt

      I’m a pretty German and I am not amused by this article. It’s ignorant, false and lacks any portion fo decency! And that wasn’t even a word. The point he obviously totally missed is that the only thing germans hate is breaking the laws of syntax and spelling. Any remaining nuisances are covered by insurances, our welfare system and of course our ubiquitous impromptu staring squads.

      • IfeelBerliner

        This article is about experiences that non-german people have had while living in Berlin. I have a considerable group of non-german friends living in Berlin and we all have had many of these situations with our German friends.
        The author doesn´t describe these topics as bad values from German people, just as funny ones! Believe it or not, be amused or not, that´s not an accident, that´s real, we´ve heard many of them!
        Germans are much more than what he writes about, but it is not about that in the article.
        Don´t misunderstand the author, just enjoy  with him.

        • Kamile Zaleskyte

          That’s not even funny! It is not true. Simple as that. Nothing to enjoy here.

      • TomGram

        I’m really sorry to break the news, but Germans are actually very pleased to break the rules of syntax of their own language and they do it all the time… (Even being unaware of them)

      • Ronald McDonald

        You should add this one: If you want to piss off a German, stereotype him. Only works, if he isn’t able to have a laugh at himself, though. 

      • The German Girl

        Stell dich nicht so an!

        The article is brilliant despite its massive exaggerations!

      • Kamile Zaleskyte

        I agree with you completely! This article is wrong on so many levels… This guy shouldn’t be writing at all – i think lots of people now actually believe this is true!

        • GermanGuy

          FunFact: Germans really do care a lot about their online-reputation and how they are viewed by others on the internet, but when it comes to reality it’s basically just the “Dis is mei
          sun lounger!”

        • Sarah

          No, no they don’t. This article was largely ironic and most people seem to understand that. Granted, it might have been obvious to me because I studied in this lovely, fastidious, conscientious, progressive, and astoundingly direct(in everything except city layouts) country; but it wasn’t a subtle irony at all.

      • Wiesbadenerin

        I’m a prettier German and this comment is a fine example of the most important point that I’ve missed in this article. How to piss off a German: Use humour. They won’t understand it.

      • Ticy

        Brillant irony. Few got it though…

  • Ace_flockey

    Awesome! You want a pissed german? I laughed so hard, I literally pissed myself. Even as a german, I felt a bit caught.
    But it’s good to look in the mirror sometimes.  The way this article is written is just hilarious. THUMB UP, dude. Well done!

  • http://www.facebook.com/armin.weissenfels Armin Weissenfels

    hahaha hehehe, this bloody foreigner

  • Tobsen

    As a German myself I can do nothing but bow humbly in the face of such great humor and keen perception of our national quirks. But I do have to point out that I am rather proud of most of the things listed like the recycling, respecting red lights and Dinner for One. Asparagus on the other hand… a vegetable made by the devil himself!

    • Guest

      also proud of pee sitting down??

      • swanpride

        It’s certainly nicer than sprinkling your urine over other people toilets.
        Funny thing, we just had a talk about Aspargus today because the Aspargus time is starting…we all agreed that the green one actually tastes much better.

  • Mbreitschaft

    beautiful article! very well observed!

  • Atzeberlin

    omg ze Germans have ze humor now!! they total laugh at ze article, because it’s so true. I think if you want to piss them off just keep calling them nazis. it always works.

    • Another German Guest

      Twit!

  • ibrahud

    Great fun! Being a German my self I could only smile, however, when it comes to asparagus – I’m living in an asparagus-planting area – the white one is really far better than the green one together with sauce hollandaise, new potatoes and slices of smoked ham. 

  • FRITZ

    HAHA. I agree with your observations, though not all Germans live by such crazy customs. I cross the road whenever I feel like it. I only stare at hot girls. I hate asparagus. And I certainly don’t pee sitting down. In fact, I’ll piss in the sink if nobody is looking. Or even in a bottle, then throw it in the wrong recycling bin. Or hand it to a small child waiting to cross the road. über alles!

  • Living in Germany

    Everything is so true and so funny.

    But… I’ve been living in northern Germany (Berlin, Hamburg) for almost 11 years. Now I moved to South Germany. And here crossing the street at red light alsmost volkssport. Nobody would critisize you – and for that matter it was quite a shock to see how 15 of 20 people rushed forward as soon the light turned red (of course, there were no cars around)….and I happy joined them. Finally, after 11 years of containment, i crossed at a red light and nobody was complaining :) Freiheit!

    • Abc

      Also asparagus is much more popular in the north. In middle/south germany you don’t have sand ground and it don’t grow very good. (About the north it’s wirte with their love for asparagus but not in Hessen as example)

    • Parobert

      In Germany you can find the most beautiful girls, especially in Berlin and Hamburg…

  • BaggyFourskin

    I’ve never been the Deutschland but it sounds like someone needs to show them how to take a piss.

  • CharlesLambert

    I saw Dinner for One in  Italy (OK, it was on DVD and I was shown it by a Germanophile Italian friend. So I suppose it doesn’t count…) The weirdest thing is realising that Freddie Frinton must actually be a household name (or, at least, face) in most German households.

  • Kenbcn

    I LOVE to cross at red light and forget recycling. Needless to say that I had to leave the country and live in Spain now… :-)

  • Gordo

    It’s the bloody truth… I love beeing German :)
    Thumbs up Paul put it in a very sympathetic way.

  • ScreamingHorse

    This article is hilarious! Thanks to all the people who genuinely ‘got’ it. And everyone else: it’s simple, you just didn’t get it. Anyways, had a great laugh.

  • IMsuchApissedOFFgermanRIGHTnow

    I can tell you an easier way to piss of a German: to post crap like that on the internet. As a German, I cannot relate to any of the things you posted here. Nobody really gives a damn about how you urinate or what vegetables you eat. People do get hit if they stare at other people and a lot of us don’t give a damn about recycling.

    One of the easiest ways to piss a German off, is to be uninformed and/or unprepared. Another easy way is to waste a German’s time (i.e. coming too late). A third easy way is to drive slow in front of someone on the Autobahn. Of course you could always start talking about politics and the war(s).
     
    We’re not the bunch of sissies you try to make us. We’re just a bunch of perfectionists who don’t response well to mistakes.

    Maybe you should take a bunch of children and cross a red light with them in downtown NYC (and tell their parents about this awesome prank you did afterwards).

     The only time I ever got arrested for jail-walking in my life was in the US, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere. Here, I do it all the time (just as anybody else).

    I really wonder, what kinds of friends you have. None of my friends would be pissed at you for doing any of the above. But thanks for sharing your insights. You really have the right to do that after living in Berlin for three years and knowing all about us Germans. Maybe you could use some words that are more difficult in your next post “how to piss of a German II”. I’m sure it would make me super pissed-off.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      By far the majority of the 300 comments on this article have been a) posted by Germans and b) positive. I’m really sorry it didn’t make you personally laugh but hey, the seriousness of your comment actually made me laugh a LOT. So thank you for that. (Also Mr. Perfectionist – it’s Jay-walking, not Jail-walking. But as someone who isn’t a native speaker and only *attempts* to speak English I guess you have the right to make those kinds of mistakes). Have a fun day and don’t forget to smile smile smile!

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

        Great article.  I do have one point.  Urinating along the highway.  Or, around the corner from the rural Gasthaus (where every German over the age of 55 spends a Sunday afternoon.)  Openly, and not just lorry drivers!

        They stand up when they do that !!!

         I, too spent my three years in Germany and re-visit yearly.  I remember vividly dating a young woman (who was slightly “americanized…”) and taking her parents to a forest Gasthaus for dinner.  It got dark early and she and I went out to the car before her parents.  We got in and I turned on the headlights….there was her father, peeing away about 6 feet in front of the car.  She nearly DIED of embarrassment!! 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

      “We’re not the bunch of sissies you try to make us. We’re just a bunch of perfectionists who don’t response well to mistakes.”  from above.  Yeah that’s the point he is making!!

    • Another German Guest

      Sadly, it’s uptight people like you who give us Germans the reputation of being humourless. Shame, really because most of my friends have a wonderful sense of humour and are perfectly capable at laughing at some of their own habits – without feeling like that means they should give them up or like they’re being accused in any way. Not sure I’ve heard many people espousing the stereotype that Germans are sissies – or is that just your own insecurity shining through?

      Clearly anyone with half a brain doesn’t think it’s a great idea for young children to get the impression that crossing a street on a red light is a great idea to be freely and frequently emulated. On the other hand, I have never seen signs like the “Nur bei grün – der Kinder wegen” anywhere other than Germany. And before the perfectionists have a go at me – no, I am not claiming to have been to every town and city of every country of the world; it is just an observation on the basis of the places I have traveled to. And I have gotten dirty looks in Germany from people for crossing on a red light – even when there are no children around.

      By the way, the author wasn’t trying literally to give tips on how to actually piss of anyone at all. Chill out some.

  • Soloe

    More please ! ha ha (Germans- don’t be offended. We love you dearly, and only laugh because we think you should try it too). 

  • Robin

    Hey, Ich hasse ” Spargel”!!!!  Egal ob weißer oder grüner!

    Freundliche Grüße aus  Deutschland!

  • Burningbalu

    did u realy live in germany???
    i think u´ve  forgotten there are always many special rules in germany.

    yea don´t cross the red light – on foot it would cost 80 euros and on the bike 120 bucks. and not in front of a mother with little children, she would kill u. or old people, the y think, they are the wardens of the society.
    but none of them close – cross the red light…

    sitzenpisser are well breed men – it is a rule of women to show their emancipation. men keep it as weakness but has to do it for there wifes to keep the trouble away.
    but for shure, every sitzenpisser will be punished on a men-trip…

    so u see there are many rules in the rules…and I know only one thing that would realy piss me off, if someone pinchs my last beer ;)

  • Cyrus McDugan

    My favourite German word is “Kellerspeicherstapelrücksprungadressenzeiger”, which simply means “stack pointer”.

    I don’t cross a red light, when there are children. I had been run over by a car, when I was a little kid. That’s nothing you should experience at all.

    One of the most annoying group in Germany are those with a legal protection insurance, who think, that they’d paid enough to sue someone e.g. for garden gnomes, crowing cocks or croaking frogs in the countryside, yelling kids in kindergarten, branches from the tree of the neighbour …

  • Rosa Muñoz

    the new longest word, since 2003:
    “Grundstücksverkehrsgenehmigungszuständigkeitsübertragungsverordnung” :-D

  • easynow

    It´s not a matter of ´getting it´or not. It´s the question of the amount of booklets and articles that already list these points? Not exactly fall-off-your chair funny, no original observation here, all been regurgitated and re-chewed too many times before for the author to prove any kind of creativity. A joke ceases to be funny when it´s been told too many times.

  • Homo

    hm, neither funny nor anywhere close to reality…

  • Danish German

    Funny piece but the part on Dinner For One says more about the author than about Germans. Yes, it is a German production (in English) but, today, it is shown in many countries–see http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dinner_for_One.

  • SomeDude

    Goodness gracious.
    Your command of diction flexed with humor is quite impressive. I’m more enthralled with how well you write than the hilarity of pissing off people who love David Hasselhoff’s “Looking for Freedom” song—including Mr. Dirk Nowitzki.

    With admiration,

    Some dude in Turkey

  • http://getGauss.com/ Vidar ‘blacktar’ Andersen

    As a Norwegian living in Germany for over six years, I can relate. However, any Norwegian would disagree with “Dinner For One” not being famous outside of Germany; It’s a national TV tradition airing for eons on the eve of the 23rd of December in Norway. :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      OK, true, I should have qualified that part with it not being shown or popular in English-speaking countries like UK/USA.

  • bs

    what really pisses off a german: tell them you know germany because you lived in berlin for three years.  three years isn’t that long anyway, but berlin is berlin and not germany. that is like saying you completely understand all americans because you lived in new york for a year. stupid.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      Where in the article does it say I “know” Germany? I’m just making some observational humour based on my experiences here, which also include 3 years in Cologne, a great deal of travelling around the country, a German girlfriend etc. etc. I’m not sure where you live or are from, but I suggest you get out more. Fresh air is better than message boards for releasing pent-up life frustration ;)

    • Another German Guest

      Get a grip – the author is not making any claims to statistical research or definitive knowledge; nor is he claiming to be writing an accurate journalistically verified piece; it’s a bit of fun about things that have struck him as habits he’s encountered, which struck him as funny because they are different from what he is used to from his own home country. You know, just having a bit of fun with stereotypes, remember what fun is?

      And most Germans will have a good laugh with you if you say any of these things in good humour and will then humorously-defiantly tell you that “of course, because we’re right”.

      Lighten up! (so, did my exclamation mark give me away as being German?)

  • adamstjohn

    I’ve been a Brit in Germany for 20 years, and much of this is just plain wrong. 
    It’s only ancient grannies who will tut at you for crossing on red, and most of them don’t mind a bit. I have never been stared at in Germany – perhaps your author dresses oddly? It’s fair enough to get told off for getting the recycling wrong – usually it means a fine for the whole building, or the bin-men refuse to collect the rubbish.  And Dinner for One is not only popular in Germany – even Wikipedia says it is part of holiday tradition in Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Switzerland and SA. My Dutch, Finnish and Spanish pals can quote it too. I agree completely about the ruddy asparagus, though.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597531672 Saul Pullivan

      Sounds like you’ve been very lucky to avoid all of these aspects of German culture since the majority of the 300 comments here (mostly from Germans) seem to agree. Maybe you’re just unobservant? And the recycling thing? It’s a joke. I am not suggesting people actually do these things, nor praising people for breaking the rules. It’s just a bit of fun. *sigh*

    • Another German Guest

      Living in a “safe” and obviously completely detached expat community quite obviously. By the way, the bottle recycling containers the author refers to are the ones by the side of public roads or in public places like supermarket parking lots. No fines for tenants or refusal to empty them there, mate!

  • Andrej

    “One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”.”:D Great :D

  • http://twitter.com/random_soul Jen

    I totally agree with Heyn. I am German myself and this article really made me chuckle. Well done!

  • http://twitter.com/random_soul Jen

    But I have to say…if the white asparagus you had was tasteless…the cook has definitely something wrong ;) Just saying..

  • TigerDuck

    You’re good. For a non-native. 

  • OPB

    Come and visit Bavaria. This will add some weird points to that list :)

    Greetings from… Bavaria.

  • HaveYouEverConsidered

    I am an American who has been living in Germany for over 11 years. My wife is German and nearly all my friends are German. For those offended by this article, you should realize that most German readers are probably laughing at many of the same things that you find offensive. There is a lot of truth in the cultural habits mentioned here and the author chose to write about them in a sarcastic/ironic rather than scholastic way (maybe just to rile up the easily offended). Every nationality has its own quirks that others don’t fully “get” and that’s part of a country’s unique culture. Germans don’t need foreigners to “defend their honor” on these points. Take this article for what it is and smile a little.

    Übrigens, Heyn, dein Wort “Deutschlandseigenartsbeschreibungsgenialitätsbeweisungsverfahren” ist super! Ha ha!

  • Finnstar

    there is nothing true about this bullshit at all…

  • Fiona

    Actually Dinner for One is screened on SBS in Australia every NYE.SBS is a pretty specialist channel, as although free it focuses on “world news” and screening foreign films (sometimes slightly porno – ie French!).

    But yes I have seen DFO many times, my uncle loves it!

  • http://twitter.com/NomadKeith Keith Kellett

    Don’t know about pissing them off, but this sure makes them do a double-take.

    Drive down the autobahn in a British car, with your passenger in the left-hand seat reading a newspaper!

  • Bungle

    Superbly written! Coming up to 5 years in Germany, I can say that I have witnessed anger or disbelief at most of the factors listed.
    I once got hounded by a mother for crossing at a  red light; she was on a bike on the curb directly blocking the view of her ‘scarred-for-life’ 2 year old in the baby seat….
    I might also add to Paul’s list:
    Criticising ‘currywurst’ and mentioning that the English can make good (dare I say, ‘better’) sausages than the bog standard Bratwurst which every German raves about.
    On a lighter note, 3 tips to brighten up a German’s day:

    Move over to the window seat on crowded public transport (has the added benefit of not getting walloped by their back pack that they seem unable to remove.)

    Say ‘excuse me’ when you want to get off public transport, rather than hope that someone will move simply by willing them to turn round and see you.

    Tell them that as unpunctual as Deutsche Bahn can be, at least they don’t have delays for ‘leaves on the line’.

    • Alex

      LOL I loved that last bit- The Regional Verkehr trains in the Ruhrgebiet and wider wurrounding area have been horrendously disrupted by “leaves on the line” recently xD A lot of sarcastic comments from commuters like “Well, all the leaves fell from the trees LAST year, so we at the Deutsche Bahn never expected them to fall this year again! We didn’t prepare!”

  • datrec

    hillarious and so true

  • unknown

    Stupid article and stupid comments! 
    Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz = ”Cattle marking and beef labeling supervision duties delegation law”

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5ESJIJRGF4PME6AKBCXXIS6T7M Patrick

      Like he said…”roughly means ‘no.’ “  Very roughly.

    • Bubberfly

      You don’t understand humour, do you?

  • matadorcgn

    what a fckn bullshit……………..  who needs THAT kind of journalism ???

  • matadorcgn

    better you write about thousends of americans to come to Berlin to have unlimeted & unsave sex , drinking beer on street and party all nigth …………..  !!!!

  • Daveg

    How about an article on ways to piss off the Irish. The only one I can think of is when abroad someone asks “you English?” Grrr.

    • Another German Guest

      You could always try insisting that the only true whiskey in the world comes from Scotland ;-)) That always makes for a good stale-mate with the Irish.

  • Tito

    AHAHAH!!! I am Swiss of German descent! Hilarious! Those are just a few examples, which probably annoyed most Germans who read it.
    One that you forgot: To tell them that WHITE french bread is the best in the world!
    Because Germans are sure that their dark bread is the best in the world.

  • Xeno Phobe
  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-R-Schuh/100001894380487 John R Schuh

    Must say that with regards to Spargel, I am with the Germans. Love the stuff.

  • Anna-NewMexico

    hilarious! Im a German myself but have spent a lot of time in the US and the one thing that disturbed me the most after I got back was the continuous staring..so true!!

  • hamburg

    lots of truth. but lounger bagging is defenately know as a british sport…

  • ze tschörmän

    Actually the Danes are watching “Dinner for One” on New Years Eve and what pisses a German off is when they claim thats its a Danish tradition only ;)  [plus people watch it also in Swizerland and Austria...]

  • Ogante

    I’m german and I approve this article…. if you don’t just go to war, another wonderful german trait

  • Yail

    Throwing bottles into containers on a quiet Sunday morning will get you a mass outrage at any rate, no matter if you get the colors right. There are certain times when you are allowed to get rid of your rubbish, and doing this on Sunday is short of a criminal offence.

  • AussieGerman

    As a German in Australia, I have to add that Dinner for One was shown, because there is a huge following by German expats, who wanted to watch it here, so SBS showed it (but now I own it on DVD ;-) ). 
    Anyway, this article is quite funny, and whoever doesn’t see it and complains should look into the mirror and ask why English think that Germans have no sense of humour.

  • Fletch305

    I live in Frankfurt for the pass 4 years and the Germans here are not as anal as the rest of the country!

  • baba

    Okay, it´s funny, but “Rindfleischettiketierungüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetzt” has really nothing to do with the word “no” XD. (Guess the author knows^^). I tried to translate, but it´s useless: “Beefmeatlabelingmonitoringtaskassignmentlaw”. 
     I rarely use that word. Only on Christmas. Another way to piss off germans, is to tell them, that you KNOW the world is plane and that god made it within seven days. They will get crazy by trying to convience you you´re wrong.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jenna.eloise Jenna Brown

    This is brilliant and SO true! 

  • Germang

    I regularly cross  at a red light, I urinate standing up, I don’t like asparagus, I find it tough to recycle correctly, I  have never seen dinner for one and I have not sat in a sun lounger during any of my vacations. I am German. Sorry, but I don’t think you could piss of many Germans using these techniques. The binoculars might work, but then again the effect is probably much better when performed in the UK or USA…

  • Another German Guest

    I must admit I do recognise some of these things. As descriptions of stereotypes go, this one’s got a good bit of humour mixed into it so well done for that. And can anyone guess who the number 1 adversary in the sun loungers battle is? Yep, you got it – the English!

  • Soren015

    To be fair ; “Dinner for One” is a New Years tradition in Denmark, too. :P

  • Anonymous

    “Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One” – this one is a great two birds with one stone-remark since it is also shown every New Years Eve in Denmark, and you’d thus insult all Danes by implying we’re… German (the horror!)

  • Mark

    Funny article.. however Germans being smug for speaking English? Jealous because they grew up in a culture that embraces other languages? hehe

  • Susa

    Thanks for making me laugh so much! I’m a German… but that definitely made my day!!! But it’s very much true and those who cannot take it are one of those Germans that feed our bad reputation around the globe. I traveled the world and there are many stereotypes about Germany which unfortunately are true – most of them very well written in the article above! Many thanks again   :)

  • Jos

    As a dane I would just like to point out, that ‘Dinner for one’ also is shown every New Years Eve in Denmark :) and when they desided not to sent it one year, people complained!

  • Nicolaip_acdc

    A Dinner for One is actually anually broadcast in Denmark on New Year’s Eve as well…

  • Great or at least alright Dane

    Dinner for One is shown every New Years Eve in Denmark as well. But then I guess we are sort of half-German like the Dutch. We definitely all love order and rye bread.

  • Max

    Pay with a credit card..

  • Nekumon_den_faele

    Dinner for One is shown in Denmark every New Years Eve as well. So it’s not entirely true that no one outside og Germany has seen it.

    • George_Moon

      Doesn’t Denmark count as Germany?

      • Lucky

        You would become a popular man in Denmark for saying that ;)

  • Guest

    Wow… what a bullshit. Seems like the British can’t get over World War II. But hey, they are well know for misaligned teeth, being drunk, rowdy and hooking up transsexuals…. Cheers!

    • George_Moon

      By George, you’ve got me down to a tee! Uncanny – well done, Sir.

  • Lucky

    I’m pretty sure this article should be seen as ironic and putting stuff on the edge :) Even tho positive things aren’t mentioned, I’m sure the guy wouldn’t have stayed for 3 years if he didn’t like Berlin.
    The one on Denmark is similar – and I think it’s funny, even if some of the stuff relates more to Copenhageners than Danes in general :)Btw, Dinner For One is shown in Denmark every New Years too ;)

    • Müller

      the article is called “how to piss off a german”…

  • Nicole Kaminski

    This is hilarious :) I love the Spargel comment. So right on!

  • http://twitter.com/paulscott56 Paul Scott

    I, for one, committed the recycling crime. Once.

  • http://twitter.com/sschuermann Sebastian Schürmann

    hehe ;) Very funny 

  • Guest

    Typical arrogant Brit

  • Kate

    Love that I’ve now lived in Germany long enough (2+ years) to get a good laugh out of all these references (save the peeing one, being a girl)! I’ll never forget the first time I was in the middle of a crosswalk when the pedestrian light turned red (for which there is no countdown, like in the states, to anticipate this) and the car waiting inches from my shins in the middle of the intersection immediately laid on the horn. Really?! I must say, I don’t notice the German stares – felt that much more when I lived in the SF Bay area. Oh, and we learned the hard way on our first beach vacation about getting to those loungers… (as if there’s a bad spot to lay in the sun at the Mediterranean coast!) :) 

  • Tony

    I’m bavarian, so I think Berlin is a piece of shit (just kidding, I had good times and have many friends there). I think the article is ok but far from beeing brilliant as I did not feel “cought” alot. I think there are better ways to piss us off, for example telling that it’s ok that Germany pays the debts for Greece and such .. ;-)

    crossing red lights: We’re doing that quite often if there is no car around, especially if riding a bike. I have never been shouted at or seen anybody doing that. But might be different in Berlin. ;-)

    staring: I think that’s true, we’re generally not as polite as the Brits and such. It pisses me off myself, especially in public transportation. :-/

    fancy english words: I guess my english is above average (for a german) but still bad enough so there are even many “normal” words that I don’t know or don’t remember or sometimes don’t understand. I’m old enough to simply ask if I don’t understand a word. On the contrary I think the english of most germans sucks big time, so no need for ancient words.  I really think that point is an epic fail in this article. :D

    sitzpinkler: I am one (if there is no urinal) and no woman had to teach me about that. I had to clean my own apartment – that’s what has teached about the pros of sitting down. Also I’m grown up enough to be no pig and man enought so my masculinity is not threatened about it. ;-)

    aspargus: I don’t like the tasteless white alot, I love the green one. 2 – 3 times a week is enough. But that seems point seems oh so true. :-)

    recycling: I really think it only pisses of people of you do it on Sundays. Almost everybody knows that they throw all colors into one container anyways and that it’s not possible to differ brown from green bottles. ;-)

    dinner for one: TV itself told us that it’s not know in GB or US. But it seems the Scandinavians have proven this point wrong. Still a good one, we’re insane on watching that. :D

    Sun loungers: OMFG – I hate those people. Whether from Germany, Netherlands or England.

    I must say, I found the comments much more entertaining in so many ways than the original article. That happens often in the internets ;-)

    Cheers, Tony

  • http://www.facebook.com/tina.bfriis Tina Block Friis

    hahaha.. he is so right.. but I laught most when I read the part about asparagus “Spargel”.. most german people are nuts about Spargel, hehe… re. the “Dinner for One” movie.. In Denmark do we also see this movie at new years eve ;o)

  • Sara

    “Dinner for one” is shown in Denmark every new years eve…

  • B6691045

    Hahahhaha! But: Even if it’s
    humorously written, I don’t consider ANY of these bullet points to be
    true. Except the recycling one maybe. I am German and I
    hate asparagus, always cross the street at a red light, all my male
    flatmates, friends etc. always urinated standing up, I take pleasure in
    staring at people to see who can last longer, and, obviously,
    Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz
    does not mean “no” in any way. And the stupid “I reserve my deck chair
    with my towel”-stereotype is really getting on my nerves. That’s
    something to put on the list, actually.

    • B6691045

      BTW I take no offense in the article at all. In Germany, we ourselves take the piss out of those people who “lived” in Berlin for some time and suddenly become “know-it-alls” of the German culture. There is even a song about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuUqIIxZ1wc

  • Nnz

    Dinner For One is also a national institution in Norway. It’s broadcast every year the night before christmas. 

    • Stephan

      So too in Denmark. Although, in Denmark it is broadcast every new year’s eve, just before midnight.

  • MaNu

    well im german and i loved it, it was fun to read and also very true even if i dont like”spargel”

    in fact i had no idea dinner for one is only known in germany xD

  • Kraut

    Haha, if Germans look strange at you because you throw the wrong bottles in the wrong units on a Sunday is BECAUSE IT IS A FUCKING SUNDAY.  In Germany we respect the working people and don’t wake them up with the annoying sound of throwing glass bottles away. Especially on a Sunday (Or after 20.00 Mo-Sa).

  • Vera S.

    Whatever happened to : “Donaudampfshifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänsfrauswäscheleine”???

  • 0rkrist

    Very funny and sooo true. Most of the stuff you mentioned would really piss me off, too. By the way: What does “epalpebrate” and “circumbilivagination” mean? Not knowing is killing me : |

  • Aujaei

    You forgot the elderly women that watch every neighborhood: They rest their crossed forearms on a sofa cushion they’ve placed on the window sill and eye suspiciously at anyone passing by. Comments included.

  • Lovejones

    This is not funny. You English think you are so funny. Comedy is not something we Germans take lightly. It is not a laughing matter.

  • Gm10

    Dinner For One is classic viewing throughout Northern Europe. 

  • KLogan

    HILARIOUS, I lived in Bonn for 5 years and was shouted at so many times for crossing the road at a red light! and who doesn’t get a little bit sick of asparagus (spargal) season!

  • germangerman

    great stuff, some facts that I didn’t know before, but seem to be true, Since I’m german, regarding these facts, I’m a realy german, german :D

  • Hendrik

    Brilliant. Absolutely spot on and very funny indeed! My sincere contrafibularities to the author.

  • Jacquelyn Deal

    Fabulous! Very well written and all very true (I can say after spending eight years in Germany). Well done!!

  • gherret

    Point out that 
    in English ”Handy” is no synonym for “phone”.

  • Multiculturalist

    This is a rumination of other people’s make-fun-of-Germans posts that where never funny. What do you mean they “literally eat nothing else”. Do you know the sense of the word ‘litereally’?
    Yes, we know most humour is based on stereotypes and prejudice. But these are the most stupid ones. It proves little insight into German culture and the things that really are worth being critical about. And there ARE things worth being critical about in Germany. What imbeciles are you posting this for? Don’t assume your audience is made up of idiots.

  • Kath

    I am German and I have to say – so true. But I do cross the street at red lights when there are no children/cops around – and do get the evil eye when not in the “big city”. 

  • Simon

    Hilarious – love me som Germans!

    Btw dinner for one is also aired in neighboring denmark every new years eve at 23:40.
    Naturally the Danes consider it their own…

  • heus

    You could also just take away their beer.

  • http://countryskipper.com/ Sabrina

    Hahaha! Love it! :) And so true for many things. I (as a German) was so disappointed when I moved abroad and nobody even knew of “Dinner for One” :)

  • Leilala

    As a true German I would like to note that recycling anything on a Sunday morning is against the rules and hence will cause massive outrage. other than that, your article is on point

  • Noctis171

    I always thought the Germans were a humourless people, but in these comments it’s the germans who are the ones who can see the humour in this article. To the others, get a sense f humour, you humourless gits :)

  • Xy

    Hello Paul, 

    nicely written but wrong in one point: Berliners dont take english people not anymore for  speaking fancy english. They simply answer: ich spreche kein Englisch. 

    Which is right. You should be speaking the local language, everything else is an insult. 
    So there you go, you have a new insult. Speak english. Because that*s what most poms do over here do because of their lack to master german. 

  • Art or ignorance??

    This is just stupid….the reflections of a idiot about a country??? this is just how the internet has become a tool for the ignorant to pass on wrong ideas…to make ignorants even more ignorant.
    I have been in Germany for 4 years…Have NOT seen any of this….Not even as a joke…
    I feel sorry for you and for the ones that try to find some sort of ART behind all this….get a life…you give me the rights to make a general jugement of you…so much to say…but will leave you with my favorite German word…
    youpoorparasiteofthesocietylearnhowtokeepyourfingersoutoftheinternetthiskindofshiitjustbringmoreandmorenegativewayysofbullingisfunny…

  • alexandernigth

    Really I can go to the toilet and .. stand up??? Ok

  • Thni72

    “Dinner for one” has indeed been aired outside Germany. It is on Danish TV every New Years since the 70′s as well, with a few exceptions. They took it off the air for one or two years, but people got so pissed off, that it got back and has been on since.  I believe it is on Norwegian TV too…

    • http://twitter.com/EmmaGnillot Emma

      It’s on every New Year’s Eve in Sweden as well. :) But it seems that the author only counts Britain and the States, and possibly Australia,  as the rest of the world..

    • Bubberfly

      It’s actually been aired in lots of countries, just not in many English-speaking ones it seems.

  • Harry

    wunderbar !
     

  • Guest

     One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is
    Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for
    example, which loosely means “No”

    Bullshit

    • Bubberfly

      Humour.

    • Bubberfly

      Oh wait – you were just trying so show us how smart you are, weren’t you? There, there…

  • http://www.radicke.com/ david

    Brilliant post! You caught me there a few times… :-)
    I do actually stare angrily at people crossing the road on red – especially when my 4 year old is around …

  • Girl from Germany

    Thanks. I had the best laugh in a long time! :)))))

    I, being  German and having lived in the USA for quite some time, can only agree to what the author said. Very well observed!

  • Caro

    @Paul Sullivan: This is brilliant, this is just BRILLIANT! That is exactly the way it is. I’m not German so I suppose I can better laugh at it… :-)

  • http://www.mjsielerjr.com/ Michael J. Sieler Jr.

    Great article! Really funny! I especially like the “Say you don’t like asparagus, especially if it’s white”! I am so tired of eating white asparagus! I can’t believe how much asparagus Germans eat!

  • andyhiggs1969

    I have a few observations about our German friends and their capital city here: http://grownuptravelguide.com/six-slightly-strange-observations-about-berlin

  • c0rtin3x

    Actually, you wouldn’t only get killed off for putting the bottles in the wrong bins but for doing so on a SUNDAY, which is close to a sacrilege in German culture :)

  • Fuckyou

    I’m not German and I don’t think it’s even funny. It’s true.

  • Wurstbert

    I’m so pissed right now….

  • Anja from Germany

    Oh boy…! This made my day!
    Every single passage is true. But the “dinner for one” part made me laugh the hardest.
    I also love the sarcasm you are using. Really a great article!

  • http://twitter.com/XavierTartaglia Xavier Tartaglia

    What about Hitler?

  • Kadeex from Germany

    Haven’t seen him lately….

  • The royal dane

    Im a dane, and the “dinner for one” movie, is sent EVERY year, at new year. That is a tradition :-)

    So your wrong about that part. No harm done ..
    Im also wondering, the movie is english ? Why hasnt it ever been shown in england ?

    I know in germany they would get a voiceover on it, but in denmark, we havent got that plenty of money to voiceover all films, so we watch them in their original language, that is why i know its english :)

  • Bblea

    Very well written, even though some of the things would not annoy me. Maybe I’m just not german enough anymore – now that I left the homeland :P

  • Guest

    I loved this article, so witty and entertaining. Although if I may just make one correction, that has nothing to do with Germany or your article really, antidisestablishmentarianism hasn’t been the longest word in the english language since 1935. Your article can’t be THAT old. The longest word in the english language that was coined in 1935 is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but I get your point.

  • Misslovegrove

    Lovin`every bit of the article. Funny, I had no difficulty whatsoever identifying the irony and laughed myself away. A German.

    PS: I`ll find out what “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” are soon, just to be prepared;)

  • Hermann

    It is a pretty funny text but it is also kind of funny how you managed to keep up you cultural and general ignorance over 3 years. You’re probably US American.

  • Danielbendix

    Dinner for one is shown in Denmark every New Year’s Eve as well

  • British Deutschophile

    Presumably Heyn is relative of the author.  It’s based on truth.. but just a regurgitation… and not written in a particularly engaging style

  • Dink

    Dinner for one is shown every new years eve in Denamerk, so at least the Danes know about it as well. It serves as a very effective drinking game :)

  • Dev0null0

    Hhaha …brilliant had a good laugh.

    But actually the shortest and safest way of pissing off a German is indicating they might be Nazies or behaving like Nazies or be close to Nazi ideology and you name it.
    Even straight neo-nazies will be pissed.
    (So if You want to give the granny educating You at crossing the red light a heart attack – Say: Jawoll Frau Obersturmbahn-führer! (roughly translates ‘YES MADAME SS-leader’))

  • Peter

    we also watch dinner for one every new years in Denmark =P

  • birdy

    Haha…OK, that was funny, and I am from Austria, which is “little Germany” for most people who don´t know Austria that well.
    And for the record: I HATE it if people can´t recycle their waste correctly, because you are right…it´s either stupidity or ignorance…and I don´t know which is worse.

  • http://www.native-translator.de/ TheTranslator

    Wie wahr, wie wahr! (it’s all true!) I like! Greetings from Bavaria ; )

  • http://www.facebook.com/akberk Akber Ali Khan

    NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN

  • TheTranslator

    Uuups….ein wirkich brennendes Thema…

  • Julia

    Fantastic! :) As a Vienes 20-something, having lived in 7 cities around the world in the past 5 years and having studied in Münster (NRW) I first of all completely agree with all points and second have to say this extremely well written and really made me laugh :D Great work!

  • Emilwolffpetersen

    In Denmark we have the exact same tradition with dinner for one.  Every new years eve we see the program. So its not only in Germany ;) 

  • LA

    I  think this article is very funny, I got to chuckle over some points although I cannot say that all are true.  For example I hate being stared at and therefore try not to stare at other people as well. But you can really piss German people off by jaywalking! :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/smatulat Stefanie Matulat

     Great article! I’m German, grew up in Berlin than moved to a little village near Frankfurt am Main when I was 20. I laughed myself to tears! You are so damn right about our crazy habits! By the way, I watch Dinner for One every year. No New Year without Dinner for One :) Ah, and I ate asparagus just 3 days ago. The tasteless white one of course ;) What did Viggo Mortensen once said? “Germans are people too!”

  • Rav

    How to piss off a German, remind them that the English just beat them for the  Euro 2012!

  • Thomas

     Whereas some observations are pretty accurate, most of these are not German-specific, but kinds of problems you would face anywhere in the world – especially if you are paranoid, self centered and ignorant like the author. Some examples?1.) Jaywalking is fined in almost any country in Europe theoretically and no one I know including myself has ever been ticketed.2.) Go to Italy, if you want a real staring contest. Again. This is a very ignorant point of view, that most people would think of as “flirty” or “curious”. If you are not totally paranoid, that is.3.) Just try the opposite: Most Americans or English people take it for granted, that we are working our asses of to learn THEIR language. Instead of being well spirited and showing some kind of gratitude, the author prefers to start a pissing conest. Totally immature.4.) If you really think standing up for your manhood literally means sprinkling the bathroom with piss, that’s fine with me. Must be a happy marriage.5.) Say to an Irish person that you do not like Whisk(e)y, which has a similar base taste and see what they say.6.) Recycling erroneously is one thing. Doing it on purpose is what a 3 year old child would do. Grown Ups, that act like children drive me mad. But that has nothing to do with recycling.7.) Not really news. Instead: Tell the British, that we don’t feel offended by Allo Allo, mainly because nobody knows it here. 8.) You annoy everyone by doing so, even your British friends…‎9.) You are right of course. But being German, it is easy to piss me off. Especially by being preposterous (see, how I added a fancy word no German would understand?)… ;)

  • Andy Barge

    I am from Bavaria and therefore as German as a Highland Scot is English. But strictly speaking I’m a Kraut, too.
    In my opinion the author has failed to mention three extraordinarily annoying German properties.
    One is the total absence of humour. For those who don’t believe me, please go to any place in Ostwestfalen, especially Paderborn, and try to make people laugh by telling jokes or hinting at something. They won’t get it – not for all the tea in China.
    Second, my fellow countrymen are not particularly good at queuing.
    And last but not least we are crap drivers. Pedestrians simply have to obey traffic lights as a life-saving measure.Enjoy the weather whatever it is!

  • Jahoo

    Und nun was zu den “englishspeakers”…zu lesen in meinem Buch über anormale Menschen mit dem Hang englisch reden zu müssen ;)
    Über deren Abkürzungsfimmel…deren Saufverhalten besonders auf iberischen Inseln…und über deren Wahn ständig irgendwo Kriege führen zu müssen ;))

  • Andy Barge

    Dear Max Roald Eckardt,
     
    I think the reason you take exception to this article is that you missed the inherent tongue-in-cheek humour of the author. Are you from Ostwestfalen?
     

  • http://www.facebook.com/pelleboese Pelle Boese

    Haha! <3

  • Arturo Gaona

    jajajajaja I´m Mexican but my girlfriend is from Hamburg and this article its so true! jaja the father of her even has stickers on his toilets differencing  sitzpinklers VS  stehpinklers jajaja….and yeiii  that short movie was shown at me on xmas eve 2 years ago…..nice article

  • e.conner

    I am German and I am going to marry an English in august. During the last five years of our relationship we have had arguments/discussions about each of the topics mentioned above (e.g.: He: “I think all German girls fancy me.” Me: “Why is that?” He: “They keep staring at me. All of them.” Me: “No, they are just looking. That´s normal.” He: “That cannot be true. You are mean.”  Or: Me: “Let´s be decadent today. Let´s have asparagus.” He: “Hm.” Me: “What´s up?” He: “I don´t like white asparagus so much. And I think it´s overpriced.” Me: “What??????”)  
    We laughed our heads off when we read this article. Maybe there was one topic missing: Unfortunately, many of us cannot laugh about ourselves. But the author is too nice to mention the really annoying typical (yes, we are all singular snowflakes) characteristics of Germans.

  • http://www.frankdoerr.de/ Frank

    Very great! Da kann ich sogar als Deutscher laut drüber lachen ;-)

  • Umpitumili

    Hi, sorry to point that out, but you missed some of the “behind the scenes” stuff. you are not allowed to put glass into the containers on the weekend, out of the simple fact of respect, because throwing bottles on other bottles makes hell of a noise. maybe that explains the outrage on a quiet sunday morning – the people just wanted to sleep. same in regard of recycling; quote from an american friend: ” we are way behind you. americans waste everything, water, electricity…” another matter of respect, for we live on the same planet, thx for not noting. and last: it´s sitzpinkler. no s at the end. sorry, you might have stayed here physically but you practically missed it completely to attach and proved the german prejudice, that americans are basically ignorant, another time. cheers.

    • s makes things plural

       You did such an excellent job of demonstrating that other German characteristic… Little anal, eh?

  • Sonja (German)

    Thank you for not mentioning the war! ;-)

    • http://www.facebook.com/sebastian.kister Sebastian Symbolic

      fawlty towers and ze germanz, love that!

  • Anna

    what a completely useless article. nothing else to write about than this crock of shit generalisations?

  • deutschliebhaber

     Thoroughly enjoyed the article. Having spent an extensive amount of time in Germany, myself, I have seen the stereotype German, and even become one in some instances.  I would probably flip too if I saw people putting the bottles in the wrong colors.  And any German who is offended at the stereotype ought to look at the stereotype American, and I’m sure he’ll find his stereotype much more appealing. Who wouldn’t love and environmentally friendly German who loves to follow the rules and vacations in foreign and exotic places?

  • Gehannf

    It’s good when you can laugh about your self! At least I had to especially laugh on the asparagus part :O and I frikkin love it (I mean the asparagus itself)!

  • Piet

    Got another one: beat them at football, especially when the guys beating them are wearing Orange! Stay tuned for the Eurocup. Also, on behalf of all Dutch (that is people from The Netherlands aka Holland), we too have NEVER seen Dinner for One. Had to look it up, laughed at the [citation needed] behind “The Netherlands” on the wiki where they list the countries this sketch is popular.

  • http://www.facebook.com/andre.skokow André Skokow

    oh lol – da hatter Recht! XD

  • B Barrett

    Excellent observation, perfectly matching my own. Funny, actually, we’re still alive (:)-=

  • Jhasdjhas

    hilarious funny!

    dampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänsmützenrandeinfassungszwirn !

    *strike*

  • http://theogoodman.com/ Theo

    Brilliant article
    I would add “creating a draft” “opening a window” or “not opening a window” to the list.
    Years ago I got a ticket for crossing a red light with a bike. There was no traffic. 

  • pit

    Only BERLIN is not GERMANY at all

    • Nate A

      I live in the Oberpfälz, and all of these apply.  Every. Single. One.  Except I love asparagus – both white and green.

  • wooding

    This is brilliant – I love it.  Don’t like piss-off, but annoying the Germans at their smugness & righteousness – yes, yes! I was born in Germany and I  live here, after also living in other European countries. Love the British humour!

  • Bertie

    Oh je, wie platt. 

  • Julien

    I can’t really agree to the “Cross a red light with children” part, but everything else should be send out to each and every german as a replacement for a mirror.

  • Lexi

    I have more–how about trying to make a left turn where there isn’t a separate lane?  That’s a good one–almost gave the German driver behind me cardiac arrest!  Speaking of left lane, try hogging it–as so many Americans do.  The German driver behind you will not hesitate to drive so close to your back bumper you couldn’t insert a tissue between your cars!  Oh–and idle your car more than 5 seconds without turning off the engine.  And let’s talk air conditioning–try leaving the AC on so it works more efficiently–Woo-Hoo, does that piss them off!  You may ONLY turn it on when it’s already scorching hot and can never possibly get cool again.  And in the winter–keep all your windows closed!  Yeah, RIGHT!  Windows must stay open when it’s cold outside for fresh air, and windows must stay CLOSED in the summer to try and trap the tiny bit of cool air that came through the open window at night…Oh, I got a million of ‘em!

    • swanpride

      An American once was very astonished by the concept that honking and using the bright car lights is a serious offense in Germany…but when I explained him that he should imagine someone coming from behind with the much higher speed which is allowed on German highways, blinding you with the lights while honking, he did understand what the issue is.

  • Contact

    where´s the same article about english people ? cant wait for that one! english loud drunk lobsters everywhere around europe,that´s how we know the brits in germany…

  • http://liftingwhat.blogspot.com/ Ulli

    As a German, I LOVE IT. :) :) I could argue that white gold is delish, but hey :) I won’t. This is really mostly all true. very funny :)

  • Abhi Synap

    Paul, don’t be an apologist (re. your first sentence) ;).. 

  • Julie

    Great!
    I am a German and and Paul S. is 99% right. The 1% is for the WHITE GOLD called asparagus. Who said that only the green one is the right one? :-))
    I like Spargel! (white and green although I am German!)

  • http://twitter.com/Debbietech Debbie Eisenach

    I find it very funny.  I would also mention that showing up to the drink market with a huge bag of returnable bottles can also cause some staring.  I often get the huffing and puffing as the person behind me stands there with a nicely organized case of empty water bottles.  Even better is when my children tried putting in spaghetti sauce bottles! 

  • Fu

    Sounds like some Germans have also managed to piss off Paul Sullivan. Tit for tat.

  • angryGermy

    you dont like spargel? Schweinehund

  • some german dude…

    …haha….good ones… here is one more idea for the towels…..if you are to late, take ‘em all and put them on one big “not coordinated” pile.
    -> but that’s all elementary school stuff….

    Really a big and curageous move would be running in a pub wearing a dutch football jersey on wednesday 13th of June.

    Cheers from Hamburg  ;-)
     
    PS: ….’cause its football and not soccer —- hehe

  • Nate A

    Absolutely spot on!  Been living here in Germany for six years now……

    I think you forgot about the German sense of humor. Just read some of the comments!

  • Vivi

    “Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of
    mass outrage, as old men with sticks and pony-tailed schoolgirls alike
    sprint from their houses and hang from their windows to shake their
    fists at your stupidity and ignorance.”

    That reaction would be because it’s rude to the point of being antisocial to throw away glass on a Sunday morning. It causes a godawful racket and people like to sleep in. It’s even printed on the bins that you’re not supposed to use them on Sundays (and during weekdays late in the evening and often over noon, too, because little children are supposed to have a mid-day lie down). 

    Germans throw the wrong colour glass into the bins all the time. The people living next to the bins get mad on you for being an inconsiderate jerk, not for being lazy/stupid/ignorant.

  • OldGermanDude

    Ich werf mich grad weg! Ein sehr genialer und passender Text! Erstaunlich wie man sich selbst oder seine Umwelt in Deutschland plötzlich detailgetreu beschrieben sieht =D

  • Mike Greenstein

    Matador nails it.

    “If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time”.

    • Liza Liebscher Willey

      This is so wonderful, I can’t stop laughing.

    • Anika Holterhof

      dinner for one, recycling, spargel and jaywalking – ko-rrekt!

  • Buzz Covington

    He nailed the vibe there. Having lived in Germany for several years (which I LOVED!), I thought of something he missed… When it is really cold, go start your car up to let it “warm up” before you head off to work. I used to get the most evil looks from my neighbors when I would go back out to leave for work.

    • Chris Volkert

      He’s dead-on, especially about the staring

    • Melissa Cleland Hawkins

      Hahaha! Sitzpinkler! LOL! And, that is soooo true about Dinner for One. I just never got that.

    • Sarah Marinara

      Yes, Buzz, that’s a great one! And in the warmer months, give the lawn a good mow (powered, of course) on a Sunday afternoon if you really want to get your neighbors’ blood boiling. :)

    • Ottmar Straub

      Even if most of what is reported is extremely exaggerated (there are tendencies and to be honest: I don’t like these habits either), I would also try to enlighten you, too, cause that behaviour is really showing a deep unconscious habit you carry. Your comfort isn’t worth the pollution you cause. How bout warm underwear? Here those Germans are right – sorry, bro!

    • Buzz Covington

      But there you are wrong…..my comfort is worth MUCH, MUCH more than the pollution I cause. That is why I drive a big V8 gas-guzzling Suburban, don’t recycle, and air condition my house when it gets the least bit warm. Never underestimate the level of my selfish desires or comfort.

    • Ottmar Straub

      Buzz, I guess you play a game of trying to trigger the German mind. Well done.
      Maybe I am too German to fully understand. I am honestly a bit afraid that you mean it earnest. If that would be true, you’d be a very stupid simple mind. Would you like to enlighten me bout that?

    • Melissa Pernice

      I just took the German driving exam, and it explicitly states in the study book that you should not warm up your car because it’s bad for the environment. It’s even a regular exam question.

    • swanpride

      That’s something a lot of German’s do too, though, depending on the region…for the simple reason that it is sometimes impossible to get the ice from the car without doing it.

  • Stephen Hogg

    True story… I got yelled at by an elderly lady for crossing the the street when the lights were red!

    • Tom Biggs

      True, they didn’t jay walk when I was over there, all stood in a row on a clear road waiting for the green man :-)

    • Stephen Hogg

      This can happen 24 hours a day… Think I shall find some red lights to jay walk later… the simple things in life

  • Stephen Schwedler

    Thank you for that report, I loved it, as a German I admit, all those things are true and soooooo funny… and of course VERY serious. hehe.

  • Gerd Euler

    We Germans really deserve to have a good laugh at us. And it´s true… watching “Diner for one” is one of the most traditional fixed events on new year´s eve, like a christmas tree. Even if you don´t watch it on TV, it´s still there. They will never change the TV-program anytime. Freddie Frinton, the main actor, it is told he was hating or at least dislike germans. But we don´t care. Freddie Frinton is an integral part of german culture, as funny how it goes. Asparagus is not the main food we´re proud of, but in certain regions it is maybe. It´s the same with wine, we have mostly white wine, which is ok, but we never will reach the quality of french, spanish or sometimes italian red wine. It´s not a sunny region we have you know? I´m not so fond of asparagus, but it´s interesting. Certainly the german food is not as famous as let´s say french or italian cuisine, but it´s very good, and if you compare, it´s cheap and will fullfill your senses, there are a lot of specialities in every region, don´t expect something that will blow your mind, but the simple foods are very, very good. The german beer is really good and that´s it. It´s funny watching americans go to a party, american beer has less alcohol and is almost undrinkable. It´s like water to germans. Germans normally drink up to ten german beers (0,5l) or more and then they are drunken except those who have to drive home. The reasonable of those drink two, the other five and still are able to drive home if the police won´t catch them. Most Germans also speak understandable english. If you´re anywhere in germany and you are lost, there´s a good chance there´s somebody is good enough to speak english that you can tell him where the place is you have to go to and a good chance, that even if you lost everything except your trousers that they´ll bring you to a place from that you´ll come home. So you have a nice talk to an american and he understands you, you drink five with him, and you come back from the bathroom and he left because he´s already drunken. The only country that could beat Germany in beerdrinking are maybe the czech. That´s a fact. And it´s true, germans are often not polite, and they are staring at you. On the other hand, germans are very helpful people. If you don´t care about our bad behaviour, you´ll get a friend for life. Germans won´t let you down easily. Germans won´t change their habits, but it´s an honour for them to help you, you should speak frankly what you want to do and they´ll be glad to organize. Never discuss political topics with germans. It´s senseless. It´s a marvelous country with rich history, pretty towns, a lot of nature, good food and excellent beer, good-organized, the people are ok, but if you talk about politics, you´ll end up in talking about either the german guilt or the american imperialism, or problems with muslim foreigners. No need for that. But I think politics and religion is a bad topic in every part of the world to talk about. A good idea is to come to wacken open air. Or any of the Metal Open Air Festivals. While Germans suck due to their bevaviour in normal life, they are really good in organizing parties, listening to the best music whetever it may be classic or metal, the country is really pretty at least, the people have honour. You won´t love the Germans as the french, italian, spanish, greek, portugese people, but if you´re in trouble, the germans are the best to help you solving a problem.

  • Gerd Euler

    It is true that people complain if you cross a red traffic light as a pedestrian, but I think except mothers with children or old people or policemen nobody cares. it is true germans put their trash in different trash containers. I do and I listen to black metal. It is ok. It won´t save the earth maybe, but it´s good bevaviour. On the other hand, no german man would ever regret to pee on a tree or a bush or a fence outside the house. it´s unthinkable in the US or Australia or whereever. In Germany it´s something, you´re born free, you accept a damn lot of rules, feminisn is very strong here, but if you drink beer, no man will say anything bad about you, if you pee on a tree, bush or fence if you take care that nobody´s able to see you while doing it. If a man does, he won´t tell. The same with sitting down on toilet to pee.Women do. No man does. Male men won´t. Gay will. Men who are in feminism will. Real german men won´t ever. If they are not invited next time they won´t care. If they don´t hit the target, they´ll clean it. But real men won´t sit down to pee. Sitzpinkler are gay. Sitzpinkler are german people who like discussions about american imperialism.

  • Ross Goodspeed

    My wife and I just moved from Wiesbaden, Germany and witnessed something very funny pertaining to the strict German recycling movement. Yes, they have separate bins for green, brown, and blue and white glass, but when the truck came to pick it up it DUMPED ALL OF IT into the SAME PART of the truck. Now THAT is German efficiency!

    • Shawn Spradley

      Thought you might appreciate this!

    • Elizabeth Adams Kurkowski

      They just want to make sure that you aren’t colorblind.

    • Ross Goodspeed

      I am colorblind!!!! And that is discrimination !!!!! ;)

    • Justin Elliott Goodspeed

      thats pretty intresting…does that mean that germans pee sitting down outside in the winter?

    • Daniel Oster

      That´s not true, the trucks have different chambers^^

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Yves Nicodem

      Thats an exception. White glass is so much more valuable than others, that usually it will be separated.

    • Pascal Hahu
    • Pascal Hahu
    • Pascal Hahu
    • Pascal Hahu
  • Peter Isac

    I can really sign under this one………it is so true as I also live in Germany………..

  • Jens Christian Nørgaard

    Danes Watch it EVERY year as well! (Dinner for one).

    • Erik Höglund

      As do Swedes…

  • La Lupa

    Thanks a lot for some new “arcane” English words! :)

  • Kim Merrild

    To your surprise “Dinner for one” is also a institution in Denmark AND mandatory to watch on new years eve and is usually broadcasted right after the queens speach… and fun to watch! ;-)

    • Kenneth Skou

      Of course it is.! It’s the most genious work of filmart ever witnessed. The lousy’ist New Year I ever had, was when I got so wasted I forgot to watch “Dinner for one” ;-)

  • Diana Ejsing Werge

    I live in Denmark, and ‘Dinner for one’ is showed every new years eve here aswell. People are almost fanatic about it. If you don’t want to watch it, you’re an outcast for the rest of the evening:P

    • Bjørn Damborg Froberg

      At stjæle mine tanker!

  • Diana Ejsing Werge

    I live in Denmark, and ‘Dinner for one’ is showed every new years eve here aswell. People are almost fanatic about it. If you don’t want to watch it, you’re an outcast for the rest of the evening:P

  • Diana Ejsing Werge

    I live in Denmark, and ‘Dinner for one’ is showed every new years eve here aswell. People are almost fanatic about it. If you don’t want to watch it, you’re an outcast for the rest of the evening:P

  • Franziska Meier

    Nice article ;).
    But what’s this thing about German “staring”?

  • Franziska Meier

    Nice article ;).
    But what’s this thing about German “staring”?

  • Med Det Toftdahl

    Dinner for one IS a staple for new year’s in Denmark!

    • Martin Starch Sørensen

      I’ll kill that cat…

  • Kristi Fuoco

    That was truly inspired. I laughed out loud at EVERY point. I’ve been living in Germany for a year now and man o man….this is so accurate! Ahhh…..a great start to the day!

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Brock Aaron Buckhannon

    THIS is how you write an article like this. This was fun to read and mildly informative. This is much better than the “rant” written by the lady about Vancouverites. Thank you for making me NOT hate this website and its contributors.

  • Sonja Sonny Day

    That’s a really good one! I really had to lough because I could see myself in some situations reacting like the cliché. Just a small hint: Plural of ‘stehpinklers’ is written without the ‘s’. Same for ‘sitzpinklers’ ;) And common males.. Sit down!!

    • Carolina Dominguez

      good info because i really wanna piss off @[653552726:2048:Stephanie Helmchen]!!!!

    • Paul Owens

      I am a master of these already

    • Sonja Sonny Day

      Didn’t expect anything else @Paul Owens !

  • Bjørn Damborg Froberg

    I worked as a lifeguard one summer, and I suspect you could piss of Germans by saying you’re not a fan of the speedo. They seem to be in love with that particular piece of clothing.

  • Fabian Leopold

    Thanks for this honest and very true comment on us ;)

  • Yanone Yanone

    The remark with the Stasi… are you out of your fucking mind?

  • Yanone Yanone

    The remark with the Stasi… are you out of your fucking mind?

    • Rob Keller

      ? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?

    • Rob Keller

      ? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?

    • Rob Keller

      ? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?

    • Rob Keller

      ? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?

    • Yanone Yanone

      For one I just wanted to effectively demonstrate a pissed off German, for laughs :)
      But I’m serious nevertheless. The paragraph about staring is weak. It’s neither funny nor true. Yes, I totally agree that the Stasi was the »most intense surveillance apparatus in European history«. But the author attributes the cause for their existence with a general German nature of staring, which is a *very* stupid thing to say in general, and for a foreigner in particular. And Germans don’t stare, but that’s beside the point of my comment.
      Let me add that I *fully* enjoyed all the other paragraphs.

  • Anni Dillenburger

    I’m German and none of the things above pisses me off even one bit. Neither do I know any German who would get pissed by those things. :P In fact I actually hated white asparagus until about 2 years ago and it’s still not one of my faves. Recycling? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Oh God, there I said it. ;D It’s a funny article, but sadly (unlike many of the other counties’ ones) doesn’t contain much truth. ;)

  • Joanne Wiehahn

    Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)

  • Joanne Wiehahn

    Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)

  • Joanne Wiehahn

    Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)

  • Joanne Wiehahn

    Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)

  • Dietmar Denger

    True, true! Wish those starers a wonderful day and they stare even more. But: Silver goes to Germans, Gold to the dudes in India, that’s my experience.

  • Dietmar Denger

    True, true! Wish those starers a wonderful day and they stare even more & more confused. It’s like in science-fiction movies when aliens invade with human masks. Aloha from Munich, Dietmar (German).

  • Dietmar Denger

    True, true! Wish those starers a wonderful day and they stare even more & more confused. It’s like in science-fiction movies when aliens invade with human masks. Aloha from Munich, Dietmar (German).

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Ana Estelwen

    You forgot the best: mention Hitler. Shocking!

  • Hrishi Tiwari

    tell them you like Rammstein, they will be annoyed :P

  • LinC

    Hahaaa… living nearly my whole life in Germany and I can say although its soooo cliched, it is true. One or the other I have done myself and got annoyed looks and comments! Nevertheless, I don’t think the article should be taken too serious and def not personally. Since I moved to Bangalore some month back I can say that I have so many German traits (being a Indian by origin) that it annoys a lot of ppl at times. What to do, that how we are at times!

  • hanscas

    Very perceptive!

  • Molly

    A Brit, I have lived in Germany for over 30 years – I must be mad!! and alot of this is true, if exaggerated. But some of it ..I see German pedestrians ignoring red lights every day and no-one thinks anything of it. I also know plenty of Germans who aren’t so keen on asparagus. They get cross if you use the bottle banks on Sundays because you’re not supposed to use them on Sundays and in the middle of the night! Ask those who keep loos clean if Sitzpinkeln isn’t a good idea! And you forgot about the German great love for jargon and abbreviations ( even before textspeak) and the way they change personality when driving a car. And a Brit must see how incompetent they are when using roundabouts, stopping to let the cars coming from the right out ( part of their highway code where there are no road signs – strange) and very rarely indicating when leaving the roundabout. Grrr…
    And what about German queues.. for a very disciplined lot utter anarchy!!!

  • Just_Blaze

    You can simply remind them their fathers killed millions of innocent people

  • Jorgel

    What a dreadful article by a woeful “writer”. Have you nothing more constructive to do? At least if this was funny…sigh…I want my wasted time back.

  • MountainBikingViking

    They are also rule followers in other regards. When I tried to sit in the back of a station wagon to go a few kilometers from one house in the country to another they were adamantly against that and made two trips, since such reckless behavior was illegal and dangerous…

  • Susanne

    i’m german. born and raised and now live in the US. i thought this was funny. except for the peeing sitting down part, it’s pretty much right on target. i’ve never heard of a guy peeing while sitting down, unless he’s got to go #2 at the same time. my husband still shakes his head when i go nuts when i find white asparagus in jars, lol. i love that stuff, though i also eat the green variety here. white is just more tender. and people that couldn’t laugh about this are a sad bunch. learn to stop taking everything so seriously.

  • Vanessa

    Hahahahahaha!!!! That’s pretty funny! I’m from Berlin and I have to say that most of the things he wrote are true… even though they are exaggerated… but that’s why it’s so funny and oviously many germans have no humor :-P
    I don’t even know what “Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz” exactly means, it’s not “no” ;-), but sounds like a good made up word for hangman… we like to produce loooong nouns…

    Oh yeah! One thing which is missing: ask them if “Lederhosen” and “Dirndl” are the national cloth… especially when you’re outside bavaria ;-)
    They are so many other things *lol* but I’m pretty sure that every nationality has things like that…

  • Kamile Zaleskyte

    Is it supposed to be mimicking german culture?? I do not agree with this nonsensical article at all! I read a couple of other articles on this page and was actually interested until i found this…
    The first point (crossing the street) does not apply at all.
    The second point is a bit insulting…
    The third point is just… WHAT?!?!?!?
    I’m a girl so i don’t know if guys get annoyed by other guys peeing while standing, but i wouldn’t think so to be honest.
    The next point is also a total bulls**t – lots of germans don’t like asparagus. And you won’t insult anyone by saying you don’t like eating them either.
    Moving on: Recycling is nothing personal or national, it’s just a rule and helps reuse garbage. ALSO if someone puts food into paper bin and you’re not aware of it, it starts to rot without you knowing that and it’s all smelly and sucky, so who would want that????
    Next point is also not really relevant anymore… Sure lots of germans have seen it, but not the younger generation, so this is AGAIN useless.
    Last point is just pure fairy tale again. No such thing would happen. Besides, doesn’t matter whether you’re german or not – aren’t you “pissed” when you come to the pool and there’s no place to sit down?? (You don’t have a spot because you just stayed up late partying and drinking yourself silly so boohoo little baby, man up!)

    God this article sucks.
    Thumbs up to other writers – How to piss off a lithuanian was way better.

  • Christian A. Karch

    Geiler Artikel !!! :D I am German and I find this article AWESOME !!! Well done ;)

  • D. Kruegel

    THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS! How dare you can forget to mention THAT THE BEST WAY TO PISS OFF GERMANS is to be just a little bit LOUDER than the environment! That will GUARANTEE YOU that people will come out to their balconies and SCREAM AT YOU THAT YOU SHOULD SHUT UP OR THEY WILL CALL THE POLICE!

    Another way to piss of most Germans is to think that all of Germany is like stereotypical Bavaria or Berlin.
    ;)

    With the best of my regards, a German.

  • The Kraut

    I like the article. Especially interesting for me is the part with the long words as I have heard it already before. As a german, I would really like to know, if Germans use these long words without that you asked for it? I lived 35 years in 6 different cities in Germany and nobody use these long words in reality that I know including your examples. You found this in a dictionary and ask for it or how does it work?

  • Jürgen Osterberg

    You missed one very important thing: while sitting outside a coffeshop in summer (the traditional ones not the fancy italian style ones), order (just) a cup of coffee. “Draußen gibt es nur Kännchen”.

  • Beate

    Well I’m German and laughed about all that written down up there although it’s only half true. The word Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz means “law for the transfer of control duties of beef labelling” and not No (that would be NEIN)

  • Comment

    The article was moderately funny, but funnier still are the comments: Germans reacting to stereotyping, by proving the biggest stereotype of all time, their total lack of a sense of humour.
    Oh, and I am not German at all. Just spent a totally miserable year in Munich.

  • Smarter German

    Nice try, Paul. Nice try. ;)

  • ecs

    actually, Norwegians know Dinner for One but it’s a Christmas tradition, not a New Years Eve thing.

  • Bob

    I have a
    question. If you were leaving for the last three years in Germany, then I
    suppose that you can German. The only way to understand the German culture is
    speaking the German language as well. I ask you, because I have met a lot of
    People of the United States
    or England or Australia in Germany and most of them can’t
    speak even a basic German. I can’t understand how people could be so stupid to
    learn an easy language. I mean, if I’m leaving in a country (and doesn’t matter
    in which country, could be Italy
    or China)
    longer than a year, I have a personal need to learn the country’s language; otherwise
    I would feel like a cretin.

  • PitBullCH

    Having spent 3.5 years in southern Germany (by the Bodensee) I can confirm all the above comments by the Author – especially around recycling and that damned Spargel (which I absolutely detest myself).

    Having now lived in neighbouring Switzerland for the past nearly 10 years, I’d would though say that the Swiss absolutely beat the Germans when it comes to staring – here they are absolute masters of the long cold stare and the Germans would be powerless to not look away in angst.

    Regarding Dinner For One: yup was introduced to that by my ex’s Kleve-based family the first New Year I spent with them. It’s no world-beating comedy for sure, but it’s funny enough to watch once or even twice a year (the different regional channels show it at different times during New Year’s Eve, so you can easily do repeat viewings if you are eager and drunk enough).

  • Tom

    Dude, you need to localize this shit.
    I guess this is how people from Berlin roll, but if you’re talking about NRW you wanna change Asparagus to Currywurst. Makes a lot more sense. Also you might wanna know that making eye contact in public transport around NRW is a critical offense equal to insulting one’s mother or throwing puppies into oncoming traffic.

  • loliloo

    I am German and i loved reading this article. It is funny and it is just tje experience of one! Everyone has his own meaning of things ans some of you haters have prejudices against other countries/cultures! You also share them and maybe your also wrong. Think of it if you find your brain again!!!!!

  • Oliver

    I hate white asparagus so much :D
    This year I asked my family why everyone got so fucking freaked out while the season! They didn’t know. It is even a every day topic in the nationwide TV news (!) when the weather is too bad for Spargel harvesting, when its to cold for growing Spargel or when the farmers wont find workers for doing the awfully hard work of harvesting white Spargel. And then: when the firs kilos are harvested it is a topic in the morning news, the lifestyle shows, stupid country life shows or smooth program for elderly and of course the “Tagesschau” the News in the first channel at 8pm which is watched by nearly every person in front of a television device at this very moment.

    And it seems to don’t embarrass people to pay about 15€+ per Kilo (2 pounds – if your and our pounds are the same xD) (!) for the first ones of this root, which are specially farmed all across the county with heated pipes of warm water near power plants under foil just to bring this dumb things a few weeks earlier to the markets. WHY does my people pay so much attention on such a f… tasteless root which makes your pee stink?!
    I mean… Germans tend to spend the least percentage of their income on food in Europe and then THIS^^

    I even saw a Spargel based dessert this year: fried Spargel in some kind of caramel sauce with strawberries! Bargh! And the more creative (about two out of ten) ice cream stores sell this spooky Spargel ice cream!

    But sometimes I enjoy the green one with some good meat and butter or so :)

    Hmm… And of course our language is insane. But it is perfectly for writing and we have such beautiful possibilities for express every kind of feelings and very unique words like “Weltschmerz” – try to translate this correctly. You’ll fail and just will be able to use this word and spell it funny like “well-t-smerts” and then just try to explain it ;-)
    It would really surprise me if there is a perfectly matching translation in ANY language!

    So if I talk about translations and stuff:
    Hope there weren’t to dumb wrong things in grammar and expression in this comment. Still learning your really nice, logical and efficient language :D

  • Felix Obschonka

    This is so true about the Germans (each point of it). Appreciate how the article is written, was laughing my ass off. Please more of that!

  • Marita

    Dinner for one airs every year in Norway, too, but is known as Grevinnen og Hovmesteren!

  • Russa03

    You missed a good one: Thinking that Bavarian culture represents all of Germany.

    • swanpride

      Oh yes….that should top the list.
      The article reminds me of something which happened during a travel to Africa. Imagine the following: Someone sits at one table with a French, Argentinian (or was it Brazilian?), English and Spanish couple….and declares in all earnestly that football (I refuse to say soccer) is a boring and overrated sport. True story.

  • voltron101

    How to piss off a German #10: Write a lengthy list on how to piss off a German

  • kaiser

    I am german too and i nearly pissed in my pants. Loved it! To the rest if the germans here: start to reflect and smile!

  • Cristian Alexandru

    Haw Bleibulle mus be to belive this article ???
    By the way> I’m romanian and German(y) are one of the Best in the World.

  • Søren Chr. Nielsen

    Actually, Dinner for One airs every New Year’s Eve in Denmark as well. ;)

  • Kat

    I know I’m late to the party, but … “Dinner for one” is in fact screened every New Year’s Eve in Denmark, too ;-)

  • rene

    i still prefer setting everthing in relation to hitler (or the Stasi, depends to the age of the combatant) – but nice ideas! never recognized that Spargel thing!

  • Jill

    The staring contest… I was raised in a corner house in western Germany. Our winter garden was heading towards the street in about 3m distance. At least once a month people passing by stopped and started staring through our winter garden, into our house. Once in a while they even took out their cameras to take a photo or entered our backyard to see even more.

    My mom got really pissed every time (understandable) that happened.

    After a few years of getting angry she decided to organize a range of “staring back” materials in front of the window. The next time we where having lunch and somebody stopped we all got up from the table, we took our camera, binoculars, newspaper with a hole in it… :D It was the first time we had real fun and them where shocked turning away :)

  • Icke

    Haha du Flitzpiepe. Du solltest mal hören, was originale Berliner über Backpfeiffengesichter wie dich denken!

  • Guest

    some truth and some exaggeration, and some or a lot of condescending behavior, now all the Americans (and I am one of them) who think that Germans get pissed off if you stereo type the, grab your own nose, and write a similar article how to piss off an American (I will help you: talk about politics or religion, better argue about both, point out that the country was built by immigrants, ask how many languages they speak, ask them any geographical question, point out the the allies won WW2, and that Russia was one of them, show them they own hypocrisy, point out their intolerance when talking about freedom of speech etc….) I think a just as entertaining article could be written then

  • Meera

    how to piss off a German, write an article about pissing them off :)

  • ♡*:..٩(๑′∀ ‵๑)۶..:*♡

    Hahahahahahaha! I’m german as hell and I can’t stop laughing! *bow*
    I don’t know how people can say this article is wrong? It seems they don’t live in germany (or don’t understand irony). Think you describe us perfectly. Don’t take this to serious. I mean we can write a article like this one about americans, europeans and asia people. We have sterotyps all over the world. It is like it is.

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