**UPDATE 12/19/11: Partly inspired by this article and its thousands of readers, Matador has published our first book, No Foreign Lands. The book takes 100 of the most memorable quotes ever spoken or written about travel, and juxtaposes them over striking travel images from Matador’s extended community of photographers.
THE USUAL COLLECTION of travel quotes tend to focus on inspiration and reflection. These, however, are meant to tickle your funny bone, and remind you of the inherent humor of the journey.
1. “When you come to a fork in the road….take it” – Yogi Berra
2. “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin
3. “If you’ve seen one redwood tree, you’ve seen them all.” – Ronald Reagan
4. “I’ve been to Paris. And it ain’t that pretty at all.” – Warren Zevon, from the song Ain’t That Pretty At All
5. “Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversations.” — Elizabeth Drew
6. “Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.” – Dave Barry
7. “The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.” – Dave Barry
8. “Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt
9. “The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.” – Russell Baker
10. “You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.” – Charles Kuralt
11. “You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra
12. “Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Old Haitian Proverb
13. “Canada is the vichyssoise of nations – it’s cold, half French and difficult to stir.” – Stuart Keate
14. “On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.” – Lewis Grizzard
15. “Gaiety is among the most outstanding features of the Soviet Union.” – Joseph Stalin
16. “San Francisco is like granola. Take away all the fruits and the nuts and all you have left are the flakes.” – Unknown
17. “France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” – Billy Wilder
18. “Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.” – Steve Martin
19. “Climbing K2 or floating the Grand Canyon in an inner tube. There are some things one would rather have done than do.” – Edward Abbey
20. “There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California.” – Edward Abbey
21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
22. “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places”. – Henny Youngman
23. “Two great talkers will not travel far together.” – Spanish Proverb
24. “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.” – Yogi Berra
25. “I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad.” – George Bernard Shaw
26. “I had a prejudice against the British until I discovered that fifty percent of them were female.” – Raymond Floyd
27. “Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.” – Unknown
28. “When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money”. – Unknown
29. “Knock Knock! Who’s there? Tibet! Tibet who? Early Tibet and early to rise!” – Aha Jokes
30. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain
Add your favorite funny travel quotes in the comments section below!
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Henri Bauholz studied color photography at Syracuse University and has had numerous gallery shows in Louisiana and Texas. Now living in Maine, he writes part-time and blogs at ZenLoonatic.
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