Photo: BlueOrange Studio/Shutterstock

15 Differences Between a Normal Mom and a Portland Mom

Portland Culture
by Henry Miller Aug 16, 2015


A normal mom enjoys afternoon walks that end with dinner back home with the family.
A Portland mom enjoys hiking Mt. St. Helens with a homemade dinner for four on her back so you can have a feast while watching the sunset over the Cascades.


A normal mom really enjoys a relaxing day by the pool.
A Portland mom really enjoys grabbing a case of craft beer with her buds and floating down a notoriously dangerous river on a makeshift raft made out of air mattresses and coolers.


A normal mom packs a healthy lunch for you to take to school.
A Portland mom builds a vegetable garden on her lawn so your lunch is healthy, fresh and literally homegrown.


A normal mom can inflate your bike tires if they go flat.
A Portland mom can take apart and reassemble your entire bike in less time than it takes a marine to reassemble an M-16.


A normal mom will tell you the importance of gender equality and that you should research the Suffragette movement.
A Portland mom wants you to memorize the Vagina Monologues for your middle school talent show, especially if you’re a cisgendered boy.


A normal mom will punish their children by sending them to their room for misbehaving.
A Portland mom will punish their children by having them play-act their emotions in order to come to a constructive conclusion about their misbehavior.


A normal mom helps you pick out your jacket and tie for your first real job interview.
A Portland mom helps you find the right beanie to match with that flannel.


A normal mom doesn’t want you to go to strip clubs.
A Portland mom wants to know why she saw you in her *favorite* strip club.


A normal mom tells you she loves you.
A Portland mom writes a sonnet comparing her love of you to her love of Douglas Firs and smoked salmon.


A normal mom wants you to explore.
A Portland mom wants you to climb around the west face of Mt. Hood while she walks around the east, so that you both will have stories to share when you meet on the other side.


A normal mom doesn’t want you to do drugs.
A Portland mom is worried her high school friends are going to try to get you to smoke weed with them.


A normal mom tells you to wait until you are 18 before you start drinking beer.
A Portland mom has been letting you have an occasional glass of wine for dinner since you were twelve, because “the Northwest is really the Europe of the United States.”


A normal mom misses you when you are gone.
A Portland mom shows you how much you are missing every day you spend away from her. (Yesterday, it was pictures of her skydiving with your high school girlfriend.)


A normal mom helps you decorate your first apartment.
A Portland mom helps you cut, carve, sand, and lacquer your furniture for your first apartment.


A normal mom is worried that you are too young to take care of a puppy.
A Portland mom is worried that the chicken coop she is working on is giving away your surprise 5th birthday present. 


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