The 15 Worst Tragedies That Can Happen To a Mexican Traveling Abroad
1. Losing your documents.
You’re probably thinking “wouldn’t that be a tragedy for anyone?”. Yes my dear reader, but only a Mexican knows the exhaustive amount of time it will take to replace your driver license or passport, your office or school ID, and the list goes on … there’s nothing worse than the bureaucracy in Mexico.
2. Falling in love.
Let’s be honest, Mexicans are amorous by nature, and falling in love outside of Mexico is a real tragedy for us. Yes, it is more of a problem than a blessing. If this is your case, you’re faced with: “what if I stay and live with him / her?”… “And if we both go to Mexico?”… “And if he/she doesn’t want to leave his/her country?”…”Can we survive a long distance relationship?”…and the dreaded,”fuck, I have a partner in Mexico” or even worse, “I don’t have a visa to stay…who cares… I’ll stay illegally for a while, I’ll do anything for true love”.
3. Becoming intolerant to grasa.
Your body will thank you for this trip abroad because you’re not going to be eating fatty food. No more tacos, tostadas, quesadillas and pozole. This trip is going to give you energy and will clean your intestines. BUT CAUTION! Your return will be painful. You’ll spend several hours in the bathroom lamenting your love for real Mexican food.
4. Losing your resistance to spiciness.
Especially if you’ve spent a lot of time outside of Mexico and if you are in a country where the food isn’t spicy or doesn’t have many condiments. You’ll be the laughing stock of your friends and family when you return to Mexico and you ask for your elote con chile del que no pica.
5. The parties.
Doesn’t matter if it’s a party at a friend’s house, in a bar or a nightclub, it will be a real tragedy. You won’t recognize the music, it is very likely that someone wants to dance as much as you do, the drinks and snacks are strange, and of course, nobody wants to listen to cumbia. The party will be worse if it includes karaoke; you don’t know any of their songs and if you want to sing a ranchera, no one will sing along with you.
6. Losing your Mexican picardía.
Before leaving your country you had the wonderful ability to use words with double meanings in order to make a joke or a word play and everyone applauded you for that. You know how sad it is to be the only one who laughs when someone says something that has a double meaning? Your brain will begin to forget this ability and you will become a cold, direct and boring person. HOW AWFUL!
7. Not flirting as much as you thought you would.
Your friends will tell you, “You ‘ll be fresh meat”, “they’ll love your dark skin”, “you’ll be the exotic one”, “everyone will flirt with you” … and there you go all excited waiting for a thousand indecent proposals. It is true that people on the street pay more attention to you and you are an interesting person at parties, but don’t have high expectations because sometimes things don’t go as your friends told you they would.
8. Losing your Mexican expressions.
Your new friends won’t understand you when you say “chingón” or “chido”, and your insults will become obsolete. You need to modify your expressions if you want others to understand you. You’re going to be the mockery of your friends when you’re back home with your new accent and slang.
9. Getting sick.
No matter where you are or where you go, getting sick away from home is always the worst. But if you’re Mexican, this tragedy is multiplied by ten. You don’t have any of your herbs or homemade medicines; your wonderful friends are far away; nobody is going to visit you; and of course, you don’t have your Mom to pamper you, which is the only good thing about getting sick, anyway!
10. Worrying about social situations.
Kindness is a skill that Mexicans have perfected, but when you’re outside of Mexico it becomes a curse because you worry too much about offending the locals. Are the people here punctual? How should I dress for a party? Should I buy a gift? Do people greet each other with a kiss? Can I hug someone in public? Is this country gay-friendly? Will they be offended if I ask for salt? Am I talking too loud? Is the bill divided equally or does everyone pay their share?
11. Existential questions.
Maybe it’s because we watch too many “telenovelas”, but Mexicans are professional at being melodramatic. The worst thing that can happen is an attack of existential questions during your trip: what am I doing here? Why am I alone? Am I doing what I really want to do? Am I happy? Have I taken the right decisions? These attacks are more common if you are alone, facing a beautiful landscape on an important event (your birthday, Christmas, New Year , etc.).
12. Missing loved ones.
Do not lie, Mexican, we love our families and our friends. And while traveling is an enriching experience, there will be times when you’ll want to share a place, a time or a sunset with that special friend back home.
13. Airport checks.
We like to fill our luggage with little treasures but if it’s your unlucky day then you’ll get checked by customs. Real suffering is when they confiscate your hot sauce, that wonderful bottle of mezcal you had saved, your Mexican candies and even your bar of abuelita chocolate that you brought well hidden in your socks. No matter how much you cry or beg, they will not have mercy on you.
14. Saying goodbye.
Mexicans are well received in many parts of the world. We generally have a good reputation and it is easy for us to make new friends. Within a few days, we generate strong bonds of friendship and empathy with people around us. But this is a disadvantage when it’s time to say goodbye. You’ll feel strange, nostalgic and even sad to think that you have to go home and leave all your new friends behind. Pinches Mexicanos, we are very melodramatic.
15. Having a great trip
I dare to say that every Mexican always knows how to enjoy an adventure outside our beautiful country …and that’s the worst tragedy of all. The more we enjoy our trip, the more confused and sad we are to return. Only a Mexican knows how hard it is to return to the routine and discover that everything is as we left it, that we are strangers in our own home and we have no other option but to start planning our next trip …