1. They’re not as good as us, although they think they’re better.
For centuries, the English threw their weight around building an empire that would eventually fall. And our green little oasis was an easy target, so for 800 years we suffered oppression, starvation, and death at the hands of the Brits. However, we’re a forgiving people, and have let bygones be bygones. Not that they appreciate it, of course. The English still like to treat us like their lesser cousin, calling us “Paddy” and taking the piss out of us with universally terrible Irish accents. But they shall not smite us. Through it all we have turned the other cheek to our fiercer neighbours and come out all the better for it; everyone loves us, but nearly every other country has a beef with them. So who’s laughing now, ye limey bastards?!
2. They’re a chilly bunch with tiny, frozen hearts.
Brrrrr. It can be cold over there in old Engerland. Not because of the weather, but because of the crotchety land dwellers across the pond. The English can have a hostile predisposition, and nowhere is this stronger than in London. Talking on the tube is prohibited, striking up conversation with a fellow homosapien in a bar is frowned upon, and god help you if you’re actually in need, as you’ll more likely be trodden into a puddle than offered a hand. Somewhere along the way, the hearts of the English were deemed redundant, and so were replaced with stoic pacemakers. They all need a good hug.
3. Northerners aren’t really English.
Our brethren up north are more similar to us and the Scottish than they are to the English. Boozers, philanderers, and all round good-timers, they cast off their Britishness long ago to join the wilder Celtic clans of Eire and Alba. Similarities include strong linguistic brogues and a penchant for a bit of devilment.
4. What’s up with the monarchy?
The monarchy is kinda funny, right? Like, medieval funny. Births, marriages, deaths, affairs, divorces, arrests, and a slew of beheadings thrown in for good measure. Not too sure if the taxpayer is laughing though, as the monarchy will cost the British public £38 million in 2015. Undoubtedly this sum will pay for many regal visits (i.e., holidays), a few weddings (which are sure to “boost public morale” and direct attention away from the fact that people of England are paying for them), and a luxury dog groomer, keeping the corgis in tip top shape.
5. There are sooooooooo many accents
Geordies, Scousers, Cockneys, Mancs, Sloane Rangers…trying to attune your ear to the myriad of British accents is, in itself, an exercise in linguistics. The same sentence spoken by each can produce drastically different results, causing confusion and eliciting general expressions of bewilderment and whispers of “What the fuck did he say?” Although, to be fair, the same could be said of trying to decipher the ramblings of a drunk culchie down in rural Ireland. I never said we were perfect.
6. They have dirty, ruthless politicians.
Ok, so Ireland’s politicians have ranged from the corrupt to the ridiculous, but English politicians are in a league of their own. From Margaret Thatcher’s financial deregulation to Tony Blair’s involvement in the Iraq War to David Cameron’s dismantling of the NHS, Conservative and Labour politicians alike have been spreading discontent across the nation for decades. Ireland’s constant coalition governments make it harder to pin the blame on one person for our sizable amount of problems, but at least they’re all in it together.
7. Oh, the English are so smug about the Pound.
“It’s so heavy!”…”It’s worth so much!”…”We hate Europe!”…I kinda have to give this one to them though, Sterling is strong and worth a lot fucking more than the Euro. Maybe they’ll come out as the new Germany when we all go under, keeping us all afloat on a giant Union Jack-shaped raft.
8. They’re not really that bad…
Much is made of the bad blood between Ireland and England, but in reality, the Irish are just as fond of the English as they are of anyone else. There are huge Irish communities in England and have been for years, and we even did a volte-face on our opinion of the Queen when she came to visit in 2011 and wowed everyone by speaking Irish. Irish-English relations are really quite good now, so what the hell do I know here? We actually love you guys, promise.