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A collection of classic travel quotes to sharing lighthearted wit about the joys and sorrows of travel.

**UPDATE 12/19/11: Partly inspired by this article and its thousands of readers, Matador has published our first book, No Foreign Lands. The book takes 100 of the most memorable quotes ever spoken or written about travel, and juxtaposes them over striking travel images from Matador’s extended community of photographers.

THE USUAL COLLECTION of travel quotes tend to focus on inspiration and reflection. These, however, are meant to tickle your funny bone, and remind you of the inherent humor of the journey.

1. “When you come to a fork in the road….take it” – Yogi Berra

2. “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin

3. “If you’ve seen one redwood tree, you’ve seen them all.” – Ronald Reagan

4. “I’ve been to Paris. And it ain’t that pretty at all.” – Warren Zevon, from the song Ain’t That Pretty At All

5. “Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversations.” — Elizabeth Drew

6. “Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.” – Dave Barry

7. “The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.” – Dave Barry

8. “Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

9. “The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.” – Russell Baker

10. “You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.” – Charles Kuralt

11. “You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

12. “Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Old Haitian Proverb

13. “Canada is the vichyssoise of nations – it’s cold, half French and difficult to stir.” – Stuart Keate

14. “On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.” – Lewis Grizzard

15. “Gaiety is among the most outstanding features of the Soviet Union.” – Joseph Stalin

16. “San Francisco is like granola. Take away all the fruits and the nuts and all you have left are the flakes.” – Unknown

17. “France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” – Billy Wilder

18. “Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.” – Steve Martin

19. “Climbing K2 or floating the Grand Canyon in an inner tube. There are some things one would rather have done than do.” – Edward Abbey

Always look out for the hostage Buddha / Photo: antwerpenR

20. “There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California.” – Edward Abbey

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places”. – Henny Youngman

23. “Two great talkers will not travel far together.” – Spanish Proverb

24. “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.” – Yogi Berra

25. “I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad.” – George Bernard Shaw

26. “I had a prejudice against the British until I discovered that fifty percent of them were female.” – Raymond Floyd

27. “Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.” – Unknown

28. “When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money”. – Unknown

29. “Knock Knock! Who’s there? Tibet! Tibet who? Early Tibet and early to rise!” – Aha Jokes

30. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain

Add your favorite funny travel quotes in the comments section below!

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About The Author

Henri Bauholz

Henri Bauholz studied color photography at Syracuse University and has had numerous gallery shows in Louisiana and Texas. Now living in Maine, he writes part-time and blogs at ZenLoonatic.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Love the last one.

  • Hamed

    Bullet Tooth Tony: A bookie’s got blagged last night.
    Avi: Blagged? Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the *bleeping* language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.
    - Snatch (2000)

    • http://thefutureisred.com Leigh

      I love that film.

      You have anything to declare?

  • mason in mississippi

    oh yeah, definitely lovin the last one.

  • http://www.theaussienomad.com Chris – The Aussie Nomad

    hehe they are pretty good. I do like 27 and 30 though.

  • http://www.packandexplore.com Craig

    Here’s my own: “The adventures that seem the scariest, most difficult and dangerous are usually the ones that you will look back on, smile about and remember forever.” –Craig Guillot.

    • Kiki

      Yes…you are right Graig. Those things made me smile. I wont forget that moment when I lost my way while travelling alone.

  • http://wheretherebedragons.com Tim Patterson

    I like the hostage Buddha photo.

    • http://www.holisticwithhumor.com/ Christine Garvin

      Thanks, Tim. I laughed a bit uncontrollably when I found it.

  • http://nancythegnomette.com Nancy

    Oh Yogi Berra, thanks for all the amusement. Cool list!

  • msnovtue

    Best travel advice I ever heard:

    “Never stand when you can sit; never sit when you can lie down, and by God, if you find a clean toilet, use it!”

  • http://matadortravel.com/travel-community/simonemarie Simone Gorrindo

    These really did make me smile. As a native San Franciscan, I loved this one: “There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California.”

    Also, the redwood quote. That’s a famous one that’s only hilarious (yet painful) because it was said in seriousness. To a bunch of San Franciscans. Ayyyy.

  • http://www.pedrozaplace.com/blog1 John Pedroza

    Very cool quotes.

  • http://thefutureisred.com Leigh

    This page was recommended to me by @TheTravelTart when I was online complaining about how badly disorganized I am every time pack.

    Of course, I’d already seen it, but was happy to read them all again.

  • Henri B.

    Dear BNT,
    Thanks for adding the two pictures. I especially like the snow scene.
    Best of luck to everyone,

    Henri

  • http://www.shorttraveltips.com Vi @ Travel Tips

    Good one :)

    And thanks Henri, it really makes to smile :)

  • http://www.africansands.com African Sands

    I loved the quotes. Mark Twain rules – so here is another one I live by from him! “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” — Mark Twain

  • nomad

    “the open road is the school of doubt in which man learns faith in man.” -pico iyer

  • http://www.aswetravel.com Sofia

    Hahaha spot on! I can relate to so many people I’ve met when travelling who would rather have done things than do them..

    Can I add one? “Travelling is like flirting with life”, I like that perspective… :)

  • Cassandra

    Travel broadens the mind – but you must have the mind. G.K. Chesterton

  • naxi

    hey … loveed it

  • http://www.kawapanga.com Ingrida

    :))) Oh i loved these quotes! It probably took long time to collect them all together. Great job!

  • http://www.atravelaroundtheworld.com marta

    it’s so funny!
    I heard n 3 before but only now after visiting the Sequoia and Yosemite NP I know what my cousin meant eh eh

  • http://www.leoastrologyguide.com Mr. Astrology

    Thanks Tim the hostage Buddha photo is really funny :)

  • http://www.travelworth.com Vivian

    ‘Traveling is a fool’s paradise. Our first journeys discover to us the indifference of places. At home I dream that at Naples, at Rome, I can be intoxicated with beauty and lose my sadness. I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the stern fact, the sad self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from.’

    -Mark Twain

    Nice post !

  • http://tripideas.org/ Slava

    Loved one about kilometers. Well, that was Carlin, the greatest of them all!

    A small contribution:
    “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. ” -Source unknown

  • http://www.bbb.org/central-northern-western-arizona/business-reviews/coin-dealers-supplies/republic-monetary-exchange-llc-in-phoenix-az-1000004164/ Republic Monetary

    Number 15 by Stalin is priceless! I could totally see Kim Jong-Ill saying the same things about North Korea!

  • http://www.rhymemeasmile.blogspot.com Rhyme Me a Smile

    I linked to this post in my most recent rhyme. I hope it brings blog traffic to you from readers of mine. :o)

    Happy Holidays!

    Rhyme Me a Smile

  • http://www.thetraveltart.com Anthony The Travel Tart

    Here’s mine!

    I Only travel so I don’t run out of dinner party conversations…

    Cheers
    Anthony

  • http://www.tourcompanyreviews.com Ben Arlo

    This is a great bunch of travel quotes. Let silliness reign!

    Take a gander at another funny travel related list.

    http://www.tourcompanyreviews.com/travel-zine-best-funny-reasons-to-travel-in-10-words

  • http://www.swomconnect.com warren

    We can label amazing experiences with memorable quotes. Thanks for sharing your arsenal of travel quotes that can make you smile.

  • http://www.greatpoem.tumblr.com Emily

    “One who walks in another’s tracks leaves no footprints.”

  • http://idontcarequotes.com carequotes

    “ In America there are two classes of travel – first class, and with children.”

    -Robert Benchley

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_KZBOOXAFDA2OYBOFCTAXJJGU5A Juno Mclaughlin

    “Two great talkers will not travel far together.” – Spanish Proverb
    This quote really made me smile :D
    http://touringbuddy.com/

  • Mari

    Agree with most, loved all.
    Particularly n. 8

  • http://www.bedandbreakfast-casaceedina.com Bed and breakfast Portugal

    “A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.”

  • SMILE!!!!!=D

    Smile, it is the second best thing one can do with one’s lips……

  • SMILE!!!!!=D

    If you havent seen your wife/husben smile at a traffic cop, then you have not seen her/his prettiet/handsomest…

  • http://yodaquotes.org/ yoda quotes

    An English man does not travel to see
    English men.

    -Laurence Sterne

     

  • http://www.austrianalpineholidaysblog.com/ Linda

    I haven’t been everywhere yet…. but it’s on my list! 
    - Susan Sontag

  • http://www.electroknol.com/ Social Media Buddy

    “Travellers have better sense of living  then Scholars ” by Sunil PrataP Singh

  • anthony

    i went to los angeles last year.. i realised “she lived in my heart and paid no rent for it”. i was sold !!

  • Silver Back Gorilla Tours

    Great humor about Paris.

  • Roman Onillon

    The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.

  • Go Vietnamvisa
  • Wild Fun Adventures

    On safari in Masai Mara during the great migration a tourist witnessing the extraordinary spectacle of thousands upon thousands of wildebeests and other game animals on the ‘stampede’ with no sight of where it starts or where it ends asked “Are these adult safari ants?” – Karis.

  • Friends of Usambara Society

    “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin.
    You guy don’t afraid walking, trekkig, hiking+++ are much recomend to you If you are real in need to explore+adventere! awesome lets arrange your trip in the Usambaras!

  • DrSteve Ramsey

    “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places! I think it is about time to change my doctor.

  • Saibal Rakhit

    great

  • Beyond the Diploma

    “You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” This one made me laugh today!

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