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11 Ways to Humiliate Yourself in England

by Lauren Williams Aug 21, 2015

1. Be overly affectionate.

We just don’t know how to handle your European face kissing thing. One kiss or two? What, three? It confuses us and makes us awkward as hell, forcing us into a kind of face-jig. If you insist on touching us, a really quick reluctant hug will do.

2. Order a light beer at the bar.

A light what? Who? You’re kidding, right? You’ll have a pint of ale and be happy with it.

3. Expect Yorkshire Pudding to be pudding.

Nope. A Yorkshire Pudding is the holy grail of savoury goodness, reserved for cold Sunday afternoons when only a roast dinner cooked by your nan will fill your boots and warm your cockles. Best served with enough gravy to drown a small town.

4. Wait for table service.

You’ll be waiting a damn long time if you think you’re going to get table service in the majority of England’s pubs. Check your table number and head to the bar to place your order.

5. Don’t leave London.

Ok, so our capital is pretty special to say the least. We’ve got Big Ben and Queenie, Camden Market and Notting Hill Carnival. But the rest of our country ain’t half bad either. Head north to the Peak District to climb mountains and ramble the days away in rolling countryside, go south to Cornwall for idyllic beaches and hunt down the Beatles in Liverpool. Our cultures, accents and signature foods change every hour you drive away from the city and, fortunately, we don’t all look like we’ve come straight out of Shoreditch.

6. Expect public transport to be on time.

Hahahahaha! No.

7. Only prepare for one weather.

This is England. It can rain, be misty, thunder and lightning, be sunny and snow all within 24 hours. Pack your mac in your rucksack and you’ll thank yourself later.

8. Think England, the UK and Great Britain are the same thing.

We can’t make it easy, can we? England is just that, England. Great Britain is England, Scotland and Wales. The United Kingdom is Great Britain and Northern Ireland. We’re also part of Europe and the EU just to further confuse things for you.

9. Wear jeans and sleeves when the sun is out.

If the sun is shining in England, we dig out our flip flops and summer dresses and shorts and t-shirts without hesitation. Who cares if it’s February? It might not be sunny again for a whole year! We need to soak up as much vitamin D as possible, even if it gives us frostbite. Just because it’s warm all the time in your country doesn’t mean you need to be smug about it.

10. Not putting your cutlery together when you finish a meal.

Your waiter or waitress won’t know you’ve finished eating until you do this, so please don’t huff and click your fingers to have your plates taken away if your knife and fork are still straddling your plate.

11. Jumping the queue.

We take this queuing thing deadly seriously. Get to the back or risk being frowned at by an entire nation.

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