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36 Things You'll Never Hear Someone From Utah Say

Utah Student Work
by Sofia Neilsen Jul 17, 2015

1. Mormonism? I don’t have an opinion about it.

2. Sure I can spell Tooele — just sound it out.

3. I didn’t see any car accidents on I-15 all week.

4. I’m really stressed about the population decline in this state — no one seems to be having kids any more.

5. The air quality alert on the interstate says I shouldn’t drive during rush hour — I’d better turn around and not go to work today.

6. What’s with this powdery snow? I wish we had more ice like the East Coast.

7. I’m putting money on the Jazz winning the NBA Finals this year.

8. I wish there weren’t so many cupcake stores and chocolate bundt cake shops around.

9. It’s great, I can get anywhere I need to go on Utah’s public transportation system.

10. Since Fox News and Glen Beck don’t have all the answers, I’m going to invite my Democratic friends over for dinner to have a productive, open conversation about politics.

11. If you’re looking for diversity, go to Provo.

12. The inversion is a huge blessing — I feel my lungs grow stronger and stronger every day.

13. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the scenic views on 1-80.

14. I’m so sick of Café Rio.

15. My refrigerator is looking a little bare — I could sure use some more wedding invitations to hang up.

16. Hey, look at that cute heart carved into this red rock canyon!

17. What are you doing this weekend? I was thinking we could go boating or fishing on the Great Salt Lake.

18. Come sniff this DI mattress — smells like new!

19. Your children are loud and ugly.

20. I’d invest in a ski pass, but the long drive to the resort is too much of a hassle.

21. What does ‘Stockton-to-Malone’ mean anyway?

22. What inconvenient liquor laws? I live in Southern Utah and love driving to Mesquite to buy booze.

23. I’m so pleased with how the government is running our country — I think I’ll donate an extra 10% of my income to their noble cause.

24. It’s a good thing gambling is illegal to stop me from making poor bets about my fantasy baseball team.

25. Those wild animals at Lagoons sure seem happy.

26. I wish people didn’t enunciate ‘for’ so much when they talk — I get the preposition confused with the number.

27. You wouldn’t believe how lazy my pioneer ancestors were. After they walked across the continent, they just left this old wagon wheel stuck in my garden.

28. My green lawn is totally natural.

29. I’m lucky to get such incredible maternity/paternity leave benefits at my job.

30. Jell-o? Never tried it.

31. I’m having a hard day. I think I’ll call up my friend in the diamond business—the Shane Company.

32. I make better zucchini bread than my mom.

33. I wish I didn’t live so close to the mountains — they make me feel trapped and claustrophobic.

34. Who are those two guys in white shirts and nametags at the door?

35. I admire the respectful sportsmanship between the U and BYU — what an example to others.

36. My rent is out of control — I wish I paid the same rates as my friends living in California.

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