Photo: Ryan Polei

A Coloradan will probably tell you that they have no accent. I’ve said this myself. But my state does have some words and sayings that get thrown around regularly which might be confusing for a first-timer. Over the last few years, some of the most common have been:

“PFM”

He might be retired now, but I still see shirts with this slogan on it every Sunday. When a Colt grows up, he becomes a Bronco. That’s all that needs to be said, even if the team sometimes looks more like a group of . . .

“Donkeys”

How ‘bout them Donkeys? It is only appropriate to refer to the Broncos as the Donkeys if you are a Colorado native, otherwise. . .

You don’t just suck at skiing, you’re a full-on “gaper”.

The moguls melt in the summer, dumbass. That storage shed you’re pointing at is where we keep the bodies. Just kidding. Thanks for signing my paycheck. Typically, a gaper’s children will grow up to become. . .

“Transplants”. Our whole damn state is nothing but transplants.

It all started with that trip to Breckenridge back in grade school. Next thing you know, they’re applying to Fort Lewis College and growing out their hair. I’ve said this repeatedly, but there aren’t many ways to rile up a local than to steer the conversation towards transplants.

“Dispensaries”

But if you would’ve told me in high school that in ten years I’d be able to buy weed at the store, I’d have slapped you in the face and said. . .

“Hold your horses”

It’s fucking unbelievable. I wonder if they have dispensaries out in . . .

“Junktown”

Maybe it’s because the city is called Grand Junction. But most likely there are other factors that have led to the nickname ‘Junktown.’ I’ve come to love the Grand Valley through years of gigging there with my band, but have learned to stay away from the Denny’s near the highway, among other places.

“The People’s Republic”

There are certainly plenty of dispensaries in The People’s Republic. There are few, if any, cities in the US more liberal than Boulder. Boulderites are also known for being incredibly staunch-y (and often full of money flown in from the east coast or California), and in order to separate the city from the lowly left-wingers up the road in Denver, Boulder is commonly known as ‘The People’s Republic.’

When driving in Denver, be sure you’re headed to the right “O”.

RiNo, LoDo, SoBro. It can get confusing. Visitors often find themselves . . .

“Out in the cold”

Which is how I feel about people who don’t appreciate the awesomeness of a state with four distinct seasons, each filled with endless things to do, in a place with some of the happiest and friendliest people you’ll ever meet. It always feels so good to come home.

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