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How to Confuse a Californian

by Hana Nobel Nov 14, 2016

1. Don’t smile back.

Californians are friendly-freakishly so. They smile at everyone they pass on the street, and usually each other into their lanes of traffic with a grin. Scowl as you skulk by a happy California native and it will baffle them.

2. Say you “don’t get traffic”.

Half of California life is spent waiting in your car to get somewhere-whether it’s not moving at all in LA on the 405, headed from San Francisco to Sonoma, or just hoping to beat the rush to a San Diego beach. Tell a local you’re from somewhere without traffic and they’ll stare at you with wonder.

3. Tell them you’re not into wine.

This state has the best vineyards in the nation. Slowly back away as you explain that you don’t like wine. And then turn and run.

4. Ask if there really is more bounce in California.

And wait as they just stare at you. And then walk away.

5. Tell them that there are places with lower taxes.

And then drop the mic as you reveal that parts of the county don’t even have sales tax. That’s right, zero dollars in sales tax. Be prepared to take them shopping there.

6. Reveal that you grew up in a state without a beach.

A Californian might not understand that some people in the country have never seen the beach. Ever. And that the biggest body of water nearby might be a lake.

7. Explain that Disneyworld is better than Disneyland.

And be prepared to be shut down. Size doesn’t always matter.

8. Tell them going to the beach is only a summer activity.

In CA, the beach rules all year long. The fact that you only use it for three months a year won’t make sense to a California kid.

9. Try to convince them that your state is better.

And get a look of pity and bewilderment as they list off the best beaches, amusement parks, national parks, cities, weather, waves, forests, and skiing in the country. Maybe you shouldn’t even try this one.

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