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BEFORE YOU READ ON, know that I am genuinely fond of Germans and Germany. For the last three years I have lived in Berlin. I have German friends and deal with German people on a daily basis. My experiences here have been overwhelmingly positive, but you don’t live in a place this long without learning a few things. Here, then, are some surefire ways to upset a German person, should you need to….
Cross at a red light (with small children)
The simplest and best way to provoke some classic Teutonic anger is to meander across the road when the light is showing red. You’ll be risking a fine for jaywalking and you may even be mowed down by a speeding vehicle, but it’s worth it to witness the expressions awaiting you on the other side of the road. Elderly, hunched women, beefy tattooed workmen in overalls, sensible parents authoritatively clutching their young children – all united in their righteous mix of incomprehension, disgust and outrage. For maximum impact, skip across the street with a couple of small children, whistling cheerfully as you go.
Stare back at them using binoculars
If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time. In places like the UK and the USA, staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time can get you yelled at, punched or even killed. In Germany, staring openly is something that just happens – like breathing, walking or developing a long and unnecessarily complex vocabulary (see below). People here don’t just stare at you, they stare through you, mostly through genuine curiosity but sometimes critically (it’s no coincidence that the most intense surveillance apparatus in European history, the Stasi, occurred in East Germany). Staring back only creates a stand-off which no one can win, so the best counter-attack is to use the element of surprise: whip out a pair of small binoculars and return eye contact at close range. Failing that, ask loudly (through a megaphone if you can find one) if they’d care to take a photograph.
Use fancy English words they don’t understand
Most Germans (of a certain age) speak very good English, which makes them slightly smug, especially when only three non-natives in the history of the world have ever been able to master German. This is mainly because many German words, as Mark Twain once noted, are “so long that they have a perspective.” One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”. The longest word in English, Antidisestablishmentarianism, is pathetic in comparison, so a long-word battle isn’t going to work. Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace. This method is guaranteed to replace the smugness on your companion’s face with something way more anxious.
Urinate standing up
This one is for men (obviously) and is based on a subtle cultural anomaly in Germany where men tend to pee sitting down. There’s even a name for men who do this: sitzpinklers; those who insist on standing — and therefore spraying, maintain the (mostly female) critics — are called stehpinklers. This is not a massively advertised national trait and applies mostly to domestic situations; even the most house-trained German men don’t wee sitting down in clubs or public toilets. But it’s a very real phenomenon and you may well find pro-sitzpinkler stickers adorning lavatories. So in order to be ultra-annoying, you need only (literally) stand up for your male rights.
Say you don’t like asparagus, especially if it’s white
Germans are – there’s no other way to put this – absolutely, uncontrollably cuckoo-crazy about asparagus (spargel). It’s been dubbed the ‘vegetable of kings’ and ‘edible ivory’. What’s more, it’s not the usual green variety they obsess over, but white asparagus, which the rest of the world generally regards with suspicion. More of the stuff is eaten in Germany than anywhere else in the world except Switzerland. From the end of April to the end of June they literally eat nothing else, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Normally sensible restaurants transform their menus into a list of asparagus recipes, wooden huts pop up at roadsides, and public toilets absolutely reek of the stuff. While Germans are generally not known to spend large amounts of money on food, they’d sell their own grandmothers to land them some-o’-that ‘White Gold’. So if you are ever invited for dinner during asparagus season, advising them you are not a fan of the stuff, “especially the tasteless white version,” will guarantee you instant enmity, if not a good kicking and deportation.
Recycle erroneously
Germans were busy recycling things back when most of us were still learning how to use our opposable thumbs. Hence their recycling infrastructure, refined over various millennia, has very strict rules involving colored bins for different forms of rubbish (plastic, tin, food etc.) and a veritable army of binmen rumbling about the place. As well as the recycling systems that are inherently part of each household, you’ll also find large green, white and brown containers on the street, which are used for correspondingly colored glass bottles. To irk a decent segment of any local neighbourhood or town, simply rock up to these containers with a trolley full of bottles and start placing them in the wrong units. Even a quiet street on a Sunday morning will quickly witness scenes of mass outrage, as old men with sticks and pony-tailed schoolgirls alike sprint from their houses and hang from their windows to shake their fists at your stupidity and ignorance.
Break the news that no one outside Germany has seen Dinner For One
Asking a German person if they know Dinner For One is a guaranteed way to make their eyes light up. The film is about a bonkers aristocrat (Miss Sophie) who celebrates her 90th birthday with friends who, given they’ve all died off, are imaginary. Her butler, James, comically fills in for each of them, mimicking their voices, drinking their toasts in turn and getting steadily more sloshed. It’s been shown every New Year’s Eve in Germany since the early 70s and is nothing short of a national institution. When your acquaintance, hours later, is done enthusing and quoting, quietly point out to them that, despite holding a Guinness Record for the most aired TV program in history, Dinner For One has never, ever been screened in Britain or the States, and only a few times in Australia.
Set your alarm and grab the sun loungers first
Yep – you can even annoy Germans outside their own country. Vacationing Deutsch folk are notorious worldwide for their lounger-bagging. So much so, that in 2009, Thomas Cook set up a booking service to help Germans bag their loungers before they’d even boarded the plane. For maximum vexation, set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers with towels. (Extra points if the towels are imprinted with a Union Jack). 
Paul Sullivan
Paul Sullivan is a freelance writer, author, editor and photographer covering music, travel and culture. His writing and photography work has been published in The Guardian, Sunday Times Travel, National Geographic UK, Matador Network, Wax Poetics, XLR8R and more, and he has scribed/snapped several guidebooks for Time Out, HG2, Rough Guide, Cool Camping and others. He currently lives in Berlin, where he runs the sustainable travel portal Slow Travel Berlin. Check out his photography website, follow him on Twitter or join hisFacebook photography page.
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I worked as a lifeguard one summer, and I suspect you could piss of Germans by saying you’re not a fan of the speedo. They seem to be in love with that particular piece of clothing.
Thanks for this honest and very true comment on us
The remark with the Stasi… are you out of your fucking mind?
The remark with the Stasi… are you out of your fucking mind?
? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?
? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?
? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?
? You wouldn’t agree they were the “most intense surveillance apparatus in EU history”?
For one I just wanted to effectively demonstrate a pissed off German, for laughs
But I’m serious nevertheless. The paragraph about staring is weak. It’s neither funny nor true. Yes, I totally agree that the Stasi was the »most intense surveillance apparatus in European history«. But the author attributes the cause for their existence with a general German nature of staring, which is a *very* stupid thing to say in general, and for a foreigner in particular. And Germans don’t stare, but that’s beside the point of my comment.
Let me add that I *fully* enjoyed all the other paragraphs.
I’m German and none of the things above pisses me off even one bit. Neither do I know any German who would get pissed by those things.
In fact I actually hated white asparagus until about 2 years ago and it’s still not one of my faves. Recycling? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Oh God, there I said it. ;D It’s a funny article, but sadly (unlike many of the other counties’ ones) doesn’t contain much truth. 
Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)
Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)
Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)
Dinner for one is shown every new year’s eve in South Africa (20 years & counting..)
I remember that too, or wash a car…..;o)
Thank goodness for that, journalists are awful…
it gets worse: in most cities washing your car in your drive way or on the street (i.e. flushing the waste water in the public drains) is no longer allowed (oil/lead etc. pollution)
How do they survive? And they cycle on cyle paths and even have traffic lights for cyclists. Groan. And – god help them – the public transport! Safe, on time, affordable! What next? World domination???
Nah, we tried the world domination thing… that didn’t work out at all…
Hahahaa, please tell me you made a joke! the hitler-stuff made my day! keep crossing red lights in front of kids and show them how democrats walk!
nice joke, really…
“…there must happen much more accidents at crossings with little children involved. which is propably not the case. ”
Evidence ?
You are an idiot.
This is a disgusting comment that goes too far.
… or on the sidewalk.
your mom is a democrat.
you are an sabine
so you like hip hop too? nice…..
Michael Perretta, better known as Evidence (born December 10, 1976 in Los Angeles, California), is an American hip hop artist, producer, and member of the rap group Dilated Peoples.
Welll, ‘mama’, you are unreasonable.
Hope you once have to watch the remains of one of your loved ones scraped off the road, after your error of judgement has worked out decisively…
u really just want at least one like for your comments, don’t you?
sorry “Grevinnen og Hovmesteren”… Otherwise some points are spot on, especially I share the sentiment on the Spargel enthusiasm going on here.
Well, I am not doing her that favour! BTW, mama, it’s many more, not much more, accidents. Accidents is quantifiable (you do know what that means, right?), but considering your nonsensical comments, the finer points of language are probably beyond your grasp.
*ist mir nocht nicht aufgefallen.
If you were reading the Stars and Stripes, the reason these were two of the longest years of your life is that you were not really living in Germany – US military bases or housing areas don’t count – but were surrounded by too many of the types of Americans who thought Germany (even in the 90′s) should be considered a hardship post and they should draw hazard pay. After all there was the possibility one may have to drive on those dangerous German roads with … oh no, wait for it … Germans(!) to get to the PX or Commissary. Not kidding – heard these types of comments all the time for many years. You should go back as a civilian and actually experience the country and it’s people.
You would become a popular man in Denmark for saying that
* noch
I’m not a huge fan of staring, but I’m also not really fond of people who throw the word “natural” around like that. Different cultures are different. Sorry it bothers you, but get a grip.