1. You first learned what a Bahamian breakfast was when you were handed drinks by a stranger on a booze cruise. You were underage and it wasn’t yet 8am.
2. You’ve slept many-a-night passing a rowboat, dinghy, or just sand off as your bed.
3. Walk of shame? You’re more familiar with the row of shame, where your date has to transport you back to shore.
4. Most walks of shame end in being defeated by an impossibly steep hill and having to hitch a ride with a local kid in his golf cart.
5. Seeing safari drivers drinking while waiting for passengers does not faze you.
6. You’ve mastered the art of balancing no less than six drinks in your hands while your friends navigate through choppy waters.
7. You can open a beer bottle with a pulley.
8. You know the best Red Hook happy hour doesn’t start until midnight — in a strip mall parking lot where drinks flow like water.
9. The closest you’ve come to religion is consistently attending Taco Tuesday’s at Duffy’s Love Shack.
10. ‘It’s 5 o’clock somewhere’ has never applied to you. Every accomplishment, big or small, is reason enough to pour yourself a drink. You woke up, swam for two minutes, and fixed the outrigger this morning. You’ve earned it.
11. You believe Happy Hour to be every hour. All time blurs together when it’s island time. You lose track of the days, weeks, sometimes months.
12. When you suddenly hear a blast of steel drums and fireworks, you know it’s April (Carnival Season).
13. You’ve dressed as a moko-jombie and attempted to participate in the Biggest Fete Ever Seen parade.
14. You’ve been “zero to naked in 3.2 painkillers” at the Soggy Dollar Bar, thanks to Gertude and her liberal idea of what one shot is.
15. You’ve nursed more than one hangover within a 24-hour period at Dinghy’s on Water Island.
16. You flock to The Rum Shack like a moth to a flame on the extraordinary occasion the owner decides to open for business.
17. You know to order a number 4.
18. You also know that Latitude 18 is where the real number 4s are.
19. You prefer your bushwackers in buckets.
20. You know that bonfires must consist of burning coconut husks to ward off the damn mosquitoes.
21. You value rum more than water. Cruzan rum, in particular.
22. Your best friend is the reason Fish Tails now sports a sign, warning oncoming cars of drunken crawlers in the road.
23. You’ve climbed to the top deck at Willie T.’s and jumped off the stern. Naked, of course.
24. You’ve sampled the endless array of flavors at the Cruzan Rum Distillery enough to almost be immune to its effects.
25. Your karaoke routine at Castaways has been interrupted by the Ghost from Jost.
26. You despise the 3am Kon Tiki booze cruise and its deafening steel drums, whether you’re within earshot or on it.
27. You’ve arrived at Foxy’s two days before New Year’s Eve for the sole purpose of securing a mooring spot.
28. High tide has served as your alarm clock more than once after a late night out.
29. Painkillers run through your veins.