1. Fabric wrinkles are worse than nails on a chalkboard.
You hate ironing but hate creased button-ups, bed linens, kitchen towels and boxers even more. You accept that you might have a handed down minor case of OCD.
2. You certainly don’t sweat.
Mama always said that southern ladies glisten in the heat, and you prefer that description to ‘sweaty, hot mess’
3. You cherish tattered, stained index cards with Mawmaw and Mama’s handwritten recipes.
You return to these canned-soup casseroles, butter-laden cobblers and mayo-based salads when you need a taste of home.
4. You rarely resort to swear words.
You had your mouth washed out with soap more times than you care to admit, and the fear of punishment stuck. Four-letter profanities are reserved for few occasions, like when you scorch the crust of a made-from-scratch apple pie.
5.You can’t host a simple get-together.
Fine china and four-course menus are required for dinner guests. You make a Pinterest board for every party and prepare at least a dozen dishes, including options for gluten-free, vegan, kosher and lactose-intolerant friends. The house must be spotless, so you dust and vacuum, even though you cleaned two days ago.
6. Your favorite vegetable is fried okra.
As a kid, deep-fried was the only way you’d eat anything green. As an adult, your palate is more refined, but there’s still a special place in your heart and stomach for okra.
7. A southern drawl sneaks in when you visit Mom.
Suddenly words are enunciated differently, and you’re saying things like “Bless her heart.”
8. You ask the waiter for a Shirley Temple.
Mom let you order Shirley Temples when you dined with adults so that you could feel like a grown up. When you’re DD, you still get that sickly sweet combo of Sprite and Grenadine with a little umbrella.
9. You practice old-fashioned etiquette.
You hold the door open for strangers of either sex, write thank-you notes for gifts, and have a solid handshake. You never go to someone’s house without flowers, wine, beer or food for the host. You say “please,” “thank you,” “yes, sir,” and “no, ma’am.” You keep your elbows off the table and know which silverware goes with every meal course. And you always RSVP before the deadline.
10. You outshine Martha Stewart.
You create your Halloween costume, bake for days at Thanksgiving, and give elegantly wrapped gifts to everyone at Christmas (including the neighbors you secretly hate, postman and sanitation workers). Your decorating skills are worthy of a spread in Southern Living.
11. Sundays are for worshipping and eating.
After spending some time with the Lord, you indulge with homemade chicken and waffles, brunch at the country club, or lunch at Cracker Barrel.
12. You avoid creating a scene in bad situations.
You smile your way through a dinner party seated across from your philandering ex, and quietly dab your tears with a monogrammed handkerchief at funerals.
13. You don’t wear sweatpants beyond your front door.
You work out in coordinated active wear (you have a knack for matching), get dolled up for dinner, and purchase new outfits for every day of vacation.
14. You could save the world with what’s in your massive purse.
A first-aid kit, fashion tape, snacks, sanitizer, toilet paper — you are prepared but you need a minute to find anything in that bottomless bag.
15. You follow the rules of wearing white.
Never to a wedding, and not before Easter or after Labor Day.
16. You struggle with traditional gender roles.
Dad worked and Mom stayed at home, just as your grandparents and great-grandparents did. But you want to do it all – have a career, be there for the kids, cook elaborate meals, design your dream house, travel the world. It’s too bad you need sleep.