1. You find yourself explaining to non-Utahans that Utah is not a dry state.
2. But there’s a good chance you grew up with no alcohol in your home.
3. And chances are you’ve hidden your drinking habits from your Mormon parents, friends, or relatives.
4. You know what a “Zion Curtain” is.
5. You want to spill beer on Max Hall’s family.
6. You’ve been to a tapless taproom.
7. You know that “The Greatest Snow on Earth” is the greatest way to keep your beer cold.
8. Uintah and Wasatch are not only your favorite mountain ranges, they are also your favorite breweries.
9. You know that 3.2% really means 4.0% by the rest of the country’s standards.
10. Nevertheless, you’re willing to drive across the nearest state line (usually Wyoming, Nevada, or Idaho) to get “real” beer.
11. And outside of Utah you get drunk off two draught beers.
12. You have frequented Pie Hole late into the night for some drunken potato bacon pizza.
13. It breaks your heart that Bayleaf is no longer in business — no more drunken trash plates and then a stop into Pie Hole.
14. You know not to order a double for your cocktail because you won’t get it.
15. You’ve mastered the art of smuggling alcohol into college sporting events.
16. You falsely claim that drinking at higher altitudes gets you drunk faster.
17. Bar hopping is a fairly new thing to you.
18. You drink beer with cool names that seem strange to outsiders like Hoodoo, Dubhe, and Polygamy Porter.
19. You’ve been to Bar X and Beer Bar simply because Ty Burrell is the owner.
20. You’ve drank Kermit’s Cum.
21. You’ve cruised around downtown on a party bike, aka the pedal hopper, and smuggled alcohol on, of course.
22. It’s easier to watch your hometown Utah Jazz team lose with a beer in hand.
23. You know the best spot to watch a Real Salt Lake game other than at Rio Tinto Stadium is at Avenues Proper where you can enjoy a locally crafted beer.
24. You know The Bayou is the best place to find obscure beers and beer mixes.
25. You love the fringe season: Ski in the morning, drink, and then bike in the afternoon, and drink again.
26. After a day of slick-rock biking in Moab you head to Moab, the brewery.
27. You know after a day of hiking Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park you can top off the day with a beer from Zion Canyon Brewing Company.
28. Despite the strange alcohol laws you can still beer pong and flip cups with the best of them.